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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask why you 'defriend'

103 replies

2013go · 06/01/2013 14:37

I know IABU and also a little pathetic, I'm not a teenager! And I KNOW that there are really real things in the world to worry about! Genuinely curious about this though... yes, it's facebook related (I know, cringe, sorry!)

The other day I noticed that a couple of people I really like have 'unfriended' me recently- I noticed because I was making some plans for the year and thought they may be interested in joining in a couple of them- they are both adventurous sorts. Not close friends, but good aquaintances. Both have kept mutual friends who they met in similar circumstances.

It hurt! Reminded me of playground days.

Background: I have had some really lonely times in life, eg when I stayed in Uni town and everyone moved away, and I can maybe seem fairly outwardly confident but inside feel socially quite awkward. Have had a shitty last year or so, inc. divorce, and been feeling a little lonely, esp on childless nights, so crappy old facebook has cheered me up a bit.

Anyway, so- they're not that into me, that's fine, their prerogative- but I am really curious about what I have done to deserve a full-on defriending! I have only ever defriended on the basis of racism, extreme benefit bashing and horrible sexist 'jokes'. If a fbook friend annoys me (eg posting all that kind of 'oooh some people really annoy me' kind of stuff) then I ignore it or hide them for a while

I don't think I post too much, too many pics or anything offensive. Sometimes a bit political, but friends share my general views and know that's how I think. Never text speak, ecards, rudeness, or stealth boasts. I do sometimes post 'funny'(to me) things the kids have said.

So, can I ask- why do you defriend? It's a bit... final! and if you defriend but keep mutual friends then that really is saying 'I don't like you' isn't it?!

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 06/01/2013 15:11

I defriend people who express offensive, discriminatory opinions, especially if having these on my page would affect my credibility at work. Otherwise I just hide things.

Catchingmockingbirds · 06/01/2013 15:12

And I also defriended a friends fiancé as she constantly posted pictures and sickeningly cheesy posts about her hamsters all the time and the hide function wouldn't work on my phone.

thegreylady · 06/01/2013 15:14

what is the 'r' word?

LaCiccolina · 06/01/2013 15:14

I've stopped working with them - moved all those to linked in only. I really can't abide u any longer. I know u only friended me to be nosy on photos I post.

Or I turn off ur inane posts. Those on excercise regimes get switched off first. I don't care u are doing triathlon for cancer care etc, hearing about ur bloody fantastic bike ride makes me want to pull my nails off with rusty pliers.

DozyDuck · 06/01/2013 15:15

I only have very close friends on fb because of personal stuff I post about and stuff other people write on my statuses (SN children) so I would have deleted you but wouldn't want to not chat to you

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 15:16

I go through mine every now and again and delete people I've not spoken to in ages and who I feel I've lost tough with, or occasionally people who I ended up friends with after one meeting but who I've never seen again (I think there are some people who must race home after anything they attend to find everyone else on facebook! ).

And I defriend people who annoy me with loads of updates about things that irritate - the one that springs to mind was someone constantly tagging me and a hundred other people into updates begging for money for this or that charity.

I wouldn't take it personally. If you're really bothered you could always ask if you've offended them (but that puts them on the spot), or you could just spend another friend request. Sometimes people just get lost in the system - there are people I had as friends while we lived in the same area, lost them, and now we're back as friends as we're back in contact again. It's like your speed dial numbers on a phone.

badguider · 06/01/2013 15:19

I defriend people if i haven't heard from or seen them for ages and am unlikely to ever see them again.. some school people i keep even if i haven't seen them for ages but people i was friends with for a while through a club or shared a weekend or holiday with then never seen again i tidy up.

I don't like having hundreds of people on fb who i don't really know, prefer to keep it to people i actually consider friends rather than just people i once met.

TheSecondComing · 06/01/2013 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 15:21

'I don't tend to delete, I am not that self-important.'

I am massively self-important.

Or possibly just anal about lists?

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 15:21

Just a thought - have they defriended you or have they shut their account?

EmmaBemma · 06/01/2013 15:23

Is deleting self important? I always assume the people I delete don't notice, so distantly acquainted are we. I think of it more as spring cleaning.

zeeboo · 06/01/2013 15:26

I cull every 6 months or so. If I don't see them regularly in real life or have regular meaningful contact via Facebook then I de-friend.
I'm trying to just not add people in the first place but somehow it seems really in your face rude to refuse a request from someone but if 6 months later they've not commented on anything I've said or had anything for me to comment on then I feel it's fair to get rid.
I spend alot of time on FB and am very open in what I say so don't want random lurkers.

