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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am i been unreasonable my daughters pregnant again

135 replies

alycia · 07/01/2013 10:58

hi everyone and a happy new year.need to unburden and need advice please.ive posted on here before regarding my daughter and my grandson. shes 17 and my gs is 15months i care for him full time have done since june last year as she couldnt cope with been a full time mum. ive just found yesturday shes pregnant again to a new lad shes about 5 weeks. why have another one when im looking after her first child. she states shes keeping the baby. ive said to her she cant cope and shes selfish not talking to her at the moment im mad angry and upset havent slept and just dont no what to do with her. i really feel like disowning her for good.im sick of her shit shes making me feel ill. doctor wants me on antidepressents. where did i go so wrong.

OP posts:
ArkadyRose · 07/01/2013 14:37

I have a lot of sympathy for you, alycia. I have a friend who's been going through the same thing with her own daughter, except she both her children are legally adults so her GD is the only small child (her DS has ASD though and she also looks after her own mother - GD's great-GM - in the same house, so she's still pretty busy). GD is 5 and best friends with my DD3. The daughter had GD when she was 15 and promptly dumped the poor thing on my friend and scarpered off to Ireland for over a year with the then-BF. My friend has effectively raised her GD as her own, with the mother breezing in and out of GD's life whenever she feels like it, then disappearing again when she's back on the drugs and taken up with yet another man.

She got pregnant again, and my friend just had to call SS because the daughter was back on the drugs and quite obviously couldn't take care of herself, let alone another baby - and my friend just can't take on another child. SS tried to work with the daughter to get her into those young-mums-&-babies units where they help them get off drugs & teach them how to be able to care for their kids themselves, which frankly would be the makings of the girl and put her straight - but she refused to co-operate.

The baby - a little boy - was born 2 months premature and was finally able to come home from hospital just before Christmas. He went straight into care from hospital.

My friend really did do everything she could for her daughter, but at the end of the day her GD had to take priority - her daughter is legally an adult and if she wasn't going to help herself, there wasn't really anything my friend could do; but her GD needs her far more. She's provided a stable, loving home environment for her GD for the past 5 years. It's not my friend's fault her daughter went completely off the rails; some kids sadly just do reach teen years, fall in with the wrong crowd and go bad. My friend did her best, but she has to concentrate on GD. It broke her heart that she couldn't take in her GS too, but she's not a young woman any more.

So I do understand what you're going through and how hard it is. I've seen what my friend's gone through. You will be doing the best possible thing for both your GS and the unborn baby by putting your foot down and insisting you will not take the baby on. Your first duty now is to your GS and your other two young children; your daughter is old enough to fend for herself. It sounds harsh, but frankly she's made her own bed and now she must lie in it.

TinyDancingHoofer · 07/01/2013 14:40

Stop enabling. I'd tell her to start providing for her current child, even if it's just a negligible amount. She needs to get a job, even if it were just a volunteering position. It sounds like you do all the hard bits and then she has nice fun days out. If she refuses then stop supporting her, don't have her round your house and get the SS involved more. It is really not fair to bring babies into this situation.

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 14:43

thats my point the poor innocent babies. i dont want any of my grand kids in care but i just couldnt take any more on

OP posts:
Shellywelly1973 · 07/01/2013 14:46

Hi op. I really feel for you. Its a bloody tough situation for you. I was very young when i had my first 2dc about your daughters age. My mum let me stay at home until my ds 1st birthday. In that year the most help i got was getting my dinner cooked,but more often then not i cooked for the whole family. I had to support myself &ds financially. Worked, cared for ds etc. I was only 17 when i moved out, had dd a year later.

My niece is 21. She's just had her 4th dc. Her mum has 2 of them. Ss will take the new baby...again. My sil has done everything to help my niece. Yet shes done it 4times now.

My point being some people are naturally better parents then others. Everyone can learn to be a good parent regardless of age. You need to look after yourself, your girls &gs.

My dc are now in their 20's. Sometimes they have done stuff i dont agree with or like. All you can do is tell her what you will/won't do&stick to it. Your not responsible for her behaviour or choices anymore.

Best of luck.

maddening · 07/01/2013 14:57

Would she come to parenting classes with you? Maybe see if she can really get on the baby bandwagon -maybe see if there are classes for household and financial management - really equip her with the skills she needs - she might feel inspired with some positive action? So back off the finan

maddening · 07/01/2013 15:03

Financial support and work at building her up.

You might find the spoiling her has left ger feeling not so confident in herself as her mum has done it all for her.

