to be really upset by what this 'friend' just said?

[emeraldgirl1]

I am 7m pregnant.

This friend has just asked where we are planning to 'put the baby' when she is born, the point being that we only live in a very small 2 bedroom flat and one bedroom is currently my office ( I work from home). I of course said that the baby would be sleeping in our room with us at first. She said, "sure, but eventually are you seriously telling me you aren't making a nice nursery for all her stuff with pink teddies on the walls etc etc?..."

2 points:

1. this friend is loaded beyond belief (not a problem for me, btw, I have never had the slightest problem with her having tonnes of money and a huge home because it's just pure luck and I think there is more to life than money BUT we are NOT loaded beyond belief, my friend knows this and knows we are going to struggle to move somewhere bigger with the baby when we eventually have to.

2. is this not just an incredibly insensitive thing to say to a pregnant woman who quite obviously HASN'T turned her (still much-needed) home office into a gorgeous nursery for her brand new baby?

I would love nothing more than to have been able to make a gorgeous nursery for my very first baby and have been feeling very guilty already that we are unable to provide this BUT I had reconciled myself to the fact that newborns don't need any trappings except mum and dad and milk and love.

Now after this conversation with my friend I am sitting here stupidly crying and feeling an inadequate parent again because I am not able to bring my baby home from the hospital to something from an interiors magazine.

I didn't know what to say to my friend on the phone so I ended the call as soon as possible.

The irony is that she may have provided a gorgeous nursery for her own children but she has spent the past 4 years dragged through a hideous divorce (not saying divorce is necc at all bad for a child btw, but the way my friend and her ex have done it, it's bloody awful for everyone in the vicinity!) and I have NEVER once suggested to her that she is anything other than a great mum who is doing her best.

Our dc1's bedroom was the junk room until she was 2, so you're one up on us if it is used as an office! The woman sounds bonkers, but equally in the grand scheme of the kind of judgemental comments you get as a parent, it is still pretty tame. Hard as it is you'll need to develop a thicker skin if you don't want to spend your dc's entire childhood in tears! Personally I think nurseries are a waste of money and I'd secretly sneer at the idea of marching mini furniture sets etc for a baby who won't care less and will be far happier in its parents room in any case. Be secure in your choices and you will come to laugh comments like that off.

Don't be upset! If you think she didn't mean to offend, then you can file it under 'silly things people think they have permission to say to you when you're pregnant'. We had a not dissimilar problem when friends excitedly wanted to see the 'nursery' just before I gave birth and when I said that there was nothing to see and they still insisted (and saw the pristine, white box-room with cot, rug and basic kit) they were aghast that we chose to not spend hundreds of pounds on unnecessary nonsense when all our little darling wanted was as you say, mother's milk and lots of love.

I'm sure s/he will be more than happy with whatever you provide, including the roof over their head (at least partly) funded by your hard work.

p.s. said little darling is now a very articulate and capable 14 year old, who clearly hasn't suffered from his early years' deprivation.

Fret not!

Matching furniture sets, even!

I am with Manic . It does depend though on your friend's tone of voice. Concerned or sneering. If she's loaded and concerned , and a good friend, she could gift you some of wealth to help her you out?

Thanks everyone.

I can see on re-reading my post that it does probably sound really odd with no b/g but the b/g is way too long and boring to put on MN. Basically this friend has spent the past few years nagging me and DH to try to buy a flat in her area of London, where we would need to quadruple our mortgage just to afford a hole in the ground, and cricticising us for not having moved house before I got pg. I have ignored all of this in the past because I know she has no clue about real people's finances but she has persisted and got very bossy and aggressive about it.

That's the context in which she said this, really. if it had 'just' been a question about whether or not we had done up a spare room, I'd never have got remotely bothered by it. In fact my MIL was asking this only the other day and I didn't bat an eyelid.

Anyway, just explaining a bit more. I do know that I am over-reacting but it wasn't 'just' a question - it was another one in a long line of her opinions about why we should have moved, where we should have moved to etc.

Not sure I really understand the problem. Some people say nursery, I call it the children's bedroom, and your child will need one sooner or later as they aren't newborns for long.

So you will need to convert the office or move to a bigger place. What is your plan and Why are you upset? If it's that you haven't been able to sort out baby's room yet then don't worry, you are right in that they don't need one straight away.

