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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a reply doesn't absolutely have to be an RSVP card?

83 replies

swizzles · 07/01/2013 11:49

My friend is getting married in April. She is quite a bit younger than me (10 years younger) and at a completely different life stage but nevertheless she has always been a bit high maintenance and likes things her own way.

She is the type of person who sends out 'save the date' cards for her birthday about 10 months in advance so you absolutely have to attend a party (she lives 50 miles away so its not always easy).

She sent a save the date card for the wedding, fair enough. She also had 'official' engagement photos done in the style of William and Kate.

The invitations were received over the xmas holidays with an RSVP date on new years eve. It's a child free wedding. Our only childcare is our inlaws and they were on holiday so we couldn't ask them. She sent me a text when we didn't rsvp on time giving us a deadline of this week to let her know as she needed to do the seating arrangements. We have finally been able to respond 'yes' as parents are babysitting, however she is now requesting an RSVP card rather than a simple 'yes'.

AIBU to think this is all a bit over the top? I have two small kids and I work. I don't routinely have RSVP cards in the house and I don't have much spare time to go out shopping for them. Why can't she just accept a 'yes.'

She is not remotely posh, btw. We are not talking 'its the done thing in those circles' by any stretch.

OP posts:

EldritchCleavage · 07/01/2013 13:59

curryeater, the 'Special Fabrics of Wedding Bliss' has just made me gurgle with laughter.

LemonBreeland · 07/01/2013 14:06

Yes, what Blueberry said. You are likely to starve at the wedding too.

She isn't even getting married until April and she gave a rsvp date of NYE. Clearly actions of somebody who is so ensconsed in her wedding plans she has forgotten that Christmas and New Year are rather busy times. And also she did not give people very long to respond at all.

She sounds dreadful.

Viviennemary · 07/01/2013 14:12

She is over the top. But if that is what she wants why not humour her and get an RSVP card from a card shop. However, she is a bit cheeky for harassing you like this. She knows you are busy and are coming and should leave it at that.

curryeater · 07/01/2013 14:13

I really bloody hope she's on here, and recognises herself, and comes on with a whiny defence.
If you are here, please can you have a think about the catering for your wedding and make sure that people will have enough to eat and drink at decent intervals? It is probably too much to ask that you don't attempt to turn everyone's lives for the surrounding weeks into a MY WEDDING THEMEPARK, but please at least promise to feed people?

Original poster

swizzles · 07/01/2013 14:18

The thing is, our mutual friend is very tolerant of her.

To put it in context, I'm 40, the bride is 30 and mutual friend is 35. The mutual friend has started to have her own children now so her life has moved on but for a long time, I was the 'one with kids' and they weren't - so when I found her behaviour unreasonable or thoughtless, it was often much worse for me because, for example, it wasn't just me left hungry at the bbq, I also had a whiny hungry toddler. The mutual friend hated the bbq thing as well but took much longer to start declining invitations than we did because it didn't bother her as much - she would go on putting up with it after we decided not to.

I would say to mutual friend that I found her thoughtless or that I felt bludgeoned but she didn't seem to understand what I was saying and I would feel unsupported and wondered if I was being harsh.

And perhaps I am being harsh because some people are much more forgiving or tolerant than I am, I know that.

The mutual friend is bridesmaid for her. She is also pregnant and her baby is due 3 weeks before the wedding. I think she has gone along with the plan because she doesn't want to make waves and of course the bride cant be expected to fit her wedding plans around somebody's pregnancy but in the bridesmaid's position I would not have agreed to be bridesmaid in these circumstances.

Some people put up with much more than I do, it makes me wonder sometimes if I'm harsh and TBH this is probably why I've allowed myself to be bludgeoned by her in the past.

OP posts:

BlueberryHill · 07/01/2013 14:22

If someone didn't feed me, when I was invited over for lunch I would either turn down those invitations but go to others e.g. a drink or meeting up in a cafet (not doable if you live 50 miles away but you get the idea) or I would eat before I went and have some food as a back up for the kids. But I would only do the second one if I really liked their company.

In a nutshell, you aren't being hard on her, she is being inconsiderate to her guests, it is harder for you having 2 kids to manage who are hungry. You are much more forgiving than I am.

Bluestocking · 07/01/2013 14:24

She sounds ghastly! Love the idea of 'Special Fabrics of Wedding Bliss'. Will she have a Wedding Night album, do you think, with the First Nuptial Wet Patch (or Inaugural Married Condom) preserved in a special plastic cover?

meditrina · 07/01/2013 14:27

Weird.

