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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to meet with (ex) DP to talk things over until after my operation?

63 replies

Hopeandbluebells · 06/01/2013 21:55

I've posted about the issues DP have been having recently on here before, but a brief history for those who haven't seen my other thread:

I'm due to have a hysterectomy the week after next due to cervical cancer which unfortunately has spread too far for a smaller operation. DP and I were together 8 years and spent the last 6ish TTC, which obviously won't be an option now. DP was absolutely useless after I was diagnosed and obsessed with the fact that it meant he wouldn't be able to have his "own" children with me, long story short I ended up leaving last week and going to stay with my mum because I was trying to talk to him and he was just avoiding me, it was hopeless. I was getting the impression from him that he wanted out though he wouldn't say so directly.

He's now decided he wants to meet up and talk at some point this week ASAP.

Aibu to refuse to meet him until after my op? Bearing in mind it's probably going to be a few weeks after the op before I'm up meeting him to talk about this?

OP posts:

diddl · 07/01/2013 19:45

Well, obviously I don´t know the guy-but he might only want to meet to absolve himself of any bad feeling/try to explain himself.

Why would you feel guilty?

Why would you want him back?

There might only be some practicalities he wants to discuss re house/belongings.

Seems to me he had plenty of time to apologise before you moved out.

KenLeeeeeee · 07/01/2013 19:53

Tell him to get fucked, as impolitely as you can.

I was horrified by your other thread on the matter. He absolutely does not deserve even a moment's consideration from you.

redexpat · 07/01/2013 21:01

How about I want to talk to you too, but I can't do it until after the operation. That gives you time to work out exactly what you want.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 07/01/2013 21:05

oh you lucky lucky thing! i have heard he's one of the nicest people you can meet. i am so

its not ridiculous if thats how you feel... although you have no reason to feel guilty imo. maybe you should take another couple of days to weigh up the pro's and con's and then decide.

has he given any indication at all about why he wants to meet you? maybe ask him what its about first? trouble is, its 50/50 isnt it. he could say what you want to hear and you could start to work things out. if its something you are going to hate hearing then that is going make surgery/recovery even more shitty than it should be.

sorry im not really helping am i? im confused too and its not even my situation

soulresolution · 07/01/2013 21:08

Think your Mum is right hope and she, unlike this man, has your best interests at heart and really cares about you. If he was really trying to make up you wouldn't need to 'let' him - he would be doing everything he could to show how sorry he was.

Blu · 07/01/2013 21:22

So sorry you have all this to cope with.

Personally I would find it very difficult to leave a conversation in abeyance, and would want to get on with talking to him - to hear what he has to say and also to let him know how I was feeling - facing a serious operation for a serious condition. He may be wanting to see if there is an alternative way forward, he may be wanting to try and clear his own guilt in his inadequate reactions in focussing on his future (or not) as a father rather than you at this time. I can't think how hearing what he has to say could be worse than his 'sorry it has to be this way' text, so I'm not sure what more upset he can cause.

If he is all for more blather and can't cope with what is going on with you, you know your Mum is staunch behind you and will support you any way.

Follow your own inclination, instinct and heart - there is no 'should' or 'ought', only what you want.

Original poster

Hopeandbluebells · 10/01/2013 21:26

Thanks so much everyone for your support. I've decided not to meet DP until I'm feeling up to it after the op, as my sister pointed out, all very well meeting him if he's going to apologise and support me but if not its only going to make it worse. So going to focus on next week for now and him later- quite possibly much later I everything I've heard about hysterectomies is true!

OP posts:

flow4 · 10/01/2013 21:28

Good decision, Hope.
Good luck! :)

Sugarice · 10/01/2013 21:42

Good decision to focus on yourself.

Take care of yourself.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 10/01/2013 21:45

Best of luck with everything Hope.

I have heard a couple of very positive stories about hysterectomy recovery in recent years so will be crossing my fingers that yours is another one.

HollaAtMeBaby · 10/01/2013 22:02

oh Hope, I was on your other thread... I think you are right not to meet him. If he wanted to grovel and make amends, he could do so in an email. I think he wants you to tell him he has your blessing to leave, honestly. Surround yourself with people who love you and will support you during the coming weeks.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 10/01/2013 22:46

good for you hope look after yourself... you come first!

i hope it all goes well for you

Original poster

Hopeandbluebells · 10/01/2013 23:28

My sister thinks he wants to discuss selling the house or similar- I'd like to think he's better than that but this whole thing has made me start to wonder if I really know him at all :( but I'm definitely not dealing with it until after the op so in not thinking about it for now!

He really is, inlove, I was completely in awe and he was absolutely lovely :) hope you get to meet him one day!

OP posts:

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