Can't see what the problem is tbh and think you're way over reacting. She asked a realistic and practical question. Your child is going to need a bedroom at some stage and it doesn't sound as if she was being sneery or condescending.

You, on the other hand, seem delighted that she is going through a very messy divorce.

you sound odd because you seem to equate bad divorce with bad mother. why on earth would you even say that? and secondly how is asking where someone will have their baby sleep even on the same lines as telling someone they are a bad mother? you have got this massively out of proportion.

it is only an insensitive question if you know the person is touchy about not having a nursery, and how on earth would she know you were touchy about it because for most people, asking "where will she sleep" is a logical question when someone has limited space.

X posts with OP. Ignore her! Why are you friends with her?

If she's normally an insensitive beast who doesn't reciprocate support etc, then ask yourself why you're in the friendship.

If she's all about material stuff and makes you feel inadequate regularly, then the happy times you have together really need to outweigh that significantly or you need to phase her out.

I have two children and I've never decorated a nursery in my life. What will be important to your baby will be to be near you, to be fed, warm and dry, and feel loved. They certainly won't notice any pink teddies on the wall.

Why has this upset you so much? Maybe it's because you feel she is implying that you won't be a good enough mother because you have a small flat?

Take a deep breath and let it go.

Your baby will have a warm cosy home with plenty of love. Anything else is a bonus.

YA neither BU. I get your feelings - we're still in a 2 bed and my office is now DS's room, with my PhD books and work in my bedroom, in boxes. Not ideal but we're a lot luckier than many!

On the other hand ... My God you'll get SO much worse when DC is here ... From work to BF to weaning to pram or sling to discipline to... Everything really!

Do what's right for you, be confident in your choices, and learn to smile, not and inwardly think 'fuck OFF!'

booyhoo - not at all, that wans't what I was meaning to imply, I was typing the original post very fast so may not have worded it as carefully as I meant to. I did say though that I have never said anything that would make her think she was anything other than a great mum who is doing her best (which is exactly what I think, on both counts). I don't at all think that a bad divorce means you are a bad mum, in the same way that I don't think not having a perfect nursery means someone is a bad mum, but that is what my friend was implying (as I said above, I know my first post didn't give any real b/g but this friend has a long history of saying such things as criticism and judgement, it's never just a mere question)

Apologies if anyone thought I was equating bad divorce with bad mothering...

oh ok there's backstory. that would have been helpful to mention in the OP!

I don't think she was being massively U, but it sounds like she touched on a raw nerve and I think she was rude to question your arrangements. It sounds more like you are concerned that your baby won't have the perfect nursery? Which to be blunt is a little bit silly because you already know that your baby will only be interested in you, boob and love. FWIW we are choosing not to decorate the nursery until our baby is here and we have figured out what we really need. Baby will be in a babybay next to us for the first 6 months and then we'll see what we need to do.

Please don't worry about being an inadequate mum. You won't be

Just one more think, maybe you should tell her that she upset you and that she made you feel inadequate? She will probably be mortified but at least it should stop her in her tracks in the future?

ah right, drip feed, nevermind.....

YANBU from what you said about her later in the thread it sounds best if you avoid having to hear her 'advice'.

Anyway, sounds like you have your priorites the right way round. Each to her own but fancy nurseries are unnecessary imo.

*just one more thing. although one more think is probably a more apt description of my capabilities this afternoon...

And I don't mean that meanly at all - I was shocked by how much judging goes on and it took me MONTHS to be able to ignore it, look at my happy, thriving little boy and shrug other people's ideologies off :)

BiscuitMillionaire - sadly I know for sure that she is implying that I won't be a good mother because we have a small flat... the same way I know that she has implied I will be a bad mother because we didnt' move house before I got pregnant and the way I will be a bad mother if I don't use Gina Ford as she did (actually she didnt so much 'imply' that last one as tell me outright that my child would be a horror if I didn't use GF...)

She's an old family friend and impossible to completely cut out - I have reduced contact since being pg though as she is intrusive and critical at the best of times

BooyHoo - waaaaaaaaaay too much backstory to mention in the OP

Totally overreacting, sorry.

Have some chocolate and watch shit tv for a bit, you are being over sensitive

No I would be pretty devastated too, bloody insensitive :0(