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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am i been unreasonable my daughters pregnant again

135 replies

alycia · 07/01/2013 10:58

hi everyone and a happy new year.need to unburden and need advice please.ive posted on here before regarding my daughter and my grandson. shes 17 and my gs is 15months i care for him full time have done since june last year as she couldnt cope with been a full time mum. ive just found yesturday shes pregnant again to a new lad shes about 5 weeks. why have another one when im looking after her first child. she states shes keeping the baby. ive said to her she cant cope and shes selfish not talking to her at the moment im mad angry and upset havent slept and just dont no what to do with her. i really feel like disowning her for good.im sick of her shit shes making me feel ill. doctor wants me on antidepressents. where did i go so wrong.

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 07/01/2013 11:55

Poor you. What an awful situation.

StitchAteMySleep · 07/01/2013 11:55

Oh Alycia, that is hard, I remember your other thread about your gs.

Have you been to CAB for advice about getting child benefit and tax credits for gs?

Can the fostering department at your local council help advise you? You should be able to get a fostering allowance if you sign a foster care agreement with them for your gs.

Incidentally they may be able to get you a priority housing referral too.

shewhowines · 07/01/2013 12:03

Don't disown her but step back from it all for your own health.

Tell her that you will be there for her and will help her all you can, but only when she makes positive moves to sort herself out. But make it clear you will not take responsibility for this baby now or at any point in the future. Point out to her that it will be easier to give it up as soon as it is born, than later down the line when she can't cope but has really grown attached to it.

Try to help her see that real true love is doing what is best for someone - even if it hurts you in the process. She needs to think of the baby and not what she wants.

By the same token, you can show your true love for your daughter by using tough love and not enabling her any more by picking up the pieces. She needs to make her own mistakes and live with the consequences. Show your love for your unborn GC by working with SS, if you can't persuade her to have it adopted.

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:07

i wouldnt have her back living with me i need to be strong . cant believe this is happening again. im just thinking how can she give one child up and have another living with her. she cant care about her 1st one

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Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:11

i live in a good area so dont want to move really. cb and ctc is now all sorted for my grandson now. dont no if i can get a fostering allowence cus im not a fosterer im his nan as ive been informed already. i might be able to get a residence order allowence tho not sure

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Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:12

i just feel if i keep away and have no contact it will be easier on me really then i dont or want to get involved with any of it.

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3smellysocks · 07/01/2013 12:14

I think you don't need to disown her. Grandchild needs a positive relationship with mother despite him living with you. Does she spend time with him?

At the same time have a rule that you do not lend money at all. Under no circumstances. 'Sorry but I am doing being firm because I love you'.

However, you are not the only grandparent in all this. There are her partners parents. They can support this son to support new child.

shewhowines · 07/01/2013 12:14

Then if that's how you feel then fine but leave the door open for a future relationship with her when she matures and sorts herself out (if she does).

ElsieMc · 07/01/2013 12:20

This is so hard. My DD1 had her first at fifteen and he was eventually placed with me through a residence order. She was great at first, but once he got to a few months old she started wanting to go out all the time and left him with us. The whole situation was so sad - for my daughter who was a child herself and for her beautiful baby.

She got pregnant again at seventeen and things followed the same course. We were delighted she was so good with him at first, then she started drinking and going out again but far, far worse this time. She left with him so she could get a flat herself. We tried to stop her, but we did not have PR. This was not because we wanted her son ourselves, but we knew she could not look after him and prioritise his needs.

To cut a long story short, he was also taken from her by SS and placed with us .

Its been really hard and I understand why you want to distance yourself. I wish I could say she will succeed and I really hope for you all that this is the case.

If things go wrong, no matter how hard you have tried to remain distant, social services will contact you first. After all, the sibling is with you and you have already stepped up to the mark.

I wish you well.

Pandemoniaa · 07/01/2013 12:20

i just feel if i keep away and have no contact it will be easier on me really then i dont or want to get involved with any of it.

How will your gs keep in contact with his mother if you cut all contact though? Also, while your dd does come across as feckless and immature, is this reason enough to disown her? Not that I think you'd find it easy to do so anyway since you clearly care for her very deeply.

ErikNorseman · 07/01/2013 12:26

She may not have a choice about having DC2 adopted though.