Wishfulmakeupping · 06/01/2013 15:27

Usual reasons that they have posted something offensive, constantly on FarmVille etc- recently I defriended someone who was constantly moaning about her health. The reason for me defriended her was I found it quite draining her constantly feeling sorry for herself and minor ailments while a mutual friend of ours is very seriously ill and I think it's a bit thoughtless really IYSWIM

millie30 · 06/01/2013 15:28

I defriended someone the other day for constant sexist jokes. The final straw was one about rape. I also defriended someone who I my Mum didn't like, a casual family friend but it turns out she'd been quite unpleasant to my Mum. So she was gone too! Other than that I often ignore friend requests, I don't understand people who seem to collect friends just for the sake of it. I only have close friends and family on there.

soontobeburns · 06/01/2013 15:30

My best friend from high school wont accept my fb request we where so close for 5 years and did fall out of contact after school due to distance but I would love to catch up and she doesnt want to know. That upsets me especially as I have people who I hated in school on my fb to be nosy

HildaOgden · 06/01/2013 15:30

They could have done a New Years clearout,they could have closed their account,they could have deactivated for the month of January.

You're overthinking it bigtime if you think you have seriously pissed off both of them...at the same time....without having an inkling of what you would have done to warrant that.

Stop overthinking this.It's not doing you any good at all.

Purple2012 · 06/01/2013 15:30

Do you only speak at the school gate in passing or are you actually friends. If you only pass the time of day at the school gate then why worry? As I said, I deleted loads of people I only had a passing hello with. They are not my friends, if they notice then so be it. I have said to a couple of people I am only keeping family and very close friends.

It's great now my new feed isn't clogged up with so much crap.

MurderOfGoths · 06/01/2013 15:35

I defriend if it's someone who I don't know all that well and don't chat to on FB.

So I have some MNers on my FB because I'm involved in the same things as them (eg. LTBT), even though we tend not to chat outside of those interests.

But other than that I only have very close friends and family.

I tend not to accept adds from people who I either only know through a friend of a friend, work, or school. As if I'm not already still in contact with them, then I'm unlikely to want to still be in contact.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 06/01/2013 15:37

yeah, I've only defriended a person due to the 'jokes' posted about child sex abusers.

The rest I would tailor my settings for.

Punkatheart · 06/01/2013 15:37

I am generally lucky with my friends. But I have defriended for:

My OH - for leaving me after 20 years - somehow a friendship wasn't on the cards!

Someone making constant references to me killing/eating my chickens - which are pets.

Someone constantly endorsing energy supplier.

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/01/2013 15:41

I was defriended by someone I considered to be a very close friend. I have no idea why - I don't do Farmville , I didn't tag her in posts, beg for money or clutter up her wall with inanities. She not only defriended me, she blocked me.

I emailed her to ask her why - just a short email - "I was making the cocktail you taught me and was going to tag you, but I see you've defriended me - can I ask why?" She came back with a passive aggressive "We can still be friends in real life!" I said "I found it really quite hurtful." I've had no further contact from, or with, her. The really bizarre thing is that she didn't defriend DH - who only knows her through me! He said "Never mind, at least you don't have all of those nauseating posts to read about how fantasticly intelligent her kids are, how her DD only got a B in her Mandarin, and should she email the teacher to ask what she can do to help raise her grades, how much money her husband earns and what a fabulous life she has."

cardibach · 06/01/2013 15:42

I don;t defriend over farmville etc - I find blocking Farmville more effective! I have only ever defriended when I felt I had lost touch with a person, never for anything else. Then again, I am very picky about who I allow - they are all genuine friends and family, so no chance of them having views I would find disturbing.

Catchingmockingbirds · 06/01/2013 15:42

'I don't tend to delete, I am not that self-important'

And people who do delete are self-important?

Punkatheart · 06/01/2013 15:51

Your OH sounds lovely (and wise) Schad. Entirely her loss!

Findingmyself · 06/01/2013 15:54

I too think its a little self-important when people delete others for no specific reason, almost as if they're famous and need to closely guard their privacy! I also don't like all the political unfriending bollocks.

I have loads of fb friends. I don't 'collect' friends but I don't put anything on my status that's hugely personal, just general lighthearted stuff. I have no problem with lots of people seeing that.

OP, I would send a new friend request to those that have deleted you. They may have deleted you because you never commented on their statuses and photos, or something equally trivial.

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