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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to meet with (ex) DP to talk things over until after my operation?

63 replies

Hopeandbluebells · 06/01/2013 21:55

I've posted about the issues DP have been having recently on here before, but a brief history for those who haven't seen my other thread:

I'm due to have a hysterectomy the week after next due to cervical cancer which unfortunately has spread too far for a smaller operation. DP and I were together 8 years and spent the last 6ish TTC, which obviously won't be an option now. DP was absolutely useless after I was diagnosed and obsessed with the fact that it meant he wouldn't be able to have his "own" children with me, long story short I ended up leaving last week and going to stay with my mum because I was trying to talk to him and he was just avoiding me, it was hopeless. I was getting the impression from him that he wanted out though he wouldn't say so directly.

He's now decided he wants to meet up and talk at some point this week ASAP.

Aibu to refuse to meet him until after my op? Bearing in mind it's probably going to be a few weeks after the op before I'm up meeting him to talk about this?

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 06/01/2013 21:57

Given how he has ignored your feelings and concentrated on his own, I think you should do exactly as YOU want and exactly what will work for you.

So sorry you are going through all of this.

HumphreyCobbler · 06/01/2013 21:58

I am so shocked by his behavior. Has he no thought for you and your health in all this?

ohfunnyhoneyface · 06/01/2013 21:59

Agree with above.

Good luck and hope it goes well.

soulresolution · 06/01/2013 22:02

I read your other thread and, along with EVERYONE else, was aghast at his cruel, selfish behaviour. Concentrate only on yourself, give yourself time and tell him to use his waiting time to think about the way he's treated you. Good luck xx

StuntGirl · 06/01/2013 22:03

I remember your other thread. He's still being as selfish as ever then. I know this might sound horrible OP but do you think he's thought there's something he wants to say to you in case anything happens to you during your operation?

Personally I'd still tell him to do one - you need to focus on you right now and you don't need any upsetting distractions before your operation. Things are difficult enough for you as it is right now. Good luck for your operation, I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 06/01/2013 22:06

I read your thread.

I think you should do whatever you want to do and whatever you feel will be most beneficial to you.

He lost the right to your consideration when he packed his bags.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 06/01/2013 22:08

i never saw the other thread and i am at someone acting like that. you and your health should come first. wait till afterwards when you have recovered. you dont need any added stress before surgery, its stressful enough without anything else added into the mix

PessaryPam · 06/01/2013 22:12

Do what you want to do, and have a chat with your DM. I am sure she will have an opinion. Don't let any more stress than is absolutely necessary in at the moment.

CaptChaos · 06/01/2013 22:12

You must do what you feel comfortable with. Unless he is going to come over, beg abjectly for your forgiveness and promise to MTFU, then I wouldn't have anything to do with it until the op is out of the way and you're feeling stronger.

Good luck with everything, I hope it goes well for you.

jackstini · 06/01/2013 22:13

Not read your other thread but any chance he realises what a twunt he has been and wants to apologise and have the conversation he should have had days ago?

Even so, you should do whatever you need to at this difficult time, so sorry you are going through this

Pilgit · 06/01/2013 22:14

I also read the other thread and was horrified at his behaviour. However is there a chance he wants to make peace? If it were me I wouldn't be able to wait till after (but i also can't leave a scab and have to pick it apart). Hope it all goes well for you.

Badvoc · 06/01/2013 22:18

Do what is right for you.
Take time after your op to look after yourself.
Good luck x

CloudsAndTrees · 06/01/2013 22:19

I didn't see your other thread, but assuming you don't have a child already, then you owe him nothing. If you don't want to talk to him, then don't.

soulresolution · 06/01/2013 22:19

Trouble is if it turns out he hasn't contacted to apologise/make peace then OP risks being made more upset which is the last thing she needs. Better off steering well clear of him for now, the git.

LindyHemming · 06/01/2013 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 06/01/2013 22:22

I think in these circumstances your first duty is to yourself. You do what would make you feel better and disregard his feelings for the time being. If you think meeting him will make you feel better then go ahead and if you don't then say no. Good luck!

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas · 06/01/2013 22:23

You do what you need to do. Be selfish, think of yourself.

missrlr · 06/01/2013 22:25

Playing devils advocate here, and I in no way condone his behaviour, but there are many factors here which although painful you might be wise to consider even if only for your own longer term peace of mind.

when after your op do you envisage being able or willing to have this undoubtably painful and emotional conversation? You can hardly expect to be in a more stable emotional state soon post op than right now?

What happens if your ability to face this conversation is delayed perhaps significantly?

What if he wants to say sorry and he has pulled his head out of his bum? To be there for you?

You do not need more questions and queries racing around your head right now than is necessary you really do have sufficient to contend with. Only you know if some clarity will help or if worst news this will hurt but draw a line.

How about yes I will talk to you providing you are saying sorry and other helpful things relating to my illness, operation and recovery. if not then STFU, and when or if I am ready I will contact you, and no I have no idea when that will be.

Or just tell him to do one and change your number or gets his blocked to your mobile by your provider

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 06/01/2013 22:28

Hope Im sorry that you going through this, and to think he wants to see you before you go through major operation, as if you havent enough to concern your self with, actually annoys me.

Does he think it'll be easier to leave while your are preoccupied?
Is he genuinely sorry?
Or is he just wanting to justify his shittiness?

I'd say to him OP that if he wants to be there for your while you have your OP, then he can be, but i wouldnt discuss this til after your OP, dont let him make shitty excuse for his actions.

Give him the opportunity to make up for them by him being there when you have your op.

biff23 · 06/01/2013 22:37

Do whatever feels right for you. I agree however with some of the others, could it me he's had time to think things through and now that the initial shock has lessened he can now see reason? I don't at all condone his actions during this horrible time for you but I know I've behaved awfully in times of utter despair and would hate for someone to be written off because of their very bad but unusual behaviour.

As I said though, only you can determine what's right for you as you know his 'normal' behaviour and how supportive he can/can't be.

Good luck for your op, that's the only thing you should be having to deal with at the moment.

Original poster

Hopeandbluebells · 06/01/2013 22:39

Seem to have managed to create two threads by mistake, sorry

The trouble is I'm worried he might have something he needs to say/ he might be seeing the error of his ways and by refusing to see him I'll ruin any chance of sorting things out IYSWIM. But then I'm not totally convinced I do want to sort things out :/

Inlovewithdavidtennant love the username btw

OP posts:

Doingakatereddy · 06/01/2013 22:41

I read your thread & was heartbroken about how you had been treated.

I think distance between you will help, as my Mum used to say - 'time to batten down the hatches' and look after yourself.

MistyKnight · 06/01/2013 22:45

Horrid situation op - I reckon it would be good to wait until after the op to talk.

However, I think it's worth writing down privately all the things you would say to him if you saw him today. Your feelings might be all over the place for a while after the operation and it will help now to get it all out, and later as an aide memoire.

Good luck!

ChaoticintheNewYear · 06/01/2013 22:48

I think you need to do what feels right for you. I also think you need to decide what you want first.

Quite frankly I'd make the bastard wait but that's me.

SirBoobAlot · 06/01/2013 22:48

Jesus what a wanker.

I can't imagine what you are going through right now, and his bullshit is the last thing you needed.

Think you have to do what is best for you. If you think meeting with him to talk things over, and to get an apology, would help, then do it. If you think it is just going to add more stress, or that you don't want to see him right now, then don't.

Much love to you.

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