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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not pressure DH to be present at birth?

62 replies

Grapesoda · 10/01/2013 09:55

I'd like a flurry of opinions on this one please. I am due to have a c/s in a could of weeks. My dh wants to be at the hospital but not in the theatre. He is very squeamish and feels it's not normal or healthy to watch someone you love (or anyone I guess) have surgery. I am ok with this as I have no fear of hospitals etc. And he would not be much help given his reluctance to be present.
However, I think he's worried that maybe he SHOULD be there and that I might feel resentful later on.
He was present for the birth of my ds1 but that was ludicrously traumatic.
I think, underneath he is worried about what other ppl think. So, even though it's our choice to make I would like to ask what other ppl think.
Does that make sense?
Btw, if I insisted I believe he would step up to the task.

OP posts:

ZacharyQuack · 10/01/2013 09:57

If you're both ok with him not being there, then he shouldn't be there. However, can you have another person there to support you? Mother, friend, sister etc?

CMOTDibbler · 10/01/2013 09:58

yanbu. My dh wasn't sure if he wanted to be at the birth of our ds, so I got a doula, and then he was free to be there or not as he pleased. In the end, he was there for the actual birth as the pressure had been taken off him.

Greythorne · 10/01/2013 09:59

If he doesn't want to be there, he shouldn't feel pressured to be there.

If he doesn't want to be there, he's not going to be much support to you, is he?

Weasleyismyking · 10/01/2013 10:00

YANBU but it might be a nicer experience for you to have some company/support from someone else.

Sugarice · 10/01/2013 10:00

But he won't actuallysee anything as he'll be up your end[face] with the barrier sheet in between .

Still as long as you're both happy with the decision you make it's nothing to do with what others think.

mrsjay · 10/01/2013 10:01

Yanbu and if you are happy for him not to be there then thats fine although I think he would be up your head end and not see anything, My dh didnt go 'down there' when I had my babies He didnt want to look , but having somebody with you for a little support is nice, even if it isn't him ,

ClutchingMyPearls · 10/01/2013 10:02

I don't think YABU at all, it's your choice. But you really would benefit from other support, if you're not crushing your DH's hand you'll need another hand ;)

Wishfulmakeupping · 10/01/2013 10:02

I'm feeling like a bit of a cow now but I've told my OH he has to be there with me even though he would struggle for the same reasons as your partner- my thoughts are if I've got to actually go thought it the least he can do is be there to hold my hand prepares to be flamed

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/01/2013 10:02

I would rather deliver alone than have DM there if he felt like yours does. Very good that you are happy for him to wait outside and poor him for beating himself up about it.

I was conscious about DH when I was ready to push and still maintain it was harder for him to watch than for.me to do as at least I know how my body feels / what its doing.

Dawndonna · 10/01/2013 10:02

My dh was not there for the birth of our first. I didn't want him there. Our twins were born by emergency c/s. He was there, saw the lot, that was his choice with my blessing though.
Really, if you're happy to go it alone, then get him to meet you outside the theatre, bugger what others think!
Good Luck.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/01/2013 10:03

Meant DH not DM!

MrsMelons · 10/01/2013 10:05

I wouldn't push him, as long as he is outside then I'm sure he/you won't feel you have missed anything but I had elec c/s and DH couldn't see anything he was up by my head the whole time and it was actually a lovely experience for both of us (after having DS1 naturally who wasn't breathing and ended up being resustitated in front of us then whipped off to intensive care so we didn't even see him!).

If you are ok with it then its fine not to push it but if you feel you need/want him there then you should! I found it a bit nerve wracking and was glad of someone being there. Could you take someone else with you?

LaCiccolina · 10/01/2013 10:05

How about a compromise? He comes in at start to see how the room is set up and see that he cannot see anything then if uncomfortable he kisses u and sees u outside? It's a short op. I chatted to the anethatist (can't spell!) more than dh.... Asking questions etc.

They will understand his fears and support him. I suspect if u tell them about his worries you will actually find he feels ok and stays.

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/01/2013 10:07

Does he know he won't see anything? He will be sat close to your head out of the way, so that he can talk to you and reassure you. He won't see anything of the surgery.

It's not just normal surgery is it? It's the birth of your child. I would have hated for dh not to have been there tbh.

NeverQuiteSure · 10/01/2013 10:08

Presumably he'll be at the hospital, just not in the theatre? I don't think he should feel bad if you are happy to go it alone. It would be different if you felt you needed him there, but as you don't he'd just be another worry for you and potential drain on resources if he faints!

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/01/2013 10:08

Even if you both decide he's not in the theatre, I would take someone else op. It can be a bit scary on your own.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 10/01/2013 10:09

If he doesn't want to be there and you're not bothered it seems a bit daft for him to be there. Going to watch surgery (although he doesn't need to see anything) because he is worried what other people will think- even more daft.

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/01/2013 10:10

Although hopefully you should have a good midwife to reassure you and look after you. (like I did when I had to have the spinal and was crying )

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 10:11

As long as he's happy for you to have someone else with you, I don't see a problem. If you (or him) are so worried about how it will look to people, that you're inclined not to ask for a friend or family member to be there instead, you need to rethink. Unless you're totally 100% happy to go it alone, of course.

But no, I'd let him sit it out if the support he could offer doesn't equal the stress.

He would be able to stay by your head end and wouldn't have to watch what was going on below, of course.

FirstTimeForEverything · 10/01/2013 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pilfette · 10/01/2013 10:16

How about he waits in recovery? Stitching me after my c section took longer than the birth! If he's in recovery your baby can be taken straight to him to cuddle whilst you are being zipped up?

My ExH was there when I had a c section and he was ok, but then he prided himself on being a tough guy. I'm not sure I'd have been able to be there to support one of my friends as I'm vair squeamish.

However, as many others have said, what you both decide and are happy on is the main thing. I hope it all goes well

KatyPeril · 10/01/2013 10:19

I made my daughters Dad be at her birth! I didn't want to be there either but had no choice so why should he. I am a twat though He's glad now I made him though. But I think YANBU.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 10/01/2013 10:20

DH came into theatre with me, but stayed holding my hand and didn't look until DD was lifted up. Then he got to have first hold and bring her over for me to see. He is really squeamish too but he dealt with it fine. If he had said he couldn't face it I wouldn't have minded. I don't think I could watch someone I love being cut open.

Essexmamma · 10/01/2013 10:21

Like sugar ice says, he'll see less than at a normal birth as its all screened off and he can just talk to you during the whole thing. I had a csection with ds1 and if i were you, I would honestly encourage him to be there. If all goes to plan its all very calm and relaxed, we had The surgeons singing to robbie williams during ours! He can have the very special job of being the first to hold the baby as you won't be able to, I think that's a massive plus for a section. Hope he changes his mind

MrsMangoBiscuit · 10/01/2013 10:22

Just asked DH and he wanted to add that where he was told to sit, he couldn't have seen anything anyway. Also that it is bloody cold in theatre.

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