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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to meet with (ex) DP to talk things over until after my operation?

63 replies

Hopeandbluebells · 06/01/2013 21:55

I've posted about the issues DP have been having recently on here before, but a brief history for those who haven't seen my other thread:

I'm due to have a hysterectomy the week after next due to cervical cancer which unfortunately has spread too far for a smaller operation. DP and I were together 8 years and spent the last 6ish TTC, which obviously won't be an option now. DP was absolutely useless after I was diagnosed and obsessed with the fact that it meant he wouldn't be able to have his "own" children with me, long story short I ended up leaving last week and going to stay with my mum because I was trying to talk to him and he was just avoiding me, it was hopeless. I was getting the impression from him that he wanted out though he wouldn't say so directly.

He's now decided he wants to meet up and talk at some point this week ASAP.

Aibu to refuse to meet him until after my op? Bearing in mind it's probably going to be a few weeks after the op before I'm up meeting him to talk about this?

OP posts:

lunar1 · 06/01/2013 22:51

Hope, i read your last thread and was disgusted with the way he has behaved to you. I would ask him to write down his feelings in an email or letter, that way he has to really think about what he wants to say.

if you wanted you could get someone else to read it first and tell you if its full of self serving clap trap.

The only important thing right now is you and your feelings. don't let anyone pressure you, you don't owe him anything. Ill be thinking of you next week.

Shelby2010 · 06/01/2013 22:52

I saw your other thread & I couldn't believe what a complete bastard your (D)P was being. Sadly I don't think he has come to his senses, if he had he would be phoning you saying 'I'm so sorry, please take me back, let me explain etc'. I suspect he wants to officially split up before you are lying sick in hospital and he looks even more of a shit for abandoning you than he does at the moment.

Avoid him & focus your energy on yourself. Hope the operation goes well.

Delayingtactic · 06/01/2013 22:52

I read your other thread and think you're a better person than me by even considering talking to him. Do whatever will make you happy / more contented. Even if he gets on bended knee and begs forgiveness do you think that you could get past this? This isn't to say that you shouldn't take him back if that's what you want, but I think it's worth thinking about whether you could ever forgive and forget.

PepsiCoco · 06/01/2013 22:56

If he has something he needs to say I think he'd have said it by now. Along lines of "I've been a fool. I realise how badly I have treated you. Please meet me to talk" if he hasn't said anything of that nature then I doubt he has changed.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/01/2013 22:56

I read you previous thread and was gobsmacked by his behaviour.

Is there anyone who you trust who he would be willing to talk to as a proxy to talking directly with you? Someone who could 'filter' the message to soften it if it's more twunty crap, or keep him 'on hold' if it isn't? Just so you don't have it dragging on you.

But you must, must, must put yourself first for the moment.

3smellysocks · 06/01/2013 22:58

if he really loves you and wants you back, a few more weeks will make no difference to him. Anyway, it will buy you time to think.

BarredfromhavingStella · 06/01/2013 22:59

Sorry didn't see the other thread.

As for the question in hand, no YANBU & bollocks to this twat, meet him when/if you want to & on your terms.

So sorry you are having to deal with this shit

PatTheDog · 06/01/2013 23:03

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You have other things on your mind at the moment - and your recovery should be his priority too. I'd tell him he'll have to wait until you've recovered from you surgery. I hope your op goes really well and I wish you a full and speedy recovery.

GeordieCherry · 06/01/2013 23:08

Hmm, if he wants to apologise & find a way of continuing as a couple he won't have changed his mind (again) waiting a few weeks

Concentrate on yourself & what will be will be as far as he's concerned

Good luck whatever you decide

storytopper · 06/01/2013 23:11

Hope all goes well with your surgery - that should be your main priority right now.

Can't imagine that your (D)P has anything to say that is going to make you feel any better at the moment - possibly just hoping that he can provoke you into telling him to get lost once and for all. Then he can tell everyone you finished it.

Let him stew - he can keep.

Get well and have lovely life - you deserve it.

StuntGirl · 06/01/2013 23:56

What do you want to do Hope?

DPotter · 07/01/2013 00:59

I saw you're last thread and was also so shocked. I'm with Pepsi on this - if he wanted to say sorry / acknowledge he's been an idiot he would have said so in the request to meet up / sent flowers or something not just requested a meeting next week.

So I think you decide what's best for you and you alone. I hope you have lots of RL support from family & friends and concentrate on your recovery

May09Bump · 07/01/2013 01:29

Sorry you have to go though this - do what you feel is best for your wellbeing, his feelings or wants are irrelevant given his behaviour.

If you want to leave that conversation until you are recovered, I completely understand that. The other option is to get it out of the way asap, then try to focus on the more positive aspects of life - otherwise you might spend your recovery thinking about this meeting. Only you know whether you are likely to do this. It's sort of like drawing a line in the sand and moving on.

Best wishes for your operation and recovery. I hope have some you RL support and I'm sure you will continue to get our support on mn.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 07/01/2013 01:31

thank you hopeandbluebells 'tis true... i love him lots. he's one very sexy man! im glad my nn can put a smile on your face

what do your parents think? do they think its a good idea to talk to him before? tbh i dont know what i would do in your situation. 90% of me is saying leave it till after but the other 10% is pure curiosity.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 07/01/2013 01:34

oops... ignore the parents bit... just noticed you only mentioned your mum. sorry

kickassangel · 07/01/2013 01:41

If he has suddenly realized that he loves you and wants to support you then he could tell you that over the phone then ask to see you face to face. If he does love you then he would also be willing to wait, not insist on it being entirely on his own terms.