How stable is her life now (apart from the pg ) - does she have any ambition? Anything to aim for? She sounds like she needs a spark of drive? How stable is the bf?

Pickles77 · 07/01/2013 15:14

Just wanted to say your doing a great job Wink

grimbletart · 07/01/2013 15:24

alycia - you don't deserve this. Well done for your support.

It looks though as this particular horse has bolted already.

The one sensible thing this irresponsible daughter could do is to get herself sterilised, otherwise you will all be in the same position again in a couple of years.

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 15:29

thanks everyone. ive tried classes for her and support she wont take it.she does nothing at all.bf is a nice lad quite stable so thats something i suppose

OP posts:
WildWorld2004 · 07/01/2013 16:02

Alcyia i dont think there is anything that you can do to change ur dd. she needs to grow up & realise that she is a mum.

Some people regardless of age are just clueless. My dsis is late 20s, just had her first dc and is a pretty lazy useless mum but she wants another one soon. She doesnt even look after the one she has.

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 16:25

why do they have or want more thats what i dont understand. she really does piss me off my daughter

OP posts:
Corygal · 07/01/2013 16:27

Alycia - you're not enabling! Did you get her pregnant?! Tsk.

Are you scared that if DC2 is either a)unwanted b)removed at birth c) removed a bit later you'll feel obliged to take the child on?

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 16:31

corygal.yessss ur so right thats what im feeling

OP posts:
WildWorld2004 · 07/01/2013 16:40

I think any good mum wouldnt want her child's kids taken into care and would feel like they HAD to care for the grandchildren.

You would not be a bad person if your grandchildren ended up in care. That is down to your daughter not you. If you dont feel like you cant look after another child, dont and dont feel guilty about it.

WildWorld2004 · 07/01/2013 16:46

Alycia i have no idea why these kind of people think it would be good to have another child.

My sis is a few years older than me. And it frustrates me that she thinks that it is ok to just 'pop' kids out and not look after them.

Corygal · 07/01/2013 16:52

Well, take a deep breath and breathe out slooowly. I would tell SS that, to be honest - it's way too much for you to take on. You don't have to do it, it's not a good idea for you long term, and it certainly won 't stop DD getting pregnant again.

Anyone reasonable and caring would be with you on that. I would explain that SS can't see you taking on another baby as an option, because it isn't a compassionate or sensible choice. Stick with that.

If SS want to give DD the chance of keeping her DC, they need to take on board that if her parenting fails, their solution will not be a 5-min car ride with the babe round to yours one morning. That wouldn't be fair on anyone. The SW will have to do a lot of unpleasant, difficult work instead.

I know people who've had their kids brought up by other family members, and I really do not think the family would have taken on any more after the first placement. (I also know people in the same family who were heartily relieved to have been told they were ineligible).

If you think you'll get anywhere by doing so, I would tell DD and her BF that you can't take the baby at any point.

realcoalfire · 07/01/2013 17:05

This baby has 2 parents. what about the boyfriend?

TheBrideofMucky · 07/01/2013 17:08

This sounds so difficult for you all.

I understand your reasons but I couldn't see a grandchild go into care and would do anything I could to stop that from happening. But then what do you do? She could fall pregnant time after time, knowing you will pick up the pieces and never facing the consequences.

boomting · 07/01/2013 17:22

If at all possible, after this baby is born, I'd make any contact with DS / financial support entirely conditional on her using long term contraception methods. The implant is a good one, because you can (I believe) normally see / feel it if it is poked a bit, and it lasts for three years.

Ultimately, if the baby was adopted fairly briskly after birth then it would probably be the best thing all around. There are legions of adopters out there looking for healthy newborns, and it would reduce the disruption for the baby. It gets much harder to place them, and overall outcomes get worse, the older they get.

boomting · 07/01/2013 17:42

Hang on a minute, according to this thread, your GS was 12 months old at the beginning of last month. How has he suddenly become 15 months old?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1632812-full-custody-of-grandson-please-help?pg=1

Pickles77 · 07/01/2013 17:58

Do people not round it up? When Dd was 3.5 months it was easier to say 4 months... Wink

Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 18:07

owwww god ive said the wrong age get over it ok hes 15 months old hes 2 in october this year ok

OP posts:
Original poster
alycia · 07/01/2013 18:09

my daughter has just text me saying shes had either a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy shes been to the doctor but they havent sent her to the hospital.she says shes going either tonight or tmoz night

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/01/2013 18:15

I hope she is all right alycia is her bf with her?