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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my children to like their father..

25 replies

driedapricots · 05/01/2013 18:35

ok so he works long hours in the week but hes here every weekend..loving, fun etc etc..yet they refuse to let him do anything for them..ds 2.5 currently going nuts as he tries to Bath him..Dd about to Kick off as Im going to gym for once in my bloody life in a bit too...Ggrr...feel so claustrophobic sometimes...

OP posts:

ILoveTIFFANY · 05/01/2013 18:36

Yabu... They are young... Give them some time!! They barely see him

Startail · 05/01/2013 18:38

Out, get yourself to the gym.

They will be OK, chances are fuss will last only until you are out of earshot.

AgathaTrunchbull · 05/01/2013 19:13

This brings back memories. My dad worked very long hours when I was a child (still does) and I resented him trying to do anything that I interpreted as imposing his authority when he was at home. I sat and counted the minutes (literally - I wrote out a tick sheet) when my mum was out in the evening. I've spent quite a lot of time analysing my relationship with my dad and I think it comes down to not being able to see him as an equal parent when I was very young. Sorry, this probably isn't reassuring!

You definitely need to look out for yourself and go out. Kids definitely need to get used to dealing with you not being there and develop their own relationship with their father. As said previously, they are very young.

Babymamaroon · 05/01/2013 19:34

Go and enjoy your gym session. Kids will no doubt be perfectly happy te moment they know mummy is gone.

LindyHemming · 05/01/2013 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

driedapricots · 05/01/2013 19:52

well what a disaster..they both screamed, i wanted to come back from the hallway & Kiss them goodbye, dh said that made it worse & the row that was brewing between us all day finally erupted..i Think we are both so stressed anticipating these episodes that theres an undercurrent in the preceeding hours..so, guess What? we argued in front of dc..something i hate doing as clearly makes the dc more anxious & he has stormed out calling me a martyr as i changed my mind & didnt want to go in the end..Ffs..its not like i want to leave the house on a rainy sat night to exercise anyway, let alone when children screaming & sobbing for me..hardly motivating! the last time i went ds sobbed for 40 mins apparently..sooo..decided will fit my gym in @ other times & am now here stewing waiting for dh to come back & most likely sit in silence all night. great.

OP posts:

Twattybollocks · 05/01/2013 20:01

Toddler mentality, same=good different=bad
Most young children react like this when a familiar routine is changed, especially the bedtime routine when they are tired and crankier than normal.
Next time have dh read them a story to distract them rather than a tearful goodbye, my dd is 6 and will still carry on and hang on to my leg if I go out at bedtime and leave her with dh, even though dh is here every single evening and gets them ready for bed 50% of the time! Funnily enough if there's a barbie movie on the tv when I leave she barely registers me saying goodbye!

Graceparkhill · 05/01/2013 20:11

I had same issue with DS1 ( now 20 and healthily indifferent to my presence) and we were determined to prevent with DS2 ( now 13 and also happy with either/ neither of us)

What worked for us was taking the heat and drama out of the situation.

I think you need to trust your DH to look after the children and just go without drama or good bye kisses. Your are only going to the gym not Afghanistan.
It is good for you to have time to yourself and it is good for your DCs to spend time with Dad.

Original poster

driedapricots · 05/01/2013 20:22

thankyou Grace..that has cheered me up..v true, its the gym not Afghanistan! (excuse flippancy but feels like Afghanistan here sometimes!)

OP posts:

HappySeven · 05/01/2013 20:23

My 2.5 year old DD always wants the parent who looks least interested/most unavailable. I think it's like cats being drawn to those who don't want them. I'd head to the gym and enjoy it, the children are bound to be fine when you're out of sight (I know mine are).

Shelby2010 · 05/01/2013 20:24

I can see that it is hard for you, but it must be worse for DH that he ends up with his kids acting like he's some kind of monster!

Use the time while he's out to work out a plan, so you can discuss the situation calmly. I think you do need to address it, as it's not good for any of you. Decide on the aim, ie DH being able to do bath & bed whether you are there or not, & then work on the steps to get there. For example, if the DC are used to you doing the bath, start by both doing it together. Next time, leave DH with the DC in the bath while you wander off to get their pj's ready etc but come back to help get them out & dry. Let DH read the bedtime story while you stay & listen. It shouldn't take long for the DC to get in the habit of expecting DH to be involved in their routine if he is at home. The disadvantage for DH is that he WILL have to be more involved - not just when you are going out!