Asking to speak to someone but refusing to tell them why is manipulative and selfish. If it's just to talk through his feelings and attempt to exonerate himself then he is incredibly self centered.

Good luck with the operation, it sounds like you're going through a terrible time

TalkativeJim · 07/01/2013 01:45

OP I really feel for you. There really aren't the words to describe this person - I've rarely been so shocked than at your first thread.

I would not meet him, no. As others have said, if it were a case of him 'coming to his senses', this wouldn't be the approach - he'd be on the phone apologising for his behaviour, trying to explain himself, upset and ashamed at his frankly disgusting reaction.

As he isn't, I suspect that were you to meet it might turn into quite an upsetting encounter, and you don't need that right now. Worst case scenario, he may indeed end up provoking some sort of argument so that you end up throwing him out, then he can justify his behaviour to others. Best case scenario, you get treated to a series of whining explanations, all of which simply underline the unpleasant fact that the man you thought so much of has turned out to be a shockingly selfish, cruel, me me me bellend. I certainly don't think there's anything he could really say which could convince you that he had good reason to treat you as he has, so I just think you'd end up massively upset by him. And if he were to turn around now and declare that he'd be there for you, would you want him to be? Would that give you peace of mind, or would you end up hesitantly allowing him to play the loving partner while you go into your op with a new layer of stress to deal with as you wonder whether he'll turn on you again? Right now, I wouldn't let him near partly in order to avoid that situation alone. You are better off relying on your family right now.

In addition, is there any pressing reason to meet him? Of course you will want to at some point, but the fact of the matter is that sadly he has shown so conclusively what kind of a person he is, coming back from it must be nigh on impossible anyway. Several posters have talked about not judging too harshly/giving him a chance to explain - but how? What possible explanation could there be apart from - this is him, and it's not a pretty sight? Something often heard on MN is 'When someone tells you who they are, believe them.' When crunch time came... this is who he has shown himself to be.

I wish you all the strength you need for your op and although I'm sure you will need to meet with him at some point, I hope you are able to ignore him and his selfish cruel behaviour for as long as you need to heal. That is far more important.

flow4 · 07/01/2013 01:49

Hope, I saw your earlier thread. I'm sorry it's going this way. :(

You should do whatever feels right: you need to look after yourself at the mo. Spend your energy on you, not him.

He can wait. If there is anything at all to salvage, he needs to be the kind of man who can wait and understand right now. If he isn't that kind of man, then there's nothing worth salvaging, IYSWIM.

I hope it goes well for you.

Sugarice · 07/01/2013 06:39

Speaking as someone who has recently undergone a hysterectomy I can tell you, you'll be in no fit state for a few weeks for a heart to heart conversation, you'll be exhausted after such surgery.

He has shown his true colours imo but you may feel this chat should be done before your surgery for your own peace of mind.

Put yourself first at all times, think how it affects your state of mind, not his.

Sugarice · 07/01/2013 06:45

Personally I'd tell him to sod off and not meet him, he'd behaved disgracefully, he's not worthy of your time.

Lots of luck with the operation!

diddl · 07/01/2013 06:46

I´d wouldn´t be meeting him at all.

He´s made his stance clear.

He´s neither use nor fucking ornament.

I´d be emailing about who would be moving out when tbh.

Montybojangles · 07/01/2013 07:20

I think he has been an utter selfish wanker from reading your previous thread, but I guess people can react very oddly when their world falls apart. It's terrible that his first focus was how this would effect his life, rather than the fact that it is YOU with cancer and about to undergo massive surgery and treatment.

I don't know if you can or should forgive him, but I think I would probably see him ASAP so that I knew exactly what he is thinking/ if there is any future with him (as you sound like you might still want him to support you possibly). That way it is one worry off your mind over the next few weeks, rather than it looming over you whilst waiting for/recovering from your op.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, it's you and what you want that is important right now. Hope your surgery goes well x

nightowlmostly · 07/01/2013 07:40

I read your other thread and was shocked at how he has treated you, especially considering what you are going through. I think you would be entirely fair to ignore him altogether if that's what you want. If someone can treat you like that when you need them most, they obviously can't be trusted to put you first when it really matters. TBH at the beginning of the other thread I did have some sympathy for him, I thought he was just handling it badly. But when he left to go to his mum's, that vanished!

I wish you all the best with the operation, and with moving forward with your life with or without him xx

NorksAreMessy · 07/01/2013 08:15

YANBU

There ae emails, letters, texts, phone calls, sky writing, flowers, balloons, engraved stone tablets, carrier pigeons, talking parrots, intermediaries, television adverts, cup and string phones, semaphore, the clacks, gossip, and Facebook.
All of these are ways he could communicate with you without you having to see his sorry arse.

You have plenty enough to deal with.

Original poster

Hopeandbluebells · 07/01/2013 19:30

I don't know what I want to do tbh, a part of me does want to meet him but that's because I feel like I'll feel guilty if I don't, is that ridiculous? I dont feel like Im the one who needs to but then i think if he is truin to make it up to me im not exactly letting him. I don't want to throw away a chance to have him back :( my mum doesn't want me to meet him, though she hasn't said it, she doesn't want to influence me I don't think. I still feel so confused at the moment tbh.

I've met him inlovewithdavidtennant he's every bit as lovely in real life as he comes across on screen :)

OP posts:

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