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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that her brought her up during sex?

55 replies

Libramonkey · 09/01/2013 01:35

Back story is I've been seeing my BF for about 9/10 months. We work together. There is a girl (we'll call her Sarah) that we work with that we're both friendly with, but I get a little bit jealous of how they are sometimes (he says irrational and to be fair he might be right). Anyway I got to work, already stressed and grumpy and first thing I saw was them together so got a bit annoyed and he could tell. (stupid i know)

So in the evening we are having sex, and he says something along the lines of "does sarah turn me on?" so I'm a bit shocked Shock and so I say "no" (bloody hope not). And he says a couple of other similar things.

I said to him after it was a massive turn off from him to bring her up while we're having sex, as in my eyes it just made me think "we're having sex and you're thinking about her". He didn't really understand why it upset, said that he was trying to get me to see it's me that he's with and that he wants. Apologised for upsetting me but I could see he didn't really get what the problem was?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he did that?

OP posts:
GothAnneGeddes · 09/01/2013 01:40

Nooo! Not unreasonable. If he wanted to discuss lesbian fantasies with you, he should have started (ideally not during sex) with "a woman" and taken it from there.

I'd be a bit concerned about this one.

Original poster
Libramonkey · 09/01/2013 01:45

It wasn't about lesbian fantasies (I've already told him not a change Smile. It was his warped, misguided way of trying to tell me how much he wants me, is with me and that he doesn't want her... But to bring it up while we're having sex? Surely that's just not the right time!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Libramonkey · 09/01/2013 01:45

*chance not change

OP posts:
GothAnneGeddes · 09/01/2013 01:48

Oooooh. I see.

Again, a simple "You are the best" would've done.

I suppose he's learned his lesson now though.

Original poster
Libramonkey · 09/01/2013 01:52

haha yea that would have been fine.... but to specifically bring her up. I was like umm Shock

I hope he has.

OP posts:
EchoBitch · 09/01/2013 01:59

Yep,you're right,Not the right time.

Even now is'nt the right time.

EchoBitch · 09/01/2013 02:02

But then the night time is the right time.

Or so i'm told.

squoosh · 09/01/2013 02:04

He was thinking about Sarah when having sex with you.

It certainly sounds to me as though he fancies her.

Sorry.

EchoBitch · 09/01/2013 02:05

Cripes OP,i just re read your OP.

He brought her up during sex ?

Did you have to clear up afterwards?

Oh dear.

Original poster
Libramonkey · 09/01/2013 02:24

Squoosh - so its not just me that sees it this way. He said he meant it in a reassuring "you're the one" way.

I said to him what if it was the other way round and I'd said a similar thing about someone he gets jealous of, but he said he wouldn't have minded, if I meant it in a only want him not so and so way? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Libramonkey · 09/01/2013 02:29

EchoBitch - "Did you have to clear up afterwards?"

Don't get you... I maybe have a tired and thick moment?

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 09/01/2013 02:36

He talking shit imo.

EchoBitch · 09/01/2013 02:38

Why would you say any persons name while you are having sex,other than the name of the person you are doing it with?

Unless you are drunk and it's the first time you've shagged someone else?

Then you would be Blush.

Bogeyface · 09/01/2013 02:38

I think that he meant it in a "Its you I am with, its you I want, its you that turns me on" kind of way, which in his head was reassuring and meaningful. He was probably thinking that it would mean more when he was making love to you. Hmm

I totally get how you feel, I would feel the same. But I dont think that it means that he was thinking of her during sex in that way, I think it was something that probably worked better in his head!

If it helps, my ex (not for this, I married him after this) once said to me "X (his ex) had that dress and she didnt look as good in it as you, she was skinny" when I was having a bad day about my size, knowing X would be at the party we were going to. As I say, it sounded reassuring in his head and he was genuinely confused as to why I was hurt!

Original poster
Libramonkey · 09/01/2013 02:51

Bogeyface - yes that's how he explained it to me after. I do think he was genuinely trying to be reassuring but completely messed it up. The other things he said during were along the lines of "it's you that turns me on like this" etc however in the process turned me off completely Blush

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/01/2013 03:12

I found that spelling it out in easy to understand words was best

"I do not want to hear her name in any sentence where I am compare to her"
"I do not care that you thought she was "too skinny" ok?"
"All I need from you is reassurance that you love me and that include actions as well as words"

He got that.

If yours doesnt then he is a dick, but I would give him a chance to make good before dumping him. What he needs to get is that although he may not be thinking of her in that way, she may be thinking of him and that is probably where your bad vibes are coming from, so he needs to back off from this friendship a bit so she understands that he is taken and isnt interested.

Fakebook · 09/01/2013 05:13

DH once brought his sister up during sex. That killed it for me. Running joke between us now.

Yanbu to get upset.

gimmecakeandcandy · 09/01/2013 07:34

C'mon fakebook, tells us more?!

Yanbu op - sounds odd and I would wonder if he fancied her

JustFabulous · 09/01/2013 07:40

Either he was saying look, I am shagging you so you turn me on. Or he was thinking about shagging her and had to get it out.

Either way, he needs to understand he was being a dick and needs to apologise.

Moominsarescary · 09/01/2013 07:43

I agree with bogey yanbu to get upset though, it was a bit stupid of him

MusicalEndorphins · 09/01/2013 08:23

YANBU. Annoyed, I'll say! I feel annoyed for you! I would have kicked him out then and there. Why in the world would it occur to him to say that during an intimate moment? Either he planned it beforehand, which means he is really, really stupid, or he thought of her at that moment, which means he fancies her.

lannyshrops · 09/01/2013 08:35

I don't think YABU to be upset at all! I do think that it was a case of something similar to what bogeyface experienced. It probably sounded good in his head but did not translate between the male/female devide.

FWIW it does sound like you need a bit of a chat about how you feel with regard to this woman. Regardless of what he says is or is not going on, you do feel the way you feel and those feelings need to be respected.

I would think about what you want him to do/not to do in order to alleviate your demons and be clear with him about these needs in a non argumentative forum.
Hopefully you can find a way forward, however you may have to learn to accept his friendship with this woman for how it is and not allow it to affect your relationship or call it a day.

Good luck x

valiumredhead · 09/01/2013 08:37

I agree with squoosh he was sounding you out to see if you fancied the idea of a threesome or a bit of girl on girl action imo, or at the very least wanted you to join in with a verbal fantasy. When you didn't he back tracked.

Flobbadobs · 09/01/2013 10:01

Sounds like he just opened his mouth and let the verbal diarrhea spew out... More of a total numpty than anything else and I personally would take the piss till his ears bleed!
YANBU to be annoyed though.

BunFagFreddie · 09/01/2013 11:37

It doesn't sound like he has much expperience with women. Mentioning someone elses name during sex is not a good idea, unless it involves role play or some sort of kink. Maybe he has some sort of kink though!