I someone sends an RSVP card with an invitation, it is probably a kindness to fill it in, and enclose it with the formal letter in which you accept or decline the invitation.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 07/01/2013 14:29

I agree meditrina, but no RSVP card was sent in this instance.

It all could get horribly awkward though, especially for your mutual friend. She could go over her EDD and possibly end up having a c-section. How on earth is she going to be a bridesmaid?

Do keep us updated OP!

AmberSocks · 07/01/2013 14:31

if she wants rsvp cards then she should of sent one in the invitation,we did and no one bothered to use them

curryeater · 07/01/2013 14:33

Bluestocking - probably. (Actually that is not really that much weirder than people keeping POAS trophies.) There will be a page of the album with a flowery illustrated table that can be filled in (in fountain pen) with information about how many times they did it, who had orgasms, did anyone bang on the wall, etc.
Of course there will be a Wedding Presents (Material Index of Love & Friendship) Album, which will contain photos of every gift alongside information about what it cost, an image of the listing online to prove it, arranged from most valuable to least, and the last page with the cheapest thing will also include a really unflattering photo of the person doing the macarena, all red faced at the wedding.

FriendlyLadybird · 07/01/2013 14:42

She wants an RSVP CARD? I mean, if I send out formal invitations (as I did to my wedding) I kind of expect a formal reply, but there is no requirement that that should be in the form of a card. You just write in the third person on a piece of paper, don't you?

Even so, an email should be fine -- if you're organizing something it really is good to have written confirmation of who's coming and who isn't.

bootsycollins · 07/01/2013 14:47

Then a photo of her darling husbands balls before and after she cut them off put them in a jar and displayed them on the mantelpiece beside the dried wedding bouquet. Swizzles I have a mutual friend of a friend who sounds like bridezillaz new BFF they should meet!. I don't think it's an age related thing she sounds like a grade a pretentious dick, you and your dh could get hours and hours of laughs out of this, I think you should ask her for a copy of the engagement portrait because you'd love to show your Mum the lovely couple who are having the big posh wedding ( scare the shit out of your dh with it by sticking it up on the bedroom wall for a laugh).

Bluestocking · 07/01/2013 14:56

Oh curryeater, you are awful! But I like you.

ivykaty44 · 07/01/2013 15:00

you write in the third person n paper 6 weeks before the wedding and no sooner otherwise it may be deemed rude you know

TheCatIsEatingIt · 07/01/2013 15:28

OK, she's being a bit of a Bridezilla, but it is useful to have written replies so you can cross-check who's said what when your numbers don't add up and you need to hand in the seating plan to the venue yesterday.
Use an ordinary notecard, like you'd use for a thank you letter.

bootsycollins · 07/01/2013 15:30

RSVP with enclosed A4 laminated wedding etiquette do's and dont's

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 15:53

Two words: excel spreadsheet. That's all she needs.

FryOneFatManic · 07/01/2013 15:58

If the bridesmaids baby is due 3 weeks before the wedding, then the bride is runniong a serious risk of no bridesmaid.

I might have managed it 3 weeks after DS was born, but no way 3 weeks after DD was born (by ELCS) cos I was unable to stand up completely striaght or for long periods at that point.

Slumberparty · 07/01/2013 16:00

My DS had a wedding RSVP sent to her which was the back card part of her wedding invite cut off, with "Yes we xxxx will be attending" written on it. We thought it was actually quite a good idea. Others may have found it offensive I suppose that someone had cut up their wedding invite. But, if she's that keen on having an RSVP in writing...

Slumberparty · 07/01/2013 16:00

DS should be Dsis !

zipzap · 07/01/2013 16:12

Oh and remember to ask in your RSVP what the planned time of food being served is and if she is then expecting to have her customary 3 hour delay in which case you will know to bring your own packed lunch bread rolls with you :)

bootsycollins · 07/01/2013 16:15

Demand an RSVP for your RSVP

bootsycollins · 07/01/2013 16:16

*thank you note...........for your album of her wedding

PeppermintCreams · 07/01/2013 16:45

You can get definitely get RSVP cards especially for weddings. They are called "wedding acceptance" or "wedding regret" depending on whether you can go or not. Make sure it's A1 size so it doesn't fit in her album. I need to buy one tomorrow for a wedding in the Summer. We also got an invite with our Christmas cards, and no RSVP card or reply by date!

Bring a packed lunch for the wedding.

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