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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be furious and disgusted with my MiL?

58 replies

debka · 06/01/2013 12:31

We were on a (thankfully rare) visit to PiLs this week, when the news that Jim Davidson had been arrested came on the TV.

MiL declared that it was disgusting that people are being 'judged by todays standards' for things that happened 40 years ago, and that 'things were different then'. I asked if rape was ok 40 years ago as well- apparently no, that's different, but everyone expected to be groped back then, you just gave the groper an elbow in the ribs and told him to push off. (good for her that she felt able to do that!)

She then went on to say that all the victims are just nasty- holding a grudge for 40 years and only just talking about it now. I tried to defend them but just got shouted down by her and FiL, and, scarily, DH. I went to bed shortly afterwards, still pretty shocked.

The next day I couldn't look her in the eye, and 4 days later, I'm still angry and shocked at this. But she's my MiL, we ought to have some kind of relationship, what can I do??

OP posts:

scrumpkin · 06/01/2013 12:33

I'd feel the same as you. I recon there are a few people about that think like that though unfortunately. I had a similar conversation on NYE with a male of our age. Couldn't believe it

NatashaBee · 06/01/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopsInHoops · 06/01/2013 12:34

Are you cross with your DH too? I would be.

FelicityWasSanta · 06/01/2013 12:37

I'd be fuming with MIL. But I could find a way to move on if I knew DH didn't really think like that, that would be a bigger issue to me.

Original poster

debka · 06/01/2013 12:37

He does get a bit steam rollered by his parents, so I have some sympathy. I don't think he has really thought about what he was saying. I think I'm going to have to bring it up though, it's really disturbed me.

That sort of attitude is why it's been kept quiet for all these years.

OP posts:

MrsMelons · 06/01/2013 12:37

I am surprised your DH shouted you down, I would be very upset at that.

I couldn't disagree with your MIL more however it does seem that many of that generation of people have the same attitude ie if they didn't report it then it must be a stretched version of the truth/jumping on the band wagon. Things were different then but the difference was that people weren't encouraged to talk out like they are now especially against 'celebrities'. It is sad that people have to be so nasty about these awful situations - it must be very traumatic for the victims.

My dad has said something similar but I explained why I thought he was wrong and why and don't know whether he understood (or cared) particularly but he hasn't kept on about his opinions as he realised he was offending people.

My XMIL was like this and TBH I was rubbish at not saying stuff back to her when she behaved like this. We had a dreadful relationship and she was a nasty lady, XH never stuck up for me and it ended out relationship eventually (amongst other stuff)

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 12:52

Had this discussion at work a while ago - on the back of a thread here actually - that there are very few women out there that haven't been on the receiving end of a sexual assault/lewd comments.

To a degree I see where you MIL is coming from - if I got my backside pinched, I'd had slapped the blokes face. But I would have been secure in the knowledge that I wouldnt be slapped back and he would have known that being slapped might be a consequence. If I were a teenage girl today, I wouldnt take the risk knowing I'd more than likely be slapped back - BUT teenage boys are much more enightened than they were 30 years ago and unlikely to pinch a girls backside.

She then went on to say that all the victims are just nasty- holding a grudge for 40 years and only just talking about it now.

Obviously she is wrong - he has plenty of 'form' as a wife beater and abuser, not to mention alcoholic - although part of me wonders if some of these people are crawling out of the woodwork are in it for a fast buck. Most of the time he was so pissed he wouldnt remember who he met or who he touched up. No one could prove or disprove you/he were/weren't in a night club at the same time etc.

Jim Davidson is a nasty mysoginist letch. I CBA to go to the police because he got a right mouthful from me at the time. Can't say he's scarred me for life, I just think he's a pig. Actually, I know he's a pig.

However, looking at yesterday through todays eyes and making a rational judgement on social acceptance is a bit iffy

MrsMelons · 06/01/2013 13:01

Holly your post is quite interesting. I remember being 17 on work experience from college and one of the managers was a bit inappropriate ie lewd comments and pinching my bum etc. I told him where to go and he stopped it but he gave me a crappy report for college. I didn't feel scarred for like about it, I could handle it and never considered it a reportable offence worthy of getting him sacked for.

I am not sure I agree with the OTT reports for stuff like I have mentioned above but generally I think men are more aware of what is considered sexual harrassment at work now. My friends 'D'H was sacked for telling someone they smelt nice as she considered it sexual harrassment. TBH he was a lazy fucker and I think it was an excuse on their behalf to get rid of him but it stood up at a tribunal!

The accusations against Jimmy Saville were much more serious but I can understand people having concerns now all these other complaints have come to light. That is not to say I agree with this though as I think they should make complaints if they truly have something to complain about!

simplesusan · 06/01/2013 13:03

Why have you singled out your mil?
I would be having words with your dh. If he has been brought up to believe things like this then he needs another perspective.
Only the other day my dh told me that I had opened his eyes to reality as he had never viewed an issue the way I saw it, due to being brought up by what you might term extremely conventional parents.
This was nothing to do with sexual abuse though, more about the roles of men and women in society.

