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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not pressure DH to be present at birth?

62 replies

Grapesoda · 10/01/2013 09:55

I'd like a flurry of opinions on this one please. I am due to have a c/s in a could of weeks. My dh wants to be at the hospital but not in the theatre. He is very squeamish and feels it's not normal or healthy to watch someone you love (or anyone I guess) have surgery. I am ok with this as I have no fear of hospitals etc. And he would not be much help given his reluctance to be present.
However, I think he's worried that maybe he SHOULD be there and that I might feel resentful later on.
He was present for the birth of my ds1 but that was ludicrously traumatic.
I think, underneath he is worried about what other ppl think. So, even though it's our choice to make I would like to ask what other ppl think.
Does that make sense?
Btw, if I insisted I believe he would step up to the task.

OP posts:
LifeofPo · 10/01/2013 10:22

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LifeofPo · 10/01/2013 10:22

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DoodlesNoodles · 10/01/2013 10:23

YANBU and neither is he.

There is no rule book on these things and if you are both happy then that is perfectly ok.

Good luck and congrats Thanks

MoodyDidIt · 10/01/2013 10:27

i think he should be there TBH

its 2013, not 1953

and having had c/s's myself., i can assure you the man does not actually "see" anything, as there is a big screen up, and your dh/dp sits on a chair next to you at the head end. and i seem to remember my dh being told to not stand up.

i think the men see more at a vaginal birth tbh

FirstTimeForEverything · 10/01/2013 10:28

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Osmiornica · 10/01/2013 10:30

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BadLad · 10/01/2013 10:37

Not pressuring someone to do something is almost always likely to be extremely reasonable.

Whether it is a good idea or not for him to absent is another question (and one to which I have no idea).

Hope you are holding a lovely, healthy baby in a few weeks.

Original poster
Grapesoda · 10/01/2013 10:48

Thanks for all your replies.
I think if he waits in recovery room that would be good sone can be with dc if I can't.
I am a bit worried about not being we to hold baby though and if he were there he could help with that. But I don't tank i'd want anyone else there with me, seems like a bit too much fuss.
I know it's common for men to be spent at the birth of their dc these days but I wonder if some of them feel pressed to do so, which oughtn't always be a good thing.
If he's. It there I might get to see more of the birth without the screen IYSWIM.

OP posts:
chris481 · 10/01/2013 10:58

I've always thought of myself as squeamish, but for some reason the prospect of seeing CS didn't bother me, didn't even really think what it would be like. At the time I felt detached and curious and I was disappointed that the screen prevented me from watching what was going on. When they rotated the table from right to left incline halfway through, a pint or two of fluids slopped onto the floor and I actually enjoyed the diversion as the nurse brought a mop.

I agree that you don't see much, I think it's less traumatic than witnessing a normal birth, though I don't have first-hand experience of that.

MrsMushroom · 10/01/2013 11:04

I am squeamish and do understand his fears...but he will only see your head! I wouldn't an anyone to miss the moment their child appears...it's very special. I've had two sections and DH accompanied both babies to get cleaned up with the midwife and he spoke to them etc...he really liked that....I of course was getting stitched up.

Tell him its like the dentist but with a lot of people!

ThatArtfulPussy · 10/01/2013 11:08

You'll be unlikely to see much OP whether he's there or not - firstly I haven't heard of anyone who didn't have a screen, and in any case even if it wasn't there, for obvious reasons you're lying flat on your back staring at the ceiling, unable to move! I have heard of people who can see a bit in the reflections in lights etc on the ceiling though.

I can understand he thinks it's all a bit grim and particularly if you had a tough time first time round, but an elective c/s is v civilised. And as said above, for most of the time you're in theatre you're being sewn up. To be honest I think having him and baby there for that bit would be nicest rather than you lying there getting a bit bored and wishing you could see your baby.

FryOneFatManic · 10/01/2013 11:12

DP was there when I had an ELCS. He was up by my head, and there was a screen so he couldn't see anything that end until DD was lifted up out of me high enough for him to see her but not me.

He then went with the nurse who had DD into the recovery room where she was dressed and wrapped and he carried her back in, led by the nurse, up to my head where I could see her. At no time did he see anything unsavoury.

And yes, the time taken to get DD out was shorter than the time taken to stitch me up. It was all very civilised.

FriendlyLadybird · 10/01/2013 11:19

My DH wasn't there for the birth of our DS (prepped for emergency c/s but consultant did a forceps delivery) -- he was at home asleep! I had a very long labour and things only started kicking off in earnest when I sent him home!

It was the opposite with our DD. I went to the hospital on my own while DH got DS to school. Contractions were steady but not much was going on, until DH arrived. Half an hour later, or maybe less, there was DD.

He says he's still glad he missed DS's birth as it would have upset him and he'd have been absolutely no use at all to me, but being at DD's birth was the best thing he's ever done. I'm glad too -- I would have been worrying about him during DS's birth and I really didn't need any extra stress!

