TTo think that DH is being a complete shit to try to annihilate DD's idealism like this

[upsylazy]

There's a very long backstory to this which I won't drip-feed but just want to check that my general anger towards DH isn't clouding my judgement on this issue.

DD is 10 and basically very kind and caring but I have started to notice that she's become much more materialistic over the last 6 months - constantly wanting new stuff, all her clothes have to be the right labels, feels "cheated" if we go in a shop and don;t buy something etc. I've found myself constantly repeating things like she doesn't know how lucky she is, how loads of kids don't have enough to eat etc.

Anyway, a few months back, she saw an advert by Plan about girls in developing countries being forced into marriage from age 12 and asked if we could sponsor a child which I thought was great as you get to see the difference you're making in a much more real way than just shoving coins in a collecting tin. She was really clear that she wanted to sponsor a girl. We signed up online and I came home today and she was really excited because her letter had come through with a picture of the girl we are sponsoring. She had put the picture on her wall (of her new friend) and had started writing a letter and was more excited than she has been by any purchase I've seen her make.

Anyway, in wades DP asking how much it's costing (£15 per month) and instantly says that he'll cancel my other 2 direct debits. We both work and have a joint account. He then starts telling DD about how corrupt African countries are and how most of the aid ends up being given to wealthy people to drive big cars. I could see DD's lip wobbling and I told her that this was different because it is a charity and nearly all the money goes to the people who need it. He then started asking questions about what their admin costs are etc.

I know there are issues about where international aid ends up but this is a charity that I've researched and over 80% of the money goes to the people it's meant for. I also think it's very meaningful for a child to see the difference that the money is making to a real person.

I told DP that he doesn't need to project his cynicism onto a 10 year old but he insists that he's just "telling her the facts". It's completely taken the shine off the whole thing for her and I'm seething. AIBU?

What are the direct debits he wants to stop because you spent 15 quid a month on a charitable donation on behalf of your child?

Sorry he's a tosspot, I would open a personal acc pay all my income into it and give him housekeeping to pay my share of the bills then do what the fuck I wanted with the rest. Who the fuck put him in charge.

Hmm, he is being very unreasonable to threaten to cancel the direct debits, and no doubt he could have made his point in a better way without upsetting you and DD.

But it is totally fair enough for him to express his opinion and it is great to debate real and controversial stuff as a family.

You and DD would surely have won the argument as you had researched the charity and could counter his points.

Why don't you say, "Look, this costs the same as you pay for the lemons you suck on every day. Sod off."

yanbu, he's a complete shit.

Really really annoys me when people go on about charities not giving all their money directly to the cause. Do they think that all employees in charities should work for free....?
So for that reason alone he ibu

The money doesn't go to any girl. They just force the children to write the letters and get them crayons once a year.

I've seen it myself, choosing children from 'well off' families by 'poor countries' standards, so that the pictures they send look like they are actually making a difference.

I would never give 1p to Plan.

Having said that, your husband shouldn't have said that to your DD.

lovetomoan
I thought that Plan made it clear that the money goes to the community, and that the girls write thank you letters on behalf of the community?

It is a fine line, because of course people want to feel that they are making a difference to an individual or a family, but the charity has to fund projects that make sense. And giving £15 a month to one family doesn't.

Your poor dd, that's exactly the type of thing my dh would moan about as well. Whatever the ins and outs he should discuss it with you seperatley, let dd enjoy the feeling of helping someone else.

What Custardo said

he should really apologize to DD for upsetting her, even he's happy to stand by his opinion.

why cancel your other 2 direct debits? are they charities too? does he think you pay too much to charity? and why does he get to say if they're cancelled or not? he sounds nasty tbh.

"The money doesn't go to any girl. They just force the children to write the letters and get them crayons once a year.

I've seen it myself, choosing children from 'well off' families by 'poor countries' standards, so that the pictures they send look like they are actually making a difference."

i've always thought this and thought it was common knowledge, amongst adults anyway.

Your DH is entitled to an opinion but he had no right to wade in like that with no thought to your DDs feelings.

Lovetomoan, I sponsor a child through Plan and they made it very clear that the money goes on community projects and not to a specific family. Once they consider that community self sufficient, sponsorship of that child will end and I will be asked if I want to sponsor another child. The photos of the girl I sponsor do not show her home, just her and a background of trees. They do send updates on community projects.

Have you been involved with Plan?

There was an MN thread last week about sponsoring a child, and a lot of good advice was given, resulting in a good decision being made I believe. Presumably it's still there somewhere.