SarahWarahWoo · 06/01/2013 13:09

Her opinion of a news story that doesn't involve you, her or your family doesn't need to impact your relationship does it? It is her opinion and it is different to yours, so what?

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 13:12

MrsMelson sexual harrasment is indefinable - what you accept by one person you may not accept from another - ditto what is acceptable to one person won't be acceptable to another.

Think I've told this story before. I worked with a bloke, 20 years older than us girls, as we were back then. He was our supervisor and we utterly adored him, he was so lovely but tactile in a non sexual way. If he wanted your attention to look at something on his screen, he used to reach over and tap your wrist, nothing more, nothing less. Absolutely fine, no intent there, but one girl went dipshit and started yelling about him 'maulling' her when he tapped her wrist. Totally OTT. It was jawdroppingly awful.

Then again, we/I accept flirtacious behaviour from some people, other people I/we don't; person B might do/say exactly the same thing as person A but the whole dynamic is different and you get the innerwarning that person B is not to be trusted, thus you don't encourage the behaviour.

Sarraburd · 06/01/2013 13:16

Would be more upset at DH than MIL though I guess she was ringleader which is why you are focusing on her?

Bobyan · 06/01/2013 13:18

Your DH is the problem, after all your not married to your MIL.

diddl · 06/01/2013 13:19

No, the sad thing is that they couldn´t come forward at the time.

Although how much of that is due to attitudes of the time or how much due to people such as JS/JD being protected, I don´t know.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 13:21

I agree it wasn't just your MIL. It also sounds as if she is rationalizing from her own experience - saying this is what she did so why couldn't others. I don't agree with her but I would be angrier with your DH and FIL for joining in.

Can you talk to your DH and see what he thinks? No way should he be shouting you down.

I think if you talk to your DH and get to understand what he thinks and why he shouted at you, you might have a better idea of what to do about your MIL.

BooCanary · 06/01/2013 13:21

I would be more upset with my DH in that situation OP.

My FIL occasionally makes sexist/racist type comments. Nothing horrendous, but certainly very un-PC. I always tell him that I disagree with what he's said, and explain why, but see no point in having a big row as it wouldn't get us anywhere.

However, if my DH were to make similar comments I would be seriously un-impressed, and we would probably end up having a heated debate!

diddl · 06/01/2013 13:24

God, Holly, I would have hated that-I mean the being tapped on the wrist-WTF??

Might not be sexual, but bloody hell, have some respect for people!

OP-disgusting of your husband to shout at you for having a different opinion.

SarahWarahWoo · 06/01/2013 13:24

Her opinion of a news story that doesn't involve you, her or your family doesn't need to impact your relationship does it? It is her opinion and it is different to yours, so what?

pictish · 06/01/2013 13:24

Yes I'm wondering why the mil gets the blame for this, in particular.
The dh and the fil joined in with shouting you down as well OP. Your mil wasn't flying solo.
That's your husband - the man you are married to...behaving like a moron.

But it's mil to be held accountable is it?

Ok then.

pictish · 06/01/2013 13:25

I agree to a certain extent Sarah.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 13:28

I don't agree with sarah.

Some opinions you can agree to differ over, and obviously that's a pretty personal thing. I know I will never agree with my MIL about the need to pray all the time before every event, but it doesn't bother me that she believes this.

But if the OP does care about this issue and feels it's important, she should be able to express her opinion without being shouted at, especially by two people who weren't involved in the argument.

I'd tend to put the MIL's attitude in the same box as gratuitously racist/homophobic comments, personally - yes, it's an 'opinion' but it's hardly something that doesn't involve or affect people outside the specific story she's commenting on.

allthegoodnamesweretaken · 06/01/2013 13:28

If my PILs said something like that I would be avoiding them, if DH said something like that I would be seriously considering making him an ex DH. Previous posters are right, the issue here isn't your mother in law it's your husband.

MrsMelons · 06/01/2013 13:33

Holly yes that makes sense. I guess even something as simple as kissing people hello and goodbye, I would not bat an eyelid if a friends DH did that, we all often do hello/goodbye kisses but if someone at work did that it would be weird and I guess everyone has different levels of what is acceptable.

I do think you should be able to report it whatever it is even if to someone else it wouldn't be an issue but I think that is the biggest difference between now and 40 years ago.

I agree that I would be more angry at DH for his behaviour. You can basically ignore your feelings about MIL but not your DH as you live with him.

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 13:39

diddl - I would have hated that-I mean the being tapped on the wrist-WTF??

High pressure work environment - on the phone, you need someones attention, better then flicking a rubber band at their head [grin}

Squeeks · 06/01/2013 13:41

I'm with Sarah on this one. Why get worked up about something that doesn't impact your life and happened 25 years ago? 25 years ago I was probably running around the park pretending to be a horse

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