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AIBU?

to tell partner that he can't live with me unless ex-wife contributes to school fees?

71 replies

oldeposter · 08/01/2013 08:23

I've divorced and been with my partner for several months and I love him and his dss to bits.

However, he is terrible with money. He is separated and in the separation agreed to pay all his sons' school fees AND maintenance to his ex-wife.

After his rent and bills this leaves him with £600 a month. He is getting into debt every month to the tune of around another £1000 - a lot of which is spending on his boys - phones, trips etc. He has no savings and no capital.

AIBU to tell him that he can't live with me until he has come to an agreement with his wife about her maintenance/contributing towards school fees?

I don't want to have to subsidise him because of this. I want to trust him not to get into debt before I commit myself to being a part of his life in the longer term. My last partner was a fuckwit and I want a more secure future.

AIBU because I think he thinks that I am.....?

OP posts:

Report

MrsMelons · 08/01/2013 09:54

There seems to be a few issues here. I think he sounds bad with money, £600 should stretch further than it is for him at the moment. Food can't be that much for him and his children surely.

His bills will be reduced by a lot presumably if you move in together so that should free up another couple of hundred that he could save towards a car/other unexpected stuff.

I think it is unreasonable for him to take the child out of the school as he can afford it but i agree that his wife should be buying uniforms and other school bits out of the maintenance.

I would not want to move in with someone that would potentially get me into debt but there are ways round it if you really wanted to, make sure you have a joint bills/savings account where you both contribute then you know bills are always paid and you have some savings, then he can do as he pleases with the rest of his.

You should be able to discuss this with him though and he really needs to be more realistic with his spending. Probably until then you are right to have doubts about moving in together.

CloudsAndTrees · 08/01/2013 10:00

YANBU to want him to show that he isn't going to keep getting into debt before you say you want to move in with him. If you are going to end up subsidising him because he can't support himself, then just don't Moët in with him until he's got it sorted.

You need to leave the school fees out of it though. He has already made that commitment, and it would be very very wrong of you to bring up the school fees when discussing how your relationship moves forward.

When you get into a relationship with someone who has children, you have to accept that the commitments that are already in existence are not going to change.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 08/01/2013 10:04

Why on earth is he saying maintenance if he has the kids half the time?

MrsMelons · 08/01/2013 10:17

I didn't clock that fuckadoodlepoopoo - he shouldn't be paying any maintenance surely?

allnewtaketwo · 08/01/2013 10:42

"His actual outgoings and incomings are easily manageable"

On what basis have you made that assessment?

If he earns over £60k (which he must as OP's child benefit will be "lost"), then say maintenance he pays per month is £275. That in theory is half the amount required to maintain the child, so he also has £275 expenditure per month on the child. So £600 pm less £275 is £325pm, out of which he has to clothe and feed himself, expense of a car plus transport to work etc. Plus related expenditure of having a child in private school including uniforms/trips etc. Doesn't sound easily manageable to me personally.

Paiviaso · 08/01/2013 11:02

"I want to trust him not to get into debt before I commit myself to being a part of his life in the longer term."

I doubt you will ever be able to do this. A future with this man requires him changing. He was in debt when he was married, and he is in debt now. Why you do expect he will suddenly learn to live within his means? How long are you going to wait around until you realise he isn't going to sort himself out?

It sounds like there is lots he could do rectify his financial situation - he could get a formal financial arrangement with his exwife, and he could stop spending money he doesn't have. But he hasn't done this.

So, as someone said above, you can keep this man as your boyfriend, but you must never mix your finances, never move in together, and never get married. Because if you do any of these things you will end up supporting him and his over-spending.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 08/01/2013 11:13

MrsMelons No he shouldnt be paying maintenance, if he has them half the time, CSA ask if the NRP has regular over nights, as this will bring the level of maintenance down.

WilsonFrickett · 08/01/2013 11:16

Why is he paying maintenance if he has 50/50 residence? I don't understand that at all. He should be paying half school fees and half all other costs / expenses to do with the DC in that situation, surely?

I'm a bit confused. I also think you're rushing into things. Why do you want to live with someone you've only been seeing for a few months?

pluCaChange · 08/01/2013 11:29

Maybe the "moving in" idea is from the boyfriend!

Dahlen · 08/01/2013 11:32

I think he's completely awful with managing money and until that changes you should not consider moving in with him.