Basically, whatever works for both of you, and sod what other people think.

CheungFun · 10/01/2013 11:24

It's really up to you both, but if it was me I would want DH there and I'd ask him to just talk to me and face my face so he wouldn't have to look at the surgery.

StitchAteMySleep · 10/01/2013 11:25

DH was there for both my EMCS'S, he is no good with blood, but his mum told him he had to for the first and the fact that he got to be the first to hold dd1 made it worth it for him.

The 2nd time round I actually wish I had told him not to be there as he was still grieving and had ptsd from seeing his mum die and wasn't much support, but he was still glad to hold dd2 first (spinal wore off quickly and I had the shakes so couldn't at first). It hasn't traumatised him in the long term, all he remembers is holding them and he saw everything including me having pph with my second.

Poledra · 10/01/2013 11:29

DH and I agreed that, had it been an option, I'd have been better to have had one of my sisters there as my birthing partner rather than him. However, as they both live abroad, he did come with me and stay with me for all 3 births. Though, with DD1, I had an em c-s under GA so although he was ready to come with me (dressed up in surgical greens) he was removed from the theatre when they decieded they had to do a general. He was just outside the room, though, and they brought DD1 out to him immediately, gave her to him and said 'Don't put her down anywhere, she's not been tagged!'. He had a lovely time with her waiting for me to come round again.

I think, if you and he are happy with the decision for him not to be there, that's fine, but I would recommend, as others have already done, that you take someone else with you instead. I'd be honoured if a good friend asked me to be her birth partner!

chris481 · 10/01/2013 11:30

I forgot to say, overall I did really enjoy being there, so unless he's so squeamish that seeing even a little blood on the baby would be a problem, I'd recommend he try to be there, for his sake, even if you don't need him.

Arthurfowlersallotment · 10/01/2013 11:38

My extremely squeamish DP was so overwhelmed he looked over the curtain. Don't think he'll forget that in a hurry.

He might regret not being there- missing the first cry and cutting the cord (they leave a bit of the cord on after section). I agree you should have someone with you as it's very emotional and support would help you.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/01/2013 11:41

I think it's ok as long as you're both happy with it. But he genuinely won't see anything during the op.

Thisisaeuphemism · 10/01/2013 11:47

Why should he be there if you're both happy with him not being there?

DH is a complete wuss and desperately didn't want to be at the births of our DC. My sister was a brilliant birth partner, DH came along ten minutes later and I got to hold it against him forever! Win-win. No regrets on anyone's parts.

ukatlast · 10/01/2013 11:53

'It there I might get to see more of the birth without the screen IYSWIM.'

No the screen is there for your benefit as well lol.
Seriously it is a lot less gory than vaginal birth in terms of what you see. If the procedure is the same at the hospital I went to, he goes to get his blue gown and cap on while the anaethetists do your spinal and catheter in an anteroom, then once you are wheeled into the actual theatre, he sits at your side and all 3 of you chat to the anaethetist about digital cameras, music is playing, the baby is out very quickly (he can hold it) while you are stitched up which takes ages. He can then also help support the baby while it tries to latch on in the recovery room.

If he is not going to automatically faint, I think he would regret not being there.

BonaDea · 10/01/2013 11:56

YANBU and also no one else has to be told that he opted not to be there for that part (unless of course you ask another family member or friend to go in with you, in which case you'd want to swear them to secrecy).

If he's going to pass out and need medical attention he'll be bvgger all use anyway.

Mumsyblouse · 10/01/2013 11:59

What has it not being 1953 got to do with anything? I am very squeamish and wouldn't want to see a friend/sister have a C-Section at all, I don't think my moral support would be great as I would be selfishly thinking about my own feelings towards surgery.

Not all men find watching their child give birth incredibly special, my husband saw one and not the other and he says he didn't really care either way. There's no script and no 'right way' to feel.

Op- do what works for you and your husband, but I would keep flexible, he may feel he's dreading it, but on the day may want to join in/be up the head end, so I would come up with a plan but don't set it in stone and be prepared for him to want to be more involved than perhaps he currently feels is ok (which may really be about the last traumatic birth and fear of that repeating itself).

hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2013 12:01

I had a c-section (emergency) and ExH was there.
There is a curtain across the middle of you and he stays at your head end!
He doesn't see anything of the operation but you get to have the support you need.
I would have hated being in there on my own and he got to hold our DD almost as soon as she came out. Nice bonding moment!
I think he will regret not being with the person he loves while she is going through this.
It's something you should do together - IMO!

KD0706 · 10/01/2013 12:04

Sorry haven't read whole thread. But I had both mg girls by c section and DH wasn't their for either. Similar squeamish issues.

It's not been a problem for either of us.

I did have somebody with me to hold my hand but the second time I would have been quite happy to go into theatre alone

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