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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my MIL to not Make my children stockings?

92 replies

Tertius · 06/01/2013 10:06

I've got two dc (nearly 4 and 1.5) and I love making them a stocking from father Xmas, hanging it up on Xmas eve and watching them open it on Xmas morning.

Last year MIL seemed surprised that I did this and made my children a stocking herself - she does it for her husband and sons and now daughterinlawS and it seems she does it for the grandchildren too. This year we had Xmas at my family so I didn't think I needed t tackle the subject as we were only going to inlaws for a few days after New Year. Low and behold, when we turned up she had stockings for all of us.

It is obviously very kind and generous but I really feel two stockings is not right as it spoils the mystery of the first and also spoils the children with so much.

Would I be unreasonable to ask her not to? (she isn't the kind to speak to me about these things first. Very kind but quite domineering and formidable).

Father Christmas is the one thing I really would loveyo be utterly special and magical for my kids and I feel a second stocking lessens the impact....

I should mention that the stocking opening with the inlaws is very communal and 'an occasion'.

What do you think. I'm getting myself in an overtired tizzy about this. But I hate confrontation! How do I deal with it?

Whadyathink???

OP posts:

sayithowitis · 06/01/2013 11:38

When I was a child, Father Christmas always 'discovered' some of my presents in his sleigh just as he was passing over my grandparents' house and so, rather than have to come all the way back to our house, he left them in a stocking with my grandparents, for them to pass on to me. Every year, when we visited them in the few days after Christmas, I would be led up the stairs to their back bedroom to find the stocking hanging on the bedpost. And then we would sit on the bed and I would open my stocking presents. It was a truly magical thing. And whilst I loved ( and still love) Christmas, even now, over 40 years later, that is one of my favourite childhood memories of Christmas. In fact, I am hoping that I will be able to repeat the tradition when I have my own grandchildren. I just hope that my future DILs will see it as part of the grandparent/grandchild relationship rather than anyone trying to out do them.

Even though our Dcs are adults, we all still have stockings here and like someone else upthread, we did tentatively suggest that we might stop stockings a couple of years ago, but DCs were adamant that we should continue them. It is one of our family traditions and we would expect to include DIls and DGC in that as well, after all, they would be family too!

So yes, sorry, I do think YABU.

thebody · 06/01/2013 11:41

Your mil sounds a completely normal and loving gran.

You sound hard work.

ebersneezer · 06/01/2013 11:44

Sayithowitis.

It's great you have such brilliant memories and there's nothing wrong with wanting to pass on the tradition. Please remember to ask Son and DIL first and don't be put out if they think it sounds like madness

shellshock7 · 06/01/2013 11:49

sayithowitis that will be lovely if your DS and DIL agree, but you should ask first!

CheungFun · 06/01/2013 11:50

I'd let her get on with doing a second stocking to be honest. I think you're more likely to cause unneccessary upset by bringing it up.

sameoldlovebunny · 06/01/2013 13:27

i wish people would stop lying to their children about father christmas? please! then you can stop having such anguish.

how mean-spirited you are, o p, to want to stop a grandma who has stockings for the rest of the family from having stockings for her grandchildren. you win the award for nasty-mum of the year and its only a week into january. the grandma likes doing stockings, the children like presents - get over yourself, because you are being very unreasonable.

Backtobedlam · 06/01/2013 13:41

Nasty mum of the year is extremely harsh to the OP! Yes the children like presents...they also like chocolate, and fizzy drinks and staying up all night...doesn't make it good for them or the right thing to do. Children need love, guidance, support and boundaries, not just being given heaps of presents to show how loved they are, there are so many other ways to show you love a child. Perhaps if more GP's supported the parents and worked together instead of trying to outdo and compete, everyone (namely children involved) would be happier and more well adjusted.

YouOldSlag · 06/01/2013 13:44

YABU. It's a nice gesture. Accept it as so. She's not replacing yours, or making them open both at the same time, so unclench. You have about 11 months to stop worrying about this.

Can I also add that GPs have a shorter expected lifespan than you and any moments shared with their grandchildren will be cherished memories towards the end of their life. Her feelings will be hurt over something that's just not worth it.

Our kids get spoiled by grandparents at Christmas but the only way they would end up as spoilt brats is if we let them. The rest of the year they have rules and have to earn pocket money and say thank you and be respectful. Having loads of giant toys off GPs does not undo our year round work in this respect.

bruffin · 06/01/2013 13:52

Who says the gp are trying to outdo the parents. Whats wrong with them spoiling gc, with chocolate or fizzy drinks occassionally.
My mum has a very special place in all her gc hearts. She worked full time when we were little and didnt have the time to just spend time having fun with little ones.
Now is her time for her to have fun with little children without the responsibility of having to feed and clothe and bring them up. Now they are all grown or nearly grown, they all love her to bits.
Having a granny stocking didnt spoil the magic of xmas just gave them something extra to look forward to and she is banned from stopping them.

DonderandBlitzen · 06/01/2013 13:58

If she was insisting on doing the one from santa on Xmas morning in place of what you were doing I wouldn't like that, but one at a family gathering can just be separate from what santa gives so is fine.

CaHoHoHootz · 06/01/2013 13:58

Hi OP.

I bet you haven't really signed off

FWIW YABU. Your MIL is trying to be nice o your DC's, let her, and them enjoy it.

