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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am i been unreasonable my daughters pregnant again

135 replies

alycia · 07/01/2013 10:58

hi everyone and a happy new year.need to unburden and need advice please.ive posted on here before regarding my daughter and my grandson. shes 17 and my gs is 15months i care for him full time have done since june last year as she couldnt cope with been a full time mum. ive just found yesturday shes pregnant again to a new lad shes about 5 weeks. why have another one when im looking after her first child. she states shes keeping the baby. ive said to her she cant cope and shes selfish not talking to her at the moment im mad angry and upset havent slept and just dont no what to do with her. i really feel like disowning her for good.im sick of her shit shes making me feel ill. doctor wants me on antidepressents. where did i go so wrong.

OP posts:
ComfortablyCurvy · 07/01/2013 18:27

Hope you and your dd are ok op

Mu1berryBush · 07/01/2013 18:39

Maybe she wasn't pregnant. Maybe this was to test your reaction to a pregnancy she (for some reason) wants? Confused

Pickles77 · 07/01/2013 18:42

Maybe it was her period just arriving late? Is a suspected ectopic not an emergency?

Cabrinha · 07/01/2013 19:45

Alycia, people are being supportive - I understand that you're stressed, but it's not OK to throw "get over it" at people who query facts. You know yourself that not all stories are as they seem - so its fair to query it. Stay polite.

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 20:11

dont tell me how to react or what to say or think

OP posts:
Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 20:12

i dont no whats going on tbh. maybe she was lying who nos

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 07/01/2013 20:24

I will point out if I think you are being rude

JenaiMorris · 07/01/2013 20:30

Sorry, I'm another one who would be encouraging her to at least consider a termination. It's odd how whenever anyone suggests termination that it gets turned into "forcing her to have an abortion" whereas any alternative is never labelled as "forcing her to have a baby". I digress.

You're in a shit situation alycia. Are you sure though that she can't move back in with you? Or at least near to you? You'd have a very, very strong case with the housing people to have her housed nearby. You can support her from a distance; she can hopefully form a better relationship with her first child (assuming she keeps the second one). She is exhausting you yes, but by the same token she is still a child and she needs you. I needed my mum at 27.

thekidsrule · 07/01/2013 21:21

op what a hard situation for you

it may have been mentioned and i missed it but has your daughter ever discussed having ds1 back living with her

does she show any enthusiasum for him to live back with her?

razamatazz · 08/01/2013 03:35

I dont think you were beung rude in the slightest op. I really feel for you, you sound a very hard working, loving and caring person so it will go against your nature to be tough. Hang in there and I have huge respect for you . xx

Birdsgottafly · 08/01/2013 04:07

Off topic, but you mentioned in your last thread that you were struggling for money.

Are you not classed as a "kinship carer" and the needs of your GS (clothes) taken care of by an allowance or a grant via SS?

Birdsgottafly · 08/01/2013 04:09

"it may have been mentioned and i missed it but has your daughter ever discussed having ds1 back living with her"

If SS are involved then a plan for that would have to be drawn up, agreed upon and followed through.

It wouldn't really just be a matter for the OP to decide.

Birdsgottafly · 08/01/2013 04:13

I see at the end of the last thread you said that the SW and CAB were sorting things out for you, which is a surprise that the benefits were not in place, considering your DD was under 17 and then no longer resided with you

I think that you need to keep SS informed of any major changes, including another pregnancy.

CheerfulYank · 08/01/2013 04:29

I remember your other thread. Hope things are going as well as they can for you.

It is so hard. I know a woman who has three kids (2 dads), has had an abortion, and is newly pregnant again. She says she is keeping this one because the father is financially stable and has offered them a nice house. Hmm

It's so hard to say anything helpful to her because she rails at me with "not everyone has this perfect life, where they're married and then have a kid!" Confused

I certainly know that, and for the record I didn't plan DS! It just happened that I was married before having an "accident". It's so hard to be supportive when she says things like "I forgot to take my pills, so sue me!"

OP if she is in fact still pregnant, maybe her bf will step up and be a good dad?

MumVsKids · 08/01/2013 04:37

When I had suspected ectopic pg, it was an emergency. Consultant wanted to do laparoscopy immediately.

That suspected ectopic is now 8 months and breast feeding like he's never eaten before!!

ll31 · 08/01/2013 08:22

Hope you're doing ok op. If she has lost baby or wasn't't even pregnant then once the immediate upset is past I do think, hard as it sounds, that you should have a conv with her saying you won't be supporting her in another pregnancy and that that means if her and boyfriend can't or won't cope then baby will go to care not to you...hope you're ok

Original poster
alycia · 08/01/2013 08:29

thanks everyone. i will not have her living back with me she just wants to be with her bf i dont mean to be nasty on here its just ive had enough of it all now. trying to find out about a kinship carer but dont think i can get a grant or anything because im his nan and not a foster carer.

OP posts:
Original poster
alycia · 08/01/2013 08:33

ss wont give me an allowence as i took my gs on so they say so dont think i can get any extra help with that but if anyone nos more about this who i can contact that would be great. my daughter hasnt said about having her son back and tbh shes classed as been unsuitable by the ss for the moment.

OP posts:
JenaiMorris · 08/01/2013 09:02

This miscarriage/ectopic might be pie in the sky. Either way (and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this) she really needs to be thinking about proper contraception.

I say this as a grown woman (older than you I think, if I've done my sums correctly!) who couldn't trust herself to remember to take the pill reliably. Mirena might be a good option, although I hated having mine fitted.

thekidsrule · 08/01/2013 09:20

how sad that she hasnt mentioned having her son back

all the very best op

Rollmops · 08/01/2013 09:22

I so want to believe that OP is trolling, but a look at any High Street in this country confirms her sad-sad story.
End of the civilization is in sight as we as a species, are regressing. Rapidly.

Hmm
Original poster
alycia · 08/01/2013 14:24

shes on the pill or was.same when she had her first. she had the injection in the arm but because of constant bleeding the doctor took it out i was there and wasnt happy this was before she had her son.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 08/01/2013 15:19

shes classed as been unsuitable by the ss for the moment.

Then the SW would have to write a plan for your GS and if you were awarded residency (you say you are getting CTC) then you are a "kinship carer" and there should be funds available if you geuninely needed clothes for your GS.

There must have been a time when your DD was underage and therefor your GS was on a Child Protection plan and things went from there and your DD left home?

Birdsgottafly · 08/01/2013 15:22

You couldnot have residency of your GS and your DD give up responsibility without you having a "title" as carer.

Who takes him the doctors, if you do not have any rights awarded via the LA then you cannot make decisions.

Who will take him to the Children's Centre for activities etc.

This needs to be sorted out now.

Corygal · 09/01/2013 00:23

As it happens, I think a miscarriage is exactly the right time for OP to explain she can't take on any more unwanted children. Go for it, OP.

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