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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell partner that he can't live with me unless ex-wife contributes to school fees?

71 replies

oldeposter · 08/01/2013 08:23

I've divorced and been with my partner for several months and I love him and his dss to bits.

However, he is terrible with money. He is separated and in the separation agreed to pay all his sons' school fees AND maintenance to his ex-wife.

After his rent and bills this leaves him with £600 a month. He is getting into debt every month to the tune of around another £1000 - a lot of which is spending on his boys - phones, trips etc. He has no savings and no capital.

AIBU to tell him that he can't live with me until he has come to an agreement with his wife about her maintenance/contributing towards school fees?

I don't want to have to subsidise him because of this. I want to trust him not to get into debt before I commit myself to being a part of his life in the longer term. My last partner was a fuckwit and I want a more secure future.

AIBU because I think he thinks that I am.....?

OP posts:
SamSmalaidh · 08/01/2013 08:55

He needs to budget better then! £600 should be more than enough to pay for food, transport and some bits for the kids.

Original poster
oldeposter · 08/01/2013 08:55

It isn't about the money, it is about him supporting himself, TBH.

OP posts:
tiggytape · 08/01/2013 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaCiccolina · 08/01/2013 08:56

He must have a sparkling personality as the description of his money habits would make me disappear.

Don't fund his responsibilities.

hazleweatherfieldgirldetective · 08/01/2013 08:57

I think your DP and his ex need to have a chat about the school fees. Clearly, they cannot afford to privately educate their children and run two households, so the children should really be moved to a state school.

I don't see why this should be an issue, it's not like the children won't be educated. Your DP obviously feels very guilty that he is no longer a full time parent and is making up for this with money. Perhaps some counselling would be beneficial, so that he can learn to understand that love doesn't equal masses of presents and expensive trips.

Original poster
oldeposter · 08/01/2013 08:57

I don't think his ex-wife is the problem at all. I think they both have their heads in the sand.

OP posts:
NoelHeadbands · 08/01/2013 08:58

I'm all for true love and that, but not with a 20ft bargepole, sorry

TippiShagpile · 08/01/2013 08:58

The problem is that if you say to him that he can only move in with you if he stops paying school fees it looks like you are saying "it's me or your child - make a choice". It will also cause huge resentment from his ex-wife because she will paint you as the bad guy who stopped her son from going to his school and their son may end up resenting you because he'll have to change schools/lose friends etc.

Imho it's far too big a can of worms.

ihearsounds · 08/01/2013 08:58

Phones should be a one off expense really. With the very occasional top up just to keep the number active. But even then should be from maintainance money. Uniforms, again not a weekly thing in the sense that everything needs changing.

£600 a month for food etc after all bills should be more than enough. I would love to have £600 a month left over after bills, but alas I dont and somehow feed more than myself and dont have debt.

He should learn how to live within his means and budget better. there is no way I would live with a reckless person.

dreamingbohemian · 08/01/2013 08:59

But why are you even talking about living together already?

Especially if he has 50/50 care, you should really give your relationship a lot more time. He's not even divorced yet.

A year from now, things might look very different. Maybe he and his ex will have decided they can no longer afford the fees, or maybe he will get a better job.

I think you should slow down and see how things develop.

tiggytape · 08/01/2013 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecatePropolos · 08/01/2013 09:01

How much would his half of the two of you living together be?

He needs to live within his means. That's the problem. And if this is how he is - then tying your money up with his will simply drain you. If this is something you already know you will resent - you would be off your rocker to go ahead with it.

meditrina · 08/01/2013 09:02

It wasn't meant to be harsh.

He has reached an agreement with his ex about the amount he will pay. He is sticking to that. That's good, and unfortunately none of your business.

The amount of money he has left after that might be your business. But according to your OP, it's insufficient for how you want to live. So either you change your expectations (nearly always a bad thing), or you look for someone else with a higher disposable income. Money is one of the biggies that lead to relationships failing, and it's prudent (and quite rare) to look at the cold hard sums before commitment. And I think you are doing the right thing - even though it means this relationship isn't likely to lead to hoped-for cohabitation.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 08/01/2013 09:06

If they have 50/50 care he shouldn't be paying maintenance should he ??

SpicyPear · 08/01/2013 09:10

Agree that the school fees aren't the issue here, it's his attitude to money. It's sounds as if he would continue to overspend even with lower outgoings. At present he is racking up £12k a year in debt to sustain his lifestyle! It won't take long for it all to come crashing down. You would be a fool to get yourself and your DS tied up in that, especially as you've only been together months.

letseatgrandma · 08/01/2013 09:18

Excuse my ignorance, but why is he paying maintenance to his wife? Is it to support her (like alimony-is that the term they use in America?) If yes, why? I didn't think that happened anymore? If it's for the children, again-why? I thought you said it was 50/50 shared care?

mumandboys123 · 08/01/2013 09:19

how do you know his ex wife doesn't already contribute towards school fees?

ZillionChocolate · 08/01/2013 09:19

If the divorce isn't finalised, he'd really benefit from some independent advice, ideally from a family law solicitor.

It'd be madness for you to live with him until he has sustainable arrangements. That must include him living within his means and saving regularly for emergencies/one offs.

letseatgrandma · 08/01/2013 09:20

Also-they clearly can't afford private school after a divorce (with two homes to support) but don't wish to let this luxury (!) go. Does his ex work? Sounds like they need to reevaluate their priorities.

tiggytape · 08/01/2013 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HormonalHousewife · 08/01/2013 09:26

This unfortunately sounds a very similar situation to one I am aware of.

I would run a mile to be honest... and then some more.

You are comfortable now, have a good standard of living, then just enjoy his company as a boyfriend. Dont take him in, you will become responsible for his debts. It just isnt worth it mentally or financially.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 08/01/2013 09:35

If hes paying maintenance and the school fees, why is he yet paying extra for uniforms, maintenance should cover that.

But i agree that moving in with him, would be a bad idea, he obviously alot of outgoings, that dont much his incomings.

Viviennemary · 08/01/2013 09:40

At first I thought this sounds a bit harsh. But on reading this I think you are absolutely right not to let him move in until he sorts himself out financially. But I don't think you are in a position to argue about who pays their sons school fees. That's up to the parents. But you are right not to want to subsidise him. And especially if he moves in and you lose your CB. And I think he needs to seek legal advice about the financial arrangments he has with his ex. But again that would be up to him but you could always hint.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 08/01/2013 09:48

Why the rush to move him in after just a few months?

He and his ex wife should probably get something more formal decided but that's up to them. You could suggest it of course.

600 a month sounds like a lot to me because Im skint! But i can see how that would get eaten up if it needs to pay for food for him and his son and their clothes and outings etc. Does it cover also petrol, travel, stuff that needs doing to his home, one offs like birthday presents which when you have a child they seem to have a party every week! His phone as well you said? Its not as much as it sounds once you take those things off.

Still there is no rush so just get to know him better for a while. I think you are right to be wary though.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 08/01/2013 09:50

School clubs? Gym membership?

Is some of it going on paying the debts his is constantly building up? So he pays some off but then doesn't have enough money so borrows more?