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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants a lie in while we have guests over.

148 replies

Empross76 · 04/01/2013 23:54

A friend if mine, her husband and children are popping over tomorrow morning for a cuppa, catch up and to exchange Xmas pressies for the kids. Just for an hour or so.
My husband has told me he will stay in bed and have a lie in while this happens.
He is not very sociable and never instigates social situations, although he is very witty, entertaining and fun in these situations, and has friends.
He just doesn't see why he should lose the chance for a lie in cos of 'my' visitors.
I disagree - I think if a family pops in to see us then we should host as a family. I will be beyond embarrassed having to make up a white lie about him having a headache or something to keep him in bed.
I think he's being selfish and childish. What do you think? AIBU?!!!!

OP posts:
ifancyashandy · 05/01/2013 08:05

Still in bed here - pure idleness! Except I'm about to head off for a run, when I drag self out of bed!

And I would be livid if someone arranged for me to be socialable before midday on a Saturday. Maybe 11 at the earliest. But 10am with no prior discussion? I'd not be happy.

Snog · 05/01/2013 08:26

I would be fine for my dp to stay in bed if he chose to, and wouldn't feel obliged to make an appearance for his friends either. Being a couple doesn't have to mean doing everything together

Apologies to Holly for the time of my emergence from bed this morning. 8.20am!!! Dp is still snoring next to me and dd still asleep. I could have done a couple of hours of housework by now. What is it that you do at this time at the weekends holly, and when do you go to bed?

MardyArsedMidlander · 05/01/2013 09:34

I get up early every morning, as in out of bed. But the idea of being up, sociable, dressed with a tidy house at 10 in the morning? jeez, I can barely manage that at work and I get paid for that Shock

ifancyashandy · 05/01/2013 10:01

Back from run, showered, face on, rollers in! About to get dressed and I've put a load of washing on (& I've just put a load away ). But I still wouldn't want visitors / to visit anyone for about another hour. Much coffee needs to be consumed first.

LoopsInHoops · 05/01/2013 10:13

Roller, ifancy? Do you heat them?

yfuwchhapus · 05/01/2013 10:15

Did he get up then?

Original poster
Empross76 · 05/01/2013 11:39

Morning!
To answer a few queries, can't remember who from:
The friends moved away from our town so are back visiting for the weekend - 10 was the time that suited them in amongst their other plans.
The plans weren't entirely made without consultation with DH - he knew I was arranging to see them, but I didn't specifically say I'd like him to be present for be visit. I'd just hoped he would, despite past form.
So... they came, he slept. Had a lovely time seeing them so his non-appearance didn't spoil anything and it wasn't even mentioned.
But I can't help but feel annoyed with him.
We had plans to take DD out straight afterwards, so 11ish. He wanted to come. No alarm set and he's still not surfaced, so now I'm pissed off about that! It really seems that sleep comes before everything sometimes!
As it turns out, my DD doesn't want to go out and is happy staying home today. Shame - I'd have liked to have made a point by leaving sleeping DH at home and taking her out myself, and maybe sending him a snotty text about it!
Thanks for all the posts and opinions, really nice response on my first proper MN thread.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 05/01/2013 11:44

This, that Coola said : ^Part of me thinks that if you don't discuss a visit, or at the very least the timings thereof, you can't really complain when the other person opts out.

So many people are saying that the OPs DH is being rude - but is it not also rude to make arrangements, that you expect someone else to attend - without consultation, and insist that they be social on command with your friend, her husband and their kids,even though they had planned to do something else?^

BackforGood · 05/01/2013 11:44

x posted!

PureQuintessence · 05/01/2013 11:45

To be honest, if they cant fit you in other than 10 am on a Sunday morning, they might as well not bother - clearly too busy with more important friends and family.

First of all: Your dh is right to stay in bed, he is showing them (the "guests" ) the same courtesy as they are showing you. No need to pop in, and no need for presents really, if that is the only time slot they can bestow upon you.

Secondly, if my dh arranged for visitors to come at 10 am on a Sunday morning, I too would blatantly either stay in bed, or be gone to 9.30 am mass!!

HullyEastergully · 05/01/2013 11:48

rude rude rude rude

he is just plain rude, and what a great e.g. for the kids: put yourself first and fuck everyone elsre

BadLad · 05/01/2013 11:49

You were both being a bit unreasonable, I would say.

