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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my MIL to not Make my children stockings?

92 replies

Tertius · 06/01/2013 10:06

I've got two dc (nearly 4 and 1.5) and I love making them a stocking from father Xmas, hanging it up on Xmas eve and watching them open it on Xmas morning.

Last year MIL seemed surprised that I did this and made my children a stocking herself - she does it for her husband and sons and now daughterinlawS and it seems she does it for the grandchildren too. This year we had Xmas at my family so I didn't think I needed t tackle the subject as we were only going to inlaws for a few days after New Year. Low and behold, when we turned up she had stockings for all of us.

It is obviously very kind and generous but I really feel two stockings is not right as it spoils the mystery of the first and also spoils the children with so much.

Would I be unreasonable to ask her not to? (she isn't the kind to speak to me about these things first. Very kind but quite domineering and formidable).

Father Christmas is the one thing I really would loveyo be utterly special and magical for my kids and I feel a second stocking lessens the impact....

I should mention that the stocking opening with the inlaws is very communal and 'an occasion'.

What do you think. I'm getting myself in an overtired tizzy about this. But I hate confrontation! How do I deal with it?

Whadyathink???

OP posts:

mathsconundrum · 06/01/2013 18:14

Agree with poster who said yours xa be the real one and granny's a special extra. Lovely that mil wants to do this but if she has any sense she'll know you're already doing one.

ilikemysleep · 06/01/2013 18:24

I actually think YANB particularly U. We had a similar issue with my MIL, she went totally over the top first few years of ds1 and ds2's first christmas, she would buy a main present that was bigger than what we were buying (the year that springs to mind it was a little tykes cosy coupe) and a santa sack full of presents. It wasn't that they were from Santa - they were clearly from her - it was that she was overstepping the boundaries in terms of quantity of stuff she was buying for them, it was more presents than they were getting from us. We didn't want our kids overmaterialistic or spoiled, they were unwrapping for ages and tossing items aside to move on to the next thing. In the end ds2's first xmas was followed by the boxing day tsunami (2004) and this prompted a conversation about having too much 'stuff' in comparison with those who had lost everything, and dh asked MIL to tone it down a bit, just one larger and one smaller present maximum.

In our case we understood it came from her loving the kids, but it was too much. I think telling her the kids adore the stockings but that you are afraid they will be spoiled from having so many gifts to open, and could she reduce the size a little bit, would be okay.

PleasePudding · 06/01/2013 19:37

I didn't mean over-indulged like a massive portion of ice-cream or turning a blind eye to a tantrum but my in-laws used to let my one year old son drink family sized cartons of apple juice when he was one because he loved the stuff and they loved pleasing him. He would get the shits and that was unfair on him. That kind of thing.

I do want my parents and in-laws to have a great time with my children but not to the actual detriment of their happiness and well-being - that's what I mean by spoiling as opposed to treating or indulging.

As for the 'not their turn' thing. They are grandparents not parents. I don't think their enjoyment should be lessened but surely there are differences in that role. On the plus side they get to hand the children back at the end of the day, on the down side maybe they shouldn't do the stockings without checking with the mother first.

littlemonkeychops · 06/01/2013 20:12

YANBU and some posters are being quite harsh!

My MIL assumed she would be doing our kids a santa stocking every year, DH politely explained that we didn't want our kids to have two stockings as xmas isn't about endless presents (she goes way way overboard with any opprtunity to buy stuff so we knew they would be massive stockings full of "stuff"). I also feel the same as you that i want the joy of doing the from-santa stuff, it's not like PIL haven't had the chance.

To all those who say you're being mean and should just be grateful and not be petty etc - i couldn't disagree more, it is for you and your DH to decide how you raise your children and what traditions you want etc. I know not everyone agrees with this point of view but i'm allowed to have it there isn't one way that everyone has to be.

I know i sound harsh, but i have pretty overbearing Pils and have found the only way to cope is to just politely stick to your guns.

Perhaps if it makes you stressed you should consider having xmas at home and invite family to visit you, then you can have thexmas you would like.

bruffin · 06/01/2013 20:17

We are talking about a talking a stocking at christmas. Its not something they should need permission for.
My mum never asked it was a non issue, nor would i have expected her to. I wouldnt have expected MIL to ask either.