Eeebygum · 05/01/2013 20:27

I echo what everyone else as said.

Just to add, I don't think you are helping matters at all. They will now think know that all they need to do is play up and mummy will stay/they get what they want.

It will be hard for a bit, as it is a change in their routine for them. But, it isn't a bad change and if you trust their dad to look after them, you should leave and go to the gym/pub/friends house and give him a chance.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 05/01/2013 20:28

You need to go out more, not less. Go out for a coffee or to visit a friend or whatever - they need to get used to you not being available all the time. Also you need to get them to go to Daddy for things when you are both there too 'I can't do that DD ask Daddy' 'I'll do it later I'm 'xxing' now, ask Daddy' and you ask 'Daddy' to do things too -make them realise he's there, he's just as good as you and you are not the default. Make sure he's bathing them and putting them to bed when he's home, making tea for them, putting their coats on etc - don't be the default parent while he does other stuff.

shesariver · 05/01/2013 20:31

They are not going to get used to being looked after by their Dad and not you unless you actually let him, no matter how upset you think they are. I work full time and my DH was a SAHD and so experienced this from your DHs point of view - and it was horrible. But we persevered and now DS3 is a bit older its much better.

Mumsyblouse · 05/01/2013 20:44

I have been both the most and least popular parent, it is hard from both sides. I would leave with a minimum of fuss, perhaps even sneak out quietly, and if they say 'want mummy, want mummy' be very very firm and repeat, 'no, daddy is doing bedtime'. You have to remember that around this age they start playing you off against each other, make sure that doesn't happen and make sure daddy has defined roles as well, so perhaps he does all weekend bedtimes and remove yourself entirely if they start to kick off (even from the house).

It's not easy but it does pass!

WidowWadman · 05/01/2013 20:46

dried tbh I can understand your husband being angry - changing plans to stay in is a massive vote of no confidence.

Mumsyblouse · 05/01/2013 20:49

I also agree you should have left and let them get on with it, without the kisses, even if you just sat in the car for half an hour. If you continue to be the indespensible parent, who always stays if the children scream, your husband won't get the chance to be in charge and you will indeed continue to martyr yourself. I would talk calmly with your husband tomorrow, say you were sorry you didn't go, and that you will do so next time to set up better habits.

MrsTomHardy · 05/01/2013 20:53

I feel sorry for your DH too.
You need to go out more and not let your DC dictate what you do.

Morloth · 05/01/2013 20:55

Don't get pushed around by toddlers.

Just get up and go. DH works all week as well but the kids see him as an equal parent because WE see him as an equal parent.

Sometimes DS2 will still have a whinge if I am going out without him, tough luck, you can't always get what you want.

In your DH's shoes I probably would have stormed out as well.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 05/01/2013 21:01

I don't think you should get a hard time, but you really do need to get out more, without making a big deal of it.

If you were going somewhere you really needed to be then you would have rationalised it and left them no matter how much they were playing up.

I do have sympathy - DD could be like this but she has turned out fine. DH is currently the favourite parent and I have to beg her to be allowed to put her to bed :)

diddl · 05/01/2013 21:09

What´s this-"they refuse to let him do anything for him"?

How does that work then?

diddl · 05/01/2013 21:09

for them, sorry

Original poster

driedapricots · 05/01/2013 21:33

Yep you're all right..cant be ruled by toddlers..& indeed i do go out at other times no probs...tonight was just a combination of factors that led to disaster...still fuming with dh for letting rip in front of kids tho!!

OP posts:

diddl · 05/01/2013 21:42

As I was at home all day with them, the children always looked forward to Daddy coming home.

Would look out of the window for him, both run to him, & follow him around until bedtime!

I always encouraged it & made it sound as though anything done with Daddy would be more fun

breatheslowly · 05/01/2013 21:53

DD is going through a stage of refusing to let DH take her to bed if I am there and wanting to sit on my lap rather than his. However I go out 2 evenings a week and she barely notices that I am going and happily lets him put her to bed on those evenings. On the occassions that my parents babysit she has a good cry as we leave but I am reliably informed that she stops 20 seconds after we have left. So the best thing to do is ignore it and go on out. I am tempted to pretend to go out on other evenings so that I don't have to do bedtime whenever I am there, but actually sometimes DH takes DD to bed when I am there and the cries of 'Mummy' don't last that long (she did puke over him once, but maybe she was ill rather than just crying so hard she made herself ill).

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