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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a reply doesn't absolutely have to be an RSVP card?

83 replies

swizzles · 07/01/2013 11:49

My friend is getting married in April. She is quite a bit younger than me (10 years younger) and at a completely different life stage but nevertheless she has always been a bit high maintenance and likes things her own way.

She is the type of person who sends out 'save the date' cards for her birthday about 10 months in advance so you absolutely have to attend a party (she lives 50 miles away so its not always easy).

She sent a save the date card for the wedding, fair enough. She also had 'official' engagement photos done in the style of William and Kate.

The invitations were received over the xmas holidays with an RSVP date on new years eve. It's a child free wedding. Our only childcare is our inlaws and they were on holiday so we couldn't ask them. She sent me a text when we didn't rsvp on time giving us a deadline of this week to let her know as she needed to do the seating arrangements. We have finally been able to respond 'yes' as parents are babysitting, however she is now requesting an RSVP card rather than a simple 'yes'.

AIBU to think this is all a bit over the top? I have two small kids and I work. I don't routinely have RSVP cards in the house and I don't have much spare time to go out shopping for them. Why can't she just accept a 'yes.'

She is not remotely posh, btw. We are not talking 'its the done thing in those circles' by any stretch.

OP posts:
Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 12:43

I've got a disney princess one....

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Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 12:45

they want money as a present as well....don't get me started. It's not for anything specify. Just 'money.'

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PurpleStorm · 07/01/2013 12:49

Bit cheeky to demand an RSVP card as a memento if you've not bothered including some with the invites.

I can understand wanting a written reply rather than a text, after losing all the texts from my phone after DS got his hands on it - but I'd count an e-mail as a written reply.

FryOneFatManic · 07/01/2013 12:50

Send the Disney princess one. That'll do.

GlaikitFizzog · 07/01/2013 12:56

She gave y a week to RSVP, over Christmas! I sent out invites out and gave 6 weeks to RSVP because our wedding was in January and wanted people to be aware for financial reasons etc. unless the wedding is next week there is no way she needs to know for the tale plan now! She is a control freak. I would decline the invite just on her attitude, but I understand she is yr friend and you want to go.

I would use a Christmas card, score out the Christmassy bits and post that to her, without a stamp so she has to pay the extra to get it from the post office, but then I'm evil! :o

Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:05

I think some people just have no consideration of other people, genuinely.

For example, she once invited us for sunday lunch (which you will remember is 50 miles away). We had a two week old baby and a 4 year old. I tried to wriggle out of it saying the date was inconvenient - it was nice to be invited but oh my god the hassle when you are postpartum.

She kept offering alternative dates. She used to do this a lot - she did it for a night out she was arranging when I was very early into my first pregnancy and hadn't told anyone. She just kept re-arranging the date so I would come and in the end I had to announce the pregnancy at 9 weeks to get her off my back.

Anyway, the lunch - in the end we gave in and went when baby was 6 weeks old. We took all the stuff we needed (I was bottle feeding and took enough for 2-3 feeds). We were told 1.30pm but when we arrived, her boyfriend had 'gone out to buy the meat.' He returned at 3pm with the food to cook dinner. We ate about 5.30. Baby was crying, I was nearly crying, I even had my first period after the baby and hadn't taken enough bloody maternity pads to last all night. My 4 year old was starving and had to be given bread halfway through the afternoon at my request.

It was just terrible. They had no idea what it's like to have a new baby and I can understand that but it was the real insistence that we went rather than taking the hint and the whole inviting us at 1.30 and having no fixed plans to eat lunch or nibbles in the meantime.

Some people are just built that way I think. She is a nice person honestly but she is like a dog with a bone about getting things her way. This is not the last I will hear of the RSVP card.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 13:05

If she wanted an RSVP card she should have included them.

If you want to keep the peace just write it on whatever you have to hand - seriously don't bother going out and buying one just for this for goodness sake.

I'd be more inclined to send a breezy text along the lines of "I'm so sorry I can't send a card, but between my full time job and two small children finding the time to go and buy one is a bit of a squeeze, I'm sure you understand! Me and MrSwizzles are really looking forward to it though and can't wait to share your special day with you".

She sounds absolutely mental and far too exhausting to try and appease. I'm sure she must have plenty of wonderful qualities for you to continue being friends with her though!

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 13:07

x-post.

What are her redeeming qualities actually?!

Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:11

she can have a laugh (though not at herself)

Erm....shes nice to my kids (though hasn't seen then for a couple of years)

We have a mutual friend. That's tricky.

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3birthdaybunnies · 07/01/2013 13:14

Get the dc to make a lovely very glittery card, with 'sorry we can't come but mummy and daddy can' am sure she will look back on it with tears in her eyes in 3 years when she is up to her eyes in muslin cloths, dirty nappies and baby wipes.

Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:15

tbh we sort of distanced ourselves over the last year or so following a couple of disastrous bbq invitations where the invite said 2pm and no food had been served by 7pm. It happened twice and on both occasions we had at least one hungry child with us.

On both occasions we made the 50 mile return journey without having eaten. On the second occasion she allowed DH to eat as he was working nights and we had arrived in 2 cars (seriously). The food had been ready for ages but they wouldnt let anyone eat until it was ALL ready. They made an exception for him and gave him some ribs so he wouldnt go to work on an empty stomach.

I drove home with the kids absolutely starving with them having had bread (again) for tea

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Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:16

I'm reading all this back and thinking she is mental now

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Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:17

oh birthday bunnies! can you imagine?!

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3birthdaybunnies · 07/01/2013 13:18

Oh and make sure it is big, at least A6, A5 if you have the guts and can get away with it!

Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:20

with photo of disappointed faced children

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BackforGood · 07/01/2013 13:21

Well, going against the grain slightly here, it's probably my age but I think a written wedding invitation does mean you should send a written reply, tbh. That said, "in time" would be fine (in my version of ettiquette, wedding invites get sent out 6 - 8 weeks before the wedding).
As she has phoned and demanded an answer, then I would have thought that that would then be sufficient. When we had to phone round a couple of people (2 weeks before), we certainly didn't need it backed up in writing at that point.
Also, you don't need a specific 'RSVP' card (never heard of them?!?), you just write it on some writing paper or a plainish notecard you 'have in'.

Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:23

I have some fairy writing paper 'in'.... for the kids

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FryOneFatManic · 07/01/2013 13:25

Giving people what amounts to little more than a week to reply, and a deadline of NYE is not reasonable.

I find it strange how some people don't seem to realise that their wedding is only of paramount importance to them. To everyone else, it's often little more than an excuse for a party/free food/etc.

But your friend doesn't seem to be one to consider how things might affect others. I guess you're going to see/hear more examples of bridezilla behaviour yet.

3birthdaybunnies · 07/01/2013 13:25

Even if you feel the wording is going a bit far, you really must get them to do a large glittery RSVP card, at least it will be unique, what is there to complain about?????

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/01/2013 13:28

Umm - it looks to me if she wanted an RSVP card, she was supposed to send you one to return to her.

Do you think maybe she's putting all her RSVPs in an album, for callers to be allowed to peruse whilst they watch the wedding video Grin

Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:32

they are deffo going in an album, she has told me

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curryeater · 07/01/2013 13:36
  1. She is pathetic. But if it is no trouble, just get a piece of paper and write ?John and Jane Swizzles are delighted to accept the invitation to Weirdybucket?s wedding? (assuming her invitation was in the 3rd person), hurl into postbox and get on with your life.
  1. But about that sunday lunch with the tiny baby: you shouldn?t have gone. She sounds like a nightmare and I am sure she bludgeoned you into it, but you should have said no, even if you had to say ?it?s not the date, we just can?t do things like that at the moment, we?ll let you know when we can, bye?
curryeater · 07/01/2013 13:38

Oh god Oh god I am imagining the weeks after the wedding... the viewing of the DVD... the leafing through the album of RSVPs... . the album of messages sent on the day... the official photo album... the unofficial photo album... the white and gold padded "invoices" album, in which the sacred invoices from caterers and florists will be solemnly kept.... the "swatches" book showing the materials that were rejected until the Special Fabrics Of Wedding Bliss were chosen for dresses and suits.... AAAAAAAAARGH

Original poster
swizzles · 07/01/2013 13:40

Oh my god yes.

Do we live far enough away to decline? DO you think she will bring the display here?

OP posts:
BlueberryHill · 07/01/2013 13:53

Why are you going seriously, she doesn't sound much of a friend or a hostess. Who leaves guests waiting for food from a bbq for hours so that children are starving?

At the wedding you are going to be standing around for ages, probably with nothing to eat or drink, while she has loads of photos taken peeking adoringly around a tree at her new husband or staring moodily into the distance.

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