Backtobedlam · 06/01/2013 20:19

I agree totally with the last few posters, finally peopke making sense! It should be the parents choice, as with many other things, if the parents aren't happy with the number/type of presents they are within their rights to say. Children are young for such a short time, why should those few special years not be done the way the parents choose over choices of the GP's.

bruffin · 06/01/2013 20:23

They can be done with both ways. An extra stocking from a gp is not going to take anything from the santa one from parents.

littlemonkeychops · 06/01/2013 20:23

Glad it's not just me Backtlbedlam - a parent is entitled to not care who gets their DC mountains of presents and who they say they are from, just as i am equally entitled to not want my DC to get them (for what i consider justified reasons). I don't judge parents who don't mind so they shouldn't judge me.

hatebeak · 06/01/2013 20:34

YANBU. At all. I completely agree with you about it being your job, the undermining of the "mystery", and the excess of presents. I really don't think you're being petty at all. I'd stop your MIL!

bruffin · 06/01/2013 20:35

We are talking stocking, not mountains of presents, stop exagerating

littlemonkeychops · 06/01/2013 20:41

Bruffin that depends actually....
My MIl turned up with "stockings" for me and DH which were a metre tall bag, each! It took over an hour to open them, ridiculous. Sonot everyone's idea of a stocking is the same. DD's stocking is just that, a felt sock (though welly sized), MIL's idea of a stocking is slightly different!

apostropheuse · 06/01/2013 20:45

YABU for the many reasons already posted.

When we were little we got presents from Santa Claus at home. Then we went to collect my dad's sister and her husband to bring them to our home for Christmas dinner. They had no children of their own, and they absolutely loved children. Every year Santa Claus left presents at their house too - as they had no children of their own he left them for us. We opened the gifts there before heading back in the car to our house.

We loved them very much and we loved this tradition. I have many happy memories of those times. It was wonderful.

Besides, you only seem to be speaking about the stocking, where the little odds and ends go, rather than the main large gifts. They're hardly going to be spoiled by that.

littlemonkeychops · 06/01/2013 20:45

Meant to say that was the first year after we got married, we nicely asked her not to worry again, just a present was fine! So i know what she would turn up with for our DC given half the chance. I know she would love to spoil the GCs with mountains of presents but i don't want my DC spoilt in that way, my choice as a parent (luckily DH agrees so it was easy to sort out). Why should her wish to massively spoil our DC override my wishes as the parent?

bruffin · 06/01/2013 20:46

Op never said it was OTT, just that it was a stocking

littlemonkeychops · 06/01/2013 20:47

Also a lot of the posters who think YABU had a similar set-up when they were little with GPs, but that doesn't mean it's normal for everyone.

Ninetyninepercent · 06/01/2013 21:23

YANBU to feel the way you do. It is only a stocking, but I agree with PleasePudding. My MIL is sometimes a bit like this wanting to do various traditions that are traditionally the parents role. At least to me they are tradtions and to her as well as they were her traditions as a mother - not done by her mother for her own children - advent calendars, stockings, birthday cakes, etc...

Actually its got better as the DC have got a bit older. Some things she does, some things I do. Her heart is totally in the right place - she just is totally smitten and loves buying them presents. So try to remember its done out of love and excitement rather than trying to to overstep the mark.

FWIW I don't think its worth mentioning about no stocking - just have the two. I think you could mention about not an overwhelming amount of presents tactfully.

MarianneM · 06/01/2013 22:37

Poor OP - I'm with you! It is really annoying when doating GPs try to outdo you and/or shower your children with more stuff than they need. I also think it cheapens the value of much-looked-forward-to presents/stockings when there are mountains of the stuff. And two stockings...pointless. I would be very annoyed if the GPs gave my children a second stocking.

My MIL bought our DDs dolls' buggies for Christmas when I had just bought eldest DD a doll's pram - I asked her to return them.

What is really very interesting is the vitriol you have received here! You have been very reasonable and have been called all sorts of names and got passive-aggressive treatment from almost all posters. I think it's to do with most British people feeling the need to shower their children with stuff out of guilt/as a result of effective advertising/peer pressure/keeping up with the Jones' and yet feeling defensive when someone raises the question - do children really need so much?

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