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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TTo think that DH is being a complete shit to try to annihilate DD's idealism like this

51 replies

upsylazy · 07/01/2013 20:54

There's a very long backstory to this which I won't drip-feed but just want to check that my general anger towards DH isn't clouding my judgement on this issue.

DD is 10 and basically very kind and caring but I have started to notice that she's become much more materialistic over the last 6 months - constantly wanting new stuff, all her clothes have to be the right labels, feels "cheated" if we go in a shop and don;t buy something etc. I've found myself constantly repeating things like she doesn't know how lucky she is, how loads of kids don't have enough to eat etc.

Anyway, a few months back, she saw an advert by Plan about girls in developing countries being forced into marriage from age 12 and asked if we could sponsor a child which I thought was great as you get to see the difference you're making in a much more real way than just shoving coins in a collecting tin. She was really clear that she wanted to sponsor a girl. We signed up online and I came home today and she was really excited because her letter had come through with a picture of the girl we are sponsoring. She had put the picture on her wall (of her new friend) and had started writing a letter and was more excited than she has been by any purchase I've seen her make.

Anyway, in wades DP asking how much it's costing (£15 per month) and instantly says that he'll cancel my other 2 direct debits. We both work and have a joint account. He then starts telling DD about how corrupt African countries are and how most of the aid ends up being given to wealthy people to drive big cars. I could see DD's lip wobbling and I told her that this was different because it is a charity and nearly all the money goes to the people who need it. He then started asking questions about what their admin costs are etc.

I know there are issues about where international aid ends up but this is a charity that I've researched and over 80% of the money goes to the people it's meant for. I also think it's very meaningful for a child to see the difference that the money is making to a real person.

I told DP that he doesn't need to project his cynicism onto a 10 year old but he insists that he's just "telling her the facts". It's completely taken the shine off the whole thing for her and I'm seething. AIBU?

OP posts:
5dcsinneedofacleaner · 07/01/2013 20:58

YANBU shes too young to worry about corruption ffs.

LindyHemming · 07/01/2013 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovecat · 07/01/2013 20:58

YANBU.

He's a wanker.

HecatePropolos · 07/01/2013 20:58

show her your research. She can see for herself.

mrsjay · 07/01/2013 21:04

Yanbu your husband is a twat I am sorry he is these girls are horrifically exploited of course your daughter is far to young for the ins and outs of it but she is doing a good thing well done her, tell him to bugger off , Plan is fantastic charity that do amazing work in these corrupt countries you need to let your husband know that girls as young as 12 are raped by their older husbands ,

CloudC · 07/01/2013 21:04

YANBU. That's a horrid thing to say to a ten year old. To deflate the kind instincts and intentions of a child is not at all nice. She's too young to understand corruption and he's probably too ill informed and uncharitable to be the one to explain it to her in any case.

Hassled · 07/01/2013 21:05

There are always admin costs associated with charities because they incur admin costs. Someone has to administer the funds, and of course the charity will incur expenses. 80% going directly to the target sounds really good - I agree that you should show her the research you've done, and I agree that your DH sounds like a nob. Is this standard behaviour?

Anonymumous · 07/01/2013 21:05

Your DP may well have had a point, but if he had an issue with it he should have spoken to you about it privately - not having a go at your daughter. She sounds sweet - I can't see my DS getting so excited about helping other people! So, no, YANBU.

Out of interest, however, did you discuss this with your DP before signing up for it? It sounds like he was taken by surprise. Maybe if you'd all investigated it together as a family beforehand, you could have looked at various charities together and discussed the potential pitfalls of charity-giving as part of that. And then DP would have been reassured that you'd all chosen the best possible option, and everyone would have been happy with the outcome.

catgirl1976 · 07/01/2013 21:06

YANBU

:( That's awful - she's a child getting pleasure from doing something for someone other than herself

She doesn't need to start analysing how charities work at her age

amazingmumof6 · 07/01/2013 21:06

he's a dick to make DD cry and upset her like this!
he should have talked to you in private first and whatever he thinks he should have been proud of her for being so sweet and caring and very mature!

he might be right in what he thinks, but massive thumbs down for shit delivery! way to go idiot, breaking DD's spirit!