We sponsored overseas children when our DCs were your DD's age and got contact letters etc. You just need to find the right charities; this circumvents the corruption.

We have personal contacts in Madagascar (yes it is a real place, not just a film!) from having visited and could probably find you a direct link for correspondence and giving aid. We also run a 'Fairtrade' link for craft goods, which means that mums there can earn extra cash to send their kids to school etc. PM me for more info.

Hearty congratulations to DD! An extremely worthwhile cause.

thanks everyone. I was 99% certain that I WNBU but i posted a similar-ish thing a few months ago and the general consesnus was that we were both BU! Yes, the other 2 direct debits he threatened to cancel are for charities. There's always been this issue of him "policing" my spending - my only real "luxuries" are books and nice food. I spend virtually nothing on clothes, hair etc and hardly ever go out. I would consult him over any big spend but £15 is very doable and DD said that she'd take a £5 drop in pocket money so it's only really a tenner a month.
I'm still really angry with him - he doesn't seem to see that by being so spiteful to me, it's DD that he's really hurting. It blew me away how excited she was about helping someone else. She's really artistic and she'd started talking about how she could make cards to sell and send the money to her "friend's" village when DP stuck his oar in and almost reduced her to tears. I did actually point out to him that £15 is equivalent to 2 packets of fags (which he spends about £200 a month on). I virtually never use this retort when we have arguments about money as it always seems a bit below the belt but I'm going to start using it a lot more often.

But your DD isn't sponsoring the girl is she? It's you and your DP who are sponsoring her, so I think he is allowed an opinion on it.My DP and I would always discuss something like this before one of us went ahead and did it.It's one thing for a joint account to be used to buy things for the family and yourselves, your DP will expect that ,but for giving away to others I think warrants a discussion ,especially as your DH is idealogically opposed.

I think it is actually good that you and your DH sometimes have differing opinions. Your DD to be able to import 2 sets of views and work out for herself what her position is.

I think he has valid points and I think you should've discussed it with him before sponsoring so he could thrash them out with you first rather than do what he is doing now.

If he spends £200 a month on fags though he has lost every argument though

tell him that financial control is a form of domestic abuse (fact), so he needs to watch what he's threatening you with!

Yes he is allowed an opinion but he is also her dad and as such should have thought about what it meant for his dd before blowing up like this.

If he has an issue with giving money to charities, then it should be discussed between them, not by taking his dd 'into hostage'.
He should also have tried to understand why this could be good for his dd (eg her getting to feel how good you can feel when you help someone compare to a selfish treat like clothes).
He should have discussed that with the OP, not imposed his pov like this.

And he should also have realized that whatever he as saying was deeply upsetting for his dd and try to understand why it was.

From this snap shot, I would say a man who lacks compassion and always wants his won way, regardless of the impact on others.

real As I said, we would always discuss any major spend but, as we both work, I don't see the need to consult him about everything I spend money on - I certainly don't do this to him. Seeing your parents having a reasoned discussion/debate is one thing. Undermining one parent in front of the other and virtually reducing child to tears in the process is very different.
He's not "ideologically opposed" to the idea, he doesn't know the first thing about it.

I would sit down and have a long chat about why he thinks it's acceptable to pick on you and police your spending while he's free to blow thousands of pounds a year on fags. What a ridiculous double standard what a knob.

I'd use the retort that he spends 200 quid on killing himself every single time you had an argument about money in your shoes.

What a dick.

Him spending £200 on cigarettes is irrelevant.

You both earn your own money, and even if you didn't have a wage coming in, you should not feel that you have to justify any spending to him. Just as he doesn't have to justify to you. As long as you can afford it, you both get to decide on your own spending priorities.

At present I don't earn much, but my DH has never controlled my spending. I don't go mad and spend spend spend, but if we can afford it, and I want to buy something then I do.

Are you in debt that he is so controlling, and does your income cover your normal outgoings?

How much of your earnings goes on family expenses, and how much of his?

I am actually more concerned about that than his reaction to the sponsoring (horrible as that was for your DD).

XH doing stuff like that (sneering and once openly laughing at famine reports etc, saying "they had it coming" and "they spend it all on guns you know") got a dishonourable mention in my divorce petition.

I have sponsored 2 children, 1 is grown up now but we sponsor another child, and my children like joining in the writing and picking a nice photo to send etc. How horrible to upset DD like that. He should have privately discussed it with you if he had concerns. Eventually you have to introduce the idea of corruption and researching charities etc, but 10 is young IMHO so let them enjoy doing it without heaping that on them.