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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'My kids never screamed like that' - old bag says loudly at the supermarket checkout...

334 replies

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 05/01/2013 18:14

about my DS (2). He is a screamer and it drives me nuts. Not when it's just me and him but when my older DSs are anywhere near him - he wants what they've got, wants to do what they're doing. He's trying to dominate, it's the pack mentality!

He screamed around Tescos as he was in the trolley and he wanted to put the food in the trolley. He screamed at the checkout as he wanted OUT! Cue santimonious, smug middle aged woman making the above comment very loudly. I don't want him to scream either but short of putting a sock in it, what can I do? I should have asked her what her secret was but I just glared.

Really unnecessary comment that only made me feel more shit and stressed and angry.

BREATHE!!!!

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 05/01/2013 22:54

Do you actually know the ages of all the posters on this thread LadyBeagleEyes?

Greensleeves · 05/01/2013 22:55

...I mean, you're not making assumptions about me, are you? Shock

ilovesooty · 05/01/2013 22:55

Same as you can be a foul fucker and be 20 or 80

You referred to the woman as a foul old fucker.

apostropheuse · 05/01/2013 22:55

Yes ladybeagles and some of us even have grandchildren who are babies and young children. We even sometimes look after them too.

Veritate · 05/01/2013 22:55

I think we are entitled to be called sour faced old biddies if we are being sour faced and judgmental about other people's parenting, particularly given that as parents ourselves we should be aware of the sort of stress someone is already feeling when their child is screaming in a supermarket. And I too write as an old biddy.

Greensleeves · 05/01/2013 22:58

At 80 if you are a foul fucker you are an old foul fucker!

And LBE having "been there, done that" buys you precisely nothing in terms of respect or presumption of superiority. Lots of people have "been there, done that" and made a right fucking pig's ear of it.

You're making yourself sound like an old bag now...

mrscumberbatch · 05/01/2013 23:03

ilovesooty, does it honestly matter to anybody? Really. Hmm

In any case, if I wished to call anyone a foul old fucker, I am well within my right to. Unless it's undeserved, then I'm the foul fucker of indeterminate age.

FWIW: Being a sour faced old hag/ foul old fucker is for everyone.

tinkertitonk · 05/01/2013 23:05

Greensleeves, maybe the woman who commented didn't think that the OP was doing her best? Given the unpleasant attitude that the OP has displayed, she (the commenter) might have had a point.

LadyBeagleEyes · 05/01/2013 23:05

What a load of crap.
An old bag is as it says, always has been, always will be.
My teenage son has friends that I don't care for, I know young mums I don't like.
I don't call them old bags or foul old fuckers.
And nor to any of you that are defending the expression.
What a load of defensive nonsense.

Greensleeves · 05/01/2013 23:07

In what possible interpretation could "my kids never screamed like that" have been anything other than a sanctimonious and unhelpful remark?

Saying OP might not herself be the patron saint of motherhood in no way dilutes the unpleasantness of the old bag's behaviour. Confused

Greensleeves · 05/01/2013 23:09

I don't call young people old bags either Confused

I use other, age-appropriate insults (usually in my head)

But since you've clearly abandoned all pretence at reasoned argument, I won't bother to elucidate again.

mrscumberbatch · 05/01/2013 23:09

Ladybeagle, you need to meet my sister.

I love her, but she is a proper old bag. At 21.

Pearl clutching, doily toting and underskirt wearing.

I'm not defending the expression, as it's meant to be offensive. But it's fair enough to explain it's usage.

tinkertitonk- didn't realise that we all had to be at our best at all times. Stepford Wives much?

ponchopink · 05/01/2013 23:12

I just checked and was surprised that the post actually wasn't made by Greensleeves! Sadly most of us are less tolerant after passing various stages by, pregnancy boring, coffee with babies pointless screaming kids get them.away from me. Its just how it goes when your life moves on. Now I find it irritating when kids are running around in a cafe, a few years ago I would have looked at them fondly. I would still offer to help though. But honestly when you hear a child screaming its head off in the distance in a supermarket , I think just abandon the trip and very quietly to myself oh please shut up! There have been occasions when there's a commotion and its a child with SN and then I just think how lucky I am that's not me and I don't think anything other than that.

ilovesooty · 05/01/2013 23:12

I'm not denying that the woman's comment was sanctimonious and unhelpful. For what seems like about the 20th time: I am not judging anyone's parenting or suggesting anyone else should do so.

But yes, the ageism matters to me and I think the OP and those who defend those comments (when they relate to age rather than purely to behaviour) are ageist.

LifeofPo · 05/01/2013 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greensleeves · 05/01/2013 23:15

I think ageism is slightly different. I don't see someone, note their age and think, "Oh, she'll be an old bag", or (as is shockingly common) see a teenage boy and think "He'll be ignorant and selfish and possibly violent"

but if an old person is rude and judgemental to me in a way which is characteristic of older rather than younger rude people - eg making comments about a young parent's parenting because (like LBE) they assume that their opinions are more valid because they are older... yep,l that's an old bag.

mrscumberbatch · 05/01/2013 23:20

If it offends you THAT much, i lovesooty, I will recall my original insult posted towards the OP's irritating nemesis.... and she shall now just be " A Fucker".

LadyBeagleEyes · 05/01/2013 23:21

I was never a young parent Greensleeves.
I was living abroad, working in a topless bar in Amsterdam doing a ridiculous amount of drugs.
Not proud of it, but just trying to point out that old bagism is as far from me as you'll ever get.

Greensleeves · 05/01/2013 23:23

What is the relevance of your age when you had your children? I don't need your life story. And you know bugger all about me Confused

Saying "been there and done that" is just odious and arrogant though. And there is no evidence that having "been there and done that" means having done a half-decent job of it. Presupposing that seniority confers superiority is a straight road to old baggery.

ilovesooty · 05/01/2013 23:24

Fine, mrsc Smile

tinkertitonk · 05/01/2013 23:24

Greensleeves, you have only heard one side of the story. That makes it possible to construct many scenarios where the comment was reasonable and unsanctimonious.

Mrscumberbatch, why not do our best? It's something we all owe to the rest of the world.

mrscumberbatch · 05/01/2013 23:24

Ageism is discriminating on account of a person's age.

Calling somebody an 'Old bag' because they are being an 'Old bag' isn't ageism- it's descriptive.

Calling somebody a 'Young upstart' doesn't necessitate that they are actually 'Young'. (Whatever 'Young' means in this day and age where childhood can last up to your 20s and middle age is anywhere between 30 and 65 depending on who you speak to.)

Greensleeves · 05/01/2013 23:26

Well go on then, construct a plausible scenario using the information we do have, culminating in the old lady saying "my kids never screamed like that", in which the comment is reasonable and helpful.

ilovesooty · 05/01/2013 23:26

No, I don't think you can construct a scenario where it's reasonable to judge someone else's parenting out loud by comparing it to yours, tinkertonk

mrscumberbatch · 05/01/2013 23:29

tinkertitonk. Holy fuck.

I would like to speak to the majority of women that I know here serious note

I try bloody hard, at life, in general.

Sometimes, especially with children, you can try as hard as you want- but it's still going to look shite to every passer by.

Do not put the Stepford Wives evil upon me. If you can honestly say that your children have never stepped a foot out of line, had a tantrum in a supermarket or pinched a tea-strainer from ikea- then fair enough.... But God Help Me..... a Parent's best is never going to be enough for everybody.

PS: (Unless you're not actually to do the best by your children- then you're just a bit of a wank.)

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