I think what he did was far more damaging in terms of your DD's faith in goodness of mankind (if Daddy's so nasty, what's the point?), then later on finding out that the money perhaps wasn't going to her new friend!

I'm wondering whether on her wedding day he'll say to her "you are beautiful darling!" or " is this the dress you spent a fortune on?"

IAmLouisWalsh · 07/01/2013 21:07

I work with a guy who does this. He is a tosspot.

MrsBW · 07/01/2013 21:07

My very first ever Shock

BlackholesAndRevelations · 07/01/2013 21:09

YANBU. poor girl Sad

WinkyWinkola · 07/01/2013 21:10

Has he actually researched the charity in question? They are often very transparent about their running costs vs on the ground work.

He has been a prize knobber to destroy her happiness like this.

Tortington · 07/01/2013 21:11

what a very clever big man to do this to a 10 yo

Shallishanti · 07/01/2013 21:12

mmm, he'll cancel your direct debits? but you both work and have a joint account???
Unless you are really on the breadline I don't think £15 a month warrents a family conference, you should have the right to make those decisions independently.
And, yes, he should not have tried to undermine your dds good intentions. I don't think she is necessarily too young to learn about corruption, but if you are happy with how Plan spend your money that should be fair enough. But you might also want to talk to dd about how what she does can make a difference in other ways....especially if you notice her getting v materialistic...talk about fair trade, not wasting, living lightly

PiccadillyCervix · 07/01/2013 21:13

He's a twat and who is he to cancel your direct debits?

Proudnscary · 07/01/2013 21:14

Is he tight? Cynical? Paranoid? Cruel? Thoughtless?

What's behind this reaction? What's he usually like?

DearPrudence · 07/01/2013 21:14

YANBU. I don't think she's too young to learn more about the issues of charity but I think your DH has gone about it all wrong.

AlexanderS · 07/01/2013 21:14

People who find reasons not to give money to charity like this really piss me off, it is so mean-spirited. YANBU. Tell him people on Mumsnet think he's a dick. Show him this post Grin.

PiccadillyCervix · 07/01/2013 21:14

Yes shallii the direct debits are the really worrying thing. UNless you are bread line and 15 pounds needs to be discussed as a family it's really none of his fucking business where you spend your money

Alligatorpie · 07/01/2013 21:15

Your dh is being a twat. The is not a conversation that she needed to be a part of.

Plan has low admin costs, i used to volunteer for them and they are very concerned about where the money goes. show her the research and all the good they do. Please keep sponsoring. Plan is a great organization.

MmeLindor · 07/01/2013 21:17

I can understand his misgivings, but it was wrong to speak to his DD like this.

Sit down with your DD and talk about this. I can highly recommend the programme Give us the Money - but watch it alone first, as I am not sure if it is suitable for a 10 year old.

I am very cynical about giving aid to charities and research very carefully before donating money. There are some incredibly good projects, where the money goes directly to the people and does help them.

Yes, there are issues with aid money being misappropriated, which is why you went for a recognised charity. Not that it gives you complete assurance but it is a start.

Use it as an opportunity to talk to your daughter about the importance of research, and how to look at a charity or cause critically, so that she can see that the money you are donating really does help young girls in a foreign country.

But be honest with her. The money that you send does not go directly to this girl, it goes to her community and they chose children to write and express their thanks, on behalf of the community.

Your DH is a dick, but it sounds like this is only one of the issues that you have with him at the moment.

NewYearNewNN · 07/01/2013 21:18

Are the direct debits he wants to cancel to other charities?

FabulousFreaks · 07/01/2013 21:20

Sounds just like my dad and he was a twat too. I feel for your dd.

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