£600 pcm AFTER school fees, maintenance, rent and bills is MUCH more disposable income than most people. To be accumulating debt to the tune of £1000pcm on that shows mismanagement of a staggering proportion. Throw your lot in with this man and I can almost guarantee you'll end up with a repossessed home, out of control debts and a completely trashed credit rating of your own.

CloudsAndTrees · 08/01/2013 11:44

Maybe he's paying maintenance because his ex wife reduced her earning potential by being a SAHM for a while, and as he's a good Dad that wants his child to have the same standard of living at his Mums as he can have at his Dads. Maybe the Mum does all the shopping for clothes, shoes and school necessities, so he gives her money to cover that.

I don't think anyone else has a right to question the money he pays in maintenance tbh. If he's happy to pay it and that's the arrangement he came to with his ex wife, then that's a good thing surely?

If he has £600 a month left over after paying school fees, maintenance, rent and all his bills, then it sounds like he can afford it.

HappyNewHissy · 08/01/2013 11:45

How many months have you beed with this BOYFRIEND?

What right does that give you to question his financial outgoings?

Who is suggesting moving in?

And why the unseemly rush? Where's the fire?

MrsMelons · 08/01/2013 12:22

I am not sure anyone is questioning that he pays it as such but I think maybe the OP is not actually telling the full story. He shouldn't have to pay maintenance as such but he should be contributing when stuff needs to be bought for the children - that is different.

Its not great for the DCs if he he giving his money to their mum for the week she has them then getting into huge debt the weeks he has them - where will that leave them in a few years (out of their school quite possibly) - there is no sense in that and I suspect there is more to it TBH.

The BF may be on a fairly high wage and the mum on a low wage so she may need the additional money regardless.

PureQuintessence · 08/01/2013 12:24

You should not live with him at all.

You have only been with him months, rather than years, and you are both freshly divorced. Date him a bit. But for goodness sake, dont subsidize him!

NorthernLurker · 08/01/2013 12:27

run away. Run far, far away.

Does a man who got in to huge debt with his wife and is now getting in to more debt each month and has costly child related expenses he is apparently unwilling to give up, really sound like the man of your dreams? Nightmares maybe....

oldeposter · 08/01/2013 20:29

Thanks all for your advice.

I think you have all said a lot of wise words and made me think I am not actually being unreasonable about all of this.

It is really about him being able to support himself properly. We need some serious talks about this and you are right, we are moving too fast.

Thank you. x

OP posts:

oldeposter · 08/01/2013 20:38

Actually I have read my OP and he has not been accumulating debt to that amount YET (of £1000 p m) but that is what he is spending over his income (he had some money which is now spent). So what he is spending over his income appears to be 1k.

OP posts:

omaoma · 08/01/2013 20:49

echo plu - are you sure the idea of him moving in with you so soon after meeting isn't about helpfully reducing those pesky expenses now his savings are gone?

good luck OP

expatinscotland · 08/01/2013 20:50

You've only been with him a few months, you both have children, he's not even divorced AND he is complete crap with money?

You are both VERY unreasonable.

'His wife works FT yes. My personal feeling is that they can't afford to run two houses and pay the school fees. I think he feels responsible for paying for everything. He doesn't feel guilty (was a mutual split) but just responsible, I think.'

That's neither here nor there, what is is that he is racking up huge amounts of debt and is crap with money.

rainrainandmorerain · 08/01/2013 21:49

I think you are being very sensible to look at this financial situation now. We can all be wise about other people's relationships but lots of people are a bit giddy in the first months of a relationship, only to get bitten on the arse later by things they never paid attention to before.

He can't manage his finances. Whatever you think about the arrangements he and his soon to be ex made, you can't get involved in that without causing a whole heap of problems. the fact that he is continuing to rack up debt at an alarming rate is a huge problem - total ostrich territory - and it is either an overhaul of his existing outgoings or a huge change in lifestyle to accommodate his reduced income that is needed.

if he can't do either for himself, you can't afford to get closely involved with this man. If he's really lovely, try and keep it all at arm's length for a year, and then see what he's done about it all. Probably nothing, but who knows.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/01/2013 22:01

I think he should pay the school fees. He might be crap with money, generally, but at least he is a good and responsible father. I think it reflects well on him that he is standing by the promises he made to his ex wife and is continuing to honour his commitment to the school fees.

That said, if I was you, I would enjoy the relationship but not live together or share finances.

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