YouOldSlag · 06/01/2013 13:59

Exactly bruffin.

ihearsounds · 06/01/2013 14:01

So they get an extra stocking once a year, and this will make them materially spoilt?
You need to get a grip.
Grand parents like to get things for the gc at Christmas, oh and birthdays. This will not turn them into spoilt, entitled brats. No that comes from the pandering to the dc's every whim, and buying them everything and anything on a very regular basis.

But if it really is a big deal for you. This year and subsequent years, don't do a FC stocking, do something else. Doesn't have to be a stocking involved. Can be anything that you can stuff things into. Or make a big deal out of it, and then your dc's are wondering what they have done wrong when everyone else has a stocking from the gp's.

MrsMushroom · 06/01/2013 14:01

I totally get what OP is saying...however, she must learn to share the joy of her DC too.

I am a bit like OP when it comes to this kind of thing precious but I also understand that Granny's get some chances to enjoy the DC and early on, someone said that the Gran's stocking is a special "Granny stocking" for after Christmas and the DC wont question the magic of their own on Christmas eve.

Backtobedlam · 06/01/2013 14:03

I just think that perhaps if GP's want to have fun and create special memories it should be more about days out, time spent playing or reading together, not heaping them with presents/chocolates/sweets etc. Also where does it end-many children have more than one set of grandparents, plus aunts, uncles, friends. If everyone gives them chocolates, fizzy drinks, sweets, stockings, its not an occasional treat, it becomes expected and takes some of the pleasure away for parents.

prettyfly1 · 06/01/2013 14:04

YABU and very petty. My childrens paternal grandmother got them nothing. Not even a card.

Pozzled · 06/01/2013 14:09

My MIL does this too, and my DDs are a similar age- 4 and 18 months. I think it's a lovely idea. My eldest understands perfectly well that Father Christmas brings the 'real' stocking gifts on Christmas Eve, but Grandma and Grandad also bring her little gifts in a stocking. I really like it because it's fun for me to see what's inside as well.

So IMO it's a really, thoughtful caring thing to do, and I imagine it would be very hurtful if you asked her to stop.

pleasethanks · 06/01/2013 14:11

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time OP and naturally someone had to trot out the old line about wishing their MIL was still here. Happens nearly everytime on a PIL/GP thread.

Anyway, I would be irritated if my MIL was surprised that I made up stocking for my DC! Why on earth would she assume it was her job! I think the best thing to do is just reassure the children that stockings you do are santa stockings and the stocking they get from Granny are just that!

I really do think you are getting a hard time. I started a thread on here about whether I was BU about how spoilt DD was by her GPs at Christmas - I got full support at that time, but I suspect if I had posted it today I would have met the same hostile response as you. Luck of the draw sometimes!

Notquitegrownup · 06/01/2013 14:16

Wow - harsh responses! Like you, OP, we never spent Christmas at home when our dcs were small, as we travelled to grandparents, and enjoyed family time together, but had to learn to put my preferences on hold, and do it their way in their home.

Really surprised at the strength of some of these responses. Of course you can't undermine your mil yet and announce that her stockings are not from Santa if that is what she is telling everyone! However, grin and bear it and find a way to give your stocking to your dc when you can have a special time together. It will still be special.

(Christmas has got easier now that the kids are a bit bigger, btw. We now wake up in our own home, and travel on Christmas Day, when the roads are really quiet, and join the family in time for tea. Our gps are kind enough to do Christmas lunch for all of the family on Boxing Day, and we all get a bit of space for ourselves too.)

bruffin · 06/01/2013 14:47

Backtobedlam
They can do both you know, its not presents or a day out. It can be both, if of course they are allowed to.
I got up on xmas day to find ds 17 and dm having their usually rummy game. This has been a long ongoing fiercly contested battle for a few years now. Dc then opened their granny box/stocking full of chocolate and nicknacks.

ComposHat · 06/01/2013 14:54

Petty, petty, petty

And you are worried about this in January?

PleasePudding · 06/01/2013 17:06

I disagree with most people, I think YANBU.

Yes, my in-laws are fundamentally nice, yes my children are lucky they're loved and we're lucky they are alive etc. But that doesn't mean that my gratitude for those things prevents me finding them bloody annoying sometimes. They had their children, it's now their turn to be a grandparent and not a parent, parents traditionally do the stockings so if they want to do it to it would be a courtesy to ask the OP. Although I do see that if everyone else gets a stocking they can't leave the children out or atop their traditions.

My in-laws say they want to spoil my children. I don't get it - why? Treat them by all means but letting them get away with stuff and over-indulging them to avoid having to say no is just unfair on the children.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant.

YouOldSlag · 06/01/2013 17:19

My parents worked bloody hard to bring me up. I get genuine pleasure from seeing them enjoy my children and wouldn't dream of micromanaging the lovely things they do for them.

It's the least I can do in return for all they did for me. I don't get this "they've had their turn" argument.

bruffin · 06/01/2013 17:52

I don't get this "they've had their turn" argument.

I dont get that mentality either.

Treat them by all means but letting them get away with stuff and over-indulging them to avoid having to say no is just unfair on the children.

There is nothing wrong with being overindulged by someone who loves you once in a while. I just cannot see it as being unfair on a child.

Onezerozero · 06/01/2013 18:07

Agree with the general consensus that you are bring bit miserable.

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