to ask why you 'defriend'

[2013go]

I know IABU and also a little pathetic, I'm not a teenager! And I KNOW that there are really real things in the world to worry about! Genuinely curious about this though... yes, it's facebook related (I know, cringe, sorry!)

The other day I noticed that a couple of people I really like have 'unfriended' me recently- I noticed because I was making some plans for the year and thought they may be interested in joining in a couple of them- they are both adventurous sorts. Not close friends, but good aquaintances. Both have kept mutual friends who they met in similar circumstances.

It hurt! Reminded me of playground days.

Background: I have had some really lonely times in life, eg when I stayed in Uni town and everyone moved away, and I can maybe seem fairly outwardly confident but inside feel socially quite awkward. Have had a shitty last year or so, inc. divorce, and been feeling a little lonely, esp on childless nights, so crappy old facebook has cheered me up a bit.

Anyway, so- they're not that into me, that's fine, their prerogative- but I am really curious about what I have done to deserve a full-on defriending! I have only ever defriended on the basis of racism, extreme benefit bashing and horrible sexist 'jokes'. If a fbook friend annoys me (eg posting all that kind of 'oooh some people really annoy me' kind of stuff) then I ignore it or hide them for a while

I don't think I post too much, too many pics or anything offensive. Sometimes a bit political, but friends share my general views and know that's how I think. Never text speak, ecards, rudeness, or stealth boasts. I do sometimes post 'funny'(to me) things the kids have said.

So, can I ask- why do you defriend? It's a bit... final! and if you defriend but keep mutual friends then that really is saying 'I don't like you' isn't it?!

i think it's needy and weird to keep friends you're not friends with. [self-important]

Whoops.

I was kinda joking at TSC when I took issue with what she said.

I have deleted my Facebook but previously defriended people who were not close friends. I also defriended anyone who posted lots of irritating posts.

The R word = r*tard.

I also culled people who had masses of other friends.....if you already ave 300+ friends I assume you won't miss me!

I suppose I kind of see facebook 'friends' as people I'm happy enough to share stuff with and who I would like a drink and catch up with if I lived nearer them/was in their area/country sometime, OR who I share past events with and still care about in a Christmas card way, OR who were at school with me and now we have things in common, eg young kids, music etc. So it's not an actual day to day life friendship, but I wish them well and like them enough to want to get the odd update.

That's why I don't get the defriending I suppose because as long as I wish someone well or want to be able to maybe randomly catch up with someone in future, I'd keep them. And I think I'd feel honour bound to keep someone from a group where there are mutual friends- or block them (cowardly emoticon)- because I wouldn't want to upset them.

Strangely, some of my close friends in real life have 'facebook' selves that amaze me- eg one who uses 'hun' onscreen but NEVER in real life, another who sigsn everything off with kisses.

I've deleted because of irritating text speak and / or sexist nonsense.

My ex friend regularly used to cull her FB friends and then post "Just had a FB cull - if you can read this, you're one of the lucky ones!" And a lot of grateful, fawning sycophants would then post... I never did, just used to roll my eyes a bit...

only ever defriended one person for a stupid, offensive comment on how much fun it was to drop litter. She is a princess anyway.

quite a few have defriended me; but many of my facebook pals are a long way away living different lives, and may be bored with my chatter. That's their prerogative and I'm not offended.

you do know that if you hide people you drop off their friend lists? that it is essentially the same as defriending? and that even if you unhide them they are no longer on your friend list? .

I'm pretty certain when people talk about hiding friends they mean clicking the hide button on the news feed. Which just hides the status updates, not the person. And definitely doesn't defriend them.

I've just double checked my FB and there are definitely people on my friends list whose status updates have been hidden.

Have they definitely defriended you rather than gone off Facebook altogether?

It may not be anything to do with you personally...

Def defriended LingDi. And wouldn't take it personally, but all mutual friends specifically from the same situations are still there- eg in the small groups been in the pub and out with, been on holiday with, etc. Oh well, it's not the end of the world, but I did like them both- one is very droll and cool and the other has a great sense of humour- would have liked to stay in touch with one, and the other lives round the corner, has dcs same age, etc so I'll have to pass her in the street etc -argh

Oh. Well in that case 'ouch', that would definitely hurt OP. Do you feel you can ask them if you've done or said anything to offend them?

I did think of doing that, (asking if I'd offended them) but:-

• if I haven't and they've just done for all the above reasons then I look super needy
• if I have, I think it must be because of something really weird so they're not who I thought anyway- seriously, I don't stealth boast, use discriminatory terms, play Farmville or any other game, post ecards etc. I don't swear (much) because of my job. (I might speak ill of George Osborne occasionally...)
• and if I have and it's that they just realised they utterly loathed me then I don't think I could take it at the mo!

"my privacy is tantamount therefore you will not be allowed to see my fascinating photos from my kids party"

Guess it depends how you use it really.

I tend to talk about more private areas of my life on there, like my mental health problems. Things that I'm happy for close friends and family to know about, things that I feel I can share with totally anonymous strangers (eg. people who, if they judge me, I never have to deal with again), but not with casual acquaintances/work colleagues/etc. I could adjust security settings for every single thing I put on FB, but I really can't be arsed.

Also if I'm not likely to talk to someone or want to know what they are up to then it seems a bit pointless to have them on FB.

Oh yeah, and I'm not exactly the social extroverted type. So having lots of "friends" doesn't feel right to me.

I knew lots of perfectly nice poeple who I would be happy to chat with but who weren't friends as such,more like acquaintances, and I didn't like the watered down notion of friendship so I deleted everyone who wasn't an actual friend or family. After about a year of that and feeling like a heel I just closed my fb account altogether - I never used it properly anyway. I'm sorry you felt hurt. It may have just been that they thought you wouldn't think it would matter, but I can see your point.

twenty it shouldn't matter, obviously there is a lot more in this world to care about, so I'm cross with myself really for worrying about it. TBH, I only noticed because I had thought 'oh x and y might fancy doing these adventures this year...' and then found they'd done the deed. They were aquaintances really, but nice aquaintances, and up for fun. One of them I met in quite unique circumstances- some travels that I have really happy memories of.
In the scheme of things, my family matters, dcs matter, stuff in the news matters- being defriended doesn't! But having aquaintances is nice, and so I will have to seek out some others to have adventures with .

I too think its a little self-important when people delete others for no specific reason, almost as if they're famous and need to closely guard their privacy!

finding, as I said up thread, I sometimes delete people for this exact reason, to closely guard my privacy. As my post says, it's to protect myself from my abusive ex. He has in the past found out when and where I have been going through very innocent Facebook posts (he's been blocked but found out through those on my friend list) and has turned up there. One time following me home to my flat and finding out where I lived after I had to flee to a woman's refuge and then move to an unknown address to get away from him.

I use fb to keep in touch with family members and close friends as I can't give my phone number out to many people either because of my ex so don't want to delete the whole account.

You don't have to be famous to have to guard your privacy unfortunately.

I defriend

People who post annoying, vague or offensive statuses
People who keep sending me requests for stupid games
People who try to sell me stuff I don't want (I.e, friend who started with Avon and constantly badgered me via FB to buy stuff until I defriended her)
People I don't really know/have accepted friend requests for a specific purpose