Original poster
Empross76 · 05/01/2013 11:51

Pure - totally disagree. My friend is great. They always make the effort to see us when they are back in our town seeing their family, and I'm really glad they do. Don't think they're rude at all.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 05/01/2013 11:56

Also, Quint...it's Saturday.

Snog · 05/01/2013 16:01

Visiting at 10am is not even remotely unreasonable in my book.
6am would be though

ilovesooty · 05/01/2013 16:18

I've been a lot happier since I realised that I don't have to do everything other people expect of me

I couldn't agree more. The OP's husband wasn't involved in the invitation, wasn't consulted and the visitors aren't friends of his. I don't think there should be any expectation on him to play host if he didn't want to.

A great amount of worry and angst comes from monitoring what other people think, managing others' expectations, and trying to make a good impression while expecting others to buy into that.

I think the OP's husband's attitude to the care of the children is a totally different issue.

5madthings · 05/01/2013 16:28

Yanbu he is being rude and 10 is not early and i not a morning person and love lie ins but if dp arranged for someone to visit i would bloody well get up.

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2013 16:33

He either wants to be part of a family and do 'family' things, or he doesn't.

It appears that he doesn't.

YANBU OP, I think he was rude (and lazy as far as the rest of the day went)

AgentZigzag · 05/01/2013 16:37

MN (and this thread) just show how it's a fact that everyone's levels of what's acceptable behaviour varies enormously, it just squashes the person you are/who you're comfortable being if you try to fit in with all these random rules and keep everyone else happy.

Not to mention needy and someone constantly seeking approval.

Of course there are levels of being rude and a lot of things are black and white, but I know a couple where one of them has very definite rules about what's right and wrong, and the other either fits in or has to endure endless tantrums and sulking (not saying that's what you do OP Grin), it's very controlling and not nice to watch.

And who says the one who thinks they have the benchmarks of ultimate politeness is right anyway?

Coming down when your friends were there to tell you all to STFU talk a bit quieter because he was trying to kip would have been rude, keeping out of the way because it's not his thing and leaving you to get on with enjoying being with your friends was not.

Glad you had a good time though OP Smile

Original poster
Empross76 · 05/01/2013 16:47

I still think he was rude and wouldn't have done as he did, but wise words, Zig Zag.

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 05/01/2013 16:47

Hosting my partners friends is not being part of my family, doing the things that need to be done, spending time with the family etc. are. Hosting other peoples friends is a real chore, and it's not one that needs an effort made.

Equally there's nothing wrong with the 10am visit offer from the friends, nor accepting one for then, but the visitors are not a family chore that needs to be done, it's the responsibility of the one who invited to host them - and for the other to either get out of the way, or co-host if they're around.

So as long as lie-ins (or an equivalent opt-out) are nicely shared around, I'm afraid I'm in the YABU camp.

SaraBellumHertz · 05/01/2013 17:02

The OP's DH is being no ruder than the OP is in expecting him to go alOng with plans she has made without any discussion with him.

If I had a lie in planned there is no way I'd drag myself up and coherent just because one of DH's mates was coming round. Equally I'd have little interest in DH hanging around if I wanted a catch up with a mate unless of course I wanted him to take care of the child care to allow me max gossip time

NumericalMum · 05/01/2013 17:09

I worry about all the wasted weekend mornings!! Lie ins are such a waste of the only two days to have fun in a week!
And I don't think you YWBU. I would be livid if DH was asleep at 10 on a Saturday. When is he going to spend time with his DC?!

InNeedOfBrandy · 05/01/2013 17:10

If I had a dh and he arranged visitors at 10am on my first lie in from 6am starts all week I wouldn't get up. If he expected me to get up and be a team player (cringe word whoever said that) I'd tell him to jog on and make a point of staying in bed till lunch time. 10am on a saterday is a awful time for anyone to pop round.

Op your treating them coming round like a silver service dinner party IMO

Original poster
Empross76 · 05/01/2013 17:14

He's been off work for two weeks over Xmas. Had loads of lie ins, including the day before our visitors and another one tomorrow morning as his parents are staying over and always give us a lie in when they're down (we're v lucky!).
He knew I was organising to meet these friends, so just told him the one we'd arranged. I expected that he would put in an appearance, especially as my friend's husband was there.
I don't think a precious lie in is the point here.

OP posts:
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