StitchAteMySleep · 07/01/2013 12:27

Alycia, www.buckscc.gov.uk/bcc/children_social_care/fostering/family_friends_care.page this is bucks council's fostering a family member Page which talks about fostering your own family member, might be of interest to you. You would have to go through your local council, but it may be a way of getting more support.

I agree disowning her would detrimentally affect her relationship with your gs, which is not fair on him. I would do what others have suggested and refuse financial and practical support. A hard decision when it might mean one of your grandchildren ending up in care, are you prepared for the impact that may have emotionally on you?

Corygal · 07/01/2013 12:28

Where are she and her BF living? Are they hoping to get housed because of the pregnancy?

I really feel for you. Don't disown her, but stand back. (Easier said than done.) Be straight with SS, and tell them you won't be taking the next one.

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:29

i love her so much but cant help anymore. she sees him and he stays over night my mum would do contact id never stop her seeing her son

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Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:31

bf family will have to help with new baby i cannot and wont do it again and i havent the time or energy anymore im tired with it all.

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happy2bhomely · 07/01/2013 12:31

What support is she getting at the moment? Not necessarily from you, but from anyone? I had my first child at 17, and lived at home for a year. My mum didn't cook for us, clean up after us, shop for us, babysit, nothing. She spent the year 'training' me to be prepared to live by myself. I moved out and I've been with the same partner for 13years. We are married and have another 3 children together. Her being a poor parent is not due to her age. What were the circumstances around her son's birth?

I don't think you should try to convince her to either abort or adopt. It is a choice that only she can make, regardless of her age. All you can do is be honest and explain that you will not be providing care for the new child.

She might be making a sad attempt of proving everyone wrong. She probably feels that this is a fresh start for her. She is probably having a baby to encourage interest in her. I know it sounds strange, but being looked after by HCP's and even social workers during pregnancy makes some people feel very cared about. Maybe she feels she's worth something while she's carrying something everyone cares about.

All you can do is to work with social services to ensure the safety of your child and grandchildren.

Please don't give up on her-she is only 17.

Mu1berryBush · 07/01/2013 12:32

nightmare for you! she has been getting so much emotional and practical support she never really had time to absorb how hard having a baby is. I agree with the tough love line. She can't move back in with you. No more money. You're supposed to have a bit of a life yourself when your own kids are nearly raised.

I'd pressure her to abort the baby she's carrying now tbh. She's 17 fgs.

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:35

they have there own council flat but want a house.dont no if ss will take it off her or not. im in court this thu to be granted a residence order for my gs so im going to see about the ro allowence. ive been told i cannot get a fostering allowence but i def will check the website out thanks

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Mu1berryBush · 07/01/2013 12:37

who is 'they'? the lad she's been with five weeks? or she's been with him a while but is five weeks pregnant?

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:38

she wont get rid of it or have it adopted shes told me straight. she has one child she cant care for she cannot care for another and my point is you care for the child you have given up not have more

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Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:39

sorry shes about 5 weeks pregnant so very early days and shes been with him about 8 months the bf

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Corygal · 07/01/2013 12:41

I rather agree with you, Alycia.

I would tell DD straight that having another child is highly unlikely to get her the free house she wants. Explain she'll be left with a baby and no house.

nellyjelly · 07/01/2013 12:43

Ss can be involved in a positive way. She needs to step up and take responsibility, while you are digging her out of a hole she will never take responsibility.

She needs support, guidance etc. a family support worker can help, there may be parenting classes etc. if she still can't cope then they may consider other action such as pt or ft fostering. I know this sounds drastic but she needs to be able to be given an opportunity to do it with support. You can be involved to whatever extent you wish. Has she got a social worker now? If so can you discuss with them?

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 12:46

i just dont understand her you dont give kids up and have more stupid or what.they wont give her a house well they shouldnt she doesnt work or go to college nothing. i really dont like who she is.her first born will surely get pushed out and that wouldnt be fair.

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tropical1 · 07/01/2013 12:48

Hi,
I have been through similar with my daughter. She had first DS at 17, then second DS at 18. They have both been removed by SS. (We have DS1). We then found out she was pregnant AGAIN with DD. She was removed at birth by SS.
My daughter is quite a bright girl, but does stupid things particularly where unsuitable men are concerned.
I don't know what the answer is, you cannot force her to have a termination or go for adoption. I hope it works out for you.