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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave dd2 in the car outside tesco whilst i run in to buy 2 things?

136 replies

Marne · 03/01/2013 20:29

Dd2 is almost 7 and has ASD, she had been asking for a magazine all morning, its her favorite magazine and she knows what day it comes out (which was today), usually i go and buy it when she's at school or i go whilst she's at home with dh as she's not keen on supermarkets (bright lights and too busy) but dh had gone out and told me just to take her to get it.

I took both the dd's with me, dd1 is almost 8, got to Tesco's and dd2 refused to get out of the car so i parked in the p&c space right outside the front door, locked them in the car, ran in, grabbed a loaf of bread and the magazine, payed and came straight out. Dd's were fine.

Dh thinks i was wrong to leave them on their own in the car, maybe i was? but if i had tried to take dd2 out of the car she would have had a meltdown and if i turned around and went back home she would scream for the rest of the day (as she wouldn't have got her magazine).

So is dh BU or AIBU?

OP posts:
MamaChocoholic · 04/01/2013 10:24

My mum used to leave me in the car when she went in the shops plenty of times. If your 8yo is responsible enough to cope with the 7yo going into meltdows/trying to get out I think it's ok. The risk of the car catching fire is miniscule, and all risks are relative, she could throw herself into the path of a moving car if you dragged her out the car.

My only concern would be if they both know not to play with the handbrake. I once let it off when parked on a slope, and got quite scared trying to get the car to stop before it careered into the main road at the bottom of the hill.

Crinkle77 · 04/01/2013 10:37

If your husband was so insistent on going to the shops to buy the magazine why didn't he do it before he went out?

abbierhodes · 04/01/2013 10:45

Not sure what I'd have done in your situation OP, as ASD is different for every child. But I have three children, all NT, aged 7, 5 and 2. I have no qualms about leaving the older 2 in the car for a few minutes.

Putting the ASD to one side for a moment- those of you who are saying you wouldn't leave your children in the car at the ages of 7 and 8- what age would you leave them?

BridgetJonesPants · 04/01/2013 11:03

OP - YANBU.

If I'm just going into supermarket for a handful of items, I always give my DD aged 8 the choice to come with me or stay in the car herself. She knows how to lock/unlock the car & is fairly sensible.

Sometimes when she does come in with me, I leave her browsing through the kids comics (prob another AIBU thread to do this). Anyway, she knows not to leave this area until I come back.

The way I see it, there's not much difference between leaving kids in the car or them playing outside on their own with friends - there's always a risk something could happen....but that's life!

OTheYuleManatee · 04/01/2013 11:25

When I was 7 Mum used to leave me and older brother (then 8) in the car for an hour while she did an aerobics class. We just read books and ate our snacks. No biggie. OP, you know your DC and if they are responsible enough for this then YANBU.

BoffinMum · 04/01/2013 11:34

Risks to leaving children in cars near supermarkets, in order of likelihood.

Extreme heat
Extreme cold
Children getting out and running into traffic
Another car hitting yours with them in it
Kiddie snatcher in broad daylight in front of other shoppers

Risks to taking them with you, ditto.

Parental stress leading to later adverse event
Child stress leading to later adverse eveny
Car park injury
Shopping trolley injury
Kiddie snatcher while you are in a different aisle or looking in the other direction, in broad daylight in front of other shoppers

Weigh that lot up and decide your own attitude towards risk in each case. For sensible junior school aged children, it's probably OK to leave them in the car as most of the risks would be things they could deal with.

jamdonut · 04/01/2013 11:34

YANBU ...but you know your own child. At 7 they should be responsible enough to follow instructions and stay put. I've done it many a time (from about age 4 - oldest is 20 now and has survived). You can't live your life thinking "What if..." all the time...you will become a nervous wreck!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2013 11:48

Bridget - did you just admit to letting your child play out?? Shock Hmm

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2013 11:49

You'll regret it.

Not letting them play out, but admitting it on MN Grin

RedHelenB · 04/01/2013 12:19

The problem is, her dd2 isn't sensible so to leave her older sister (by only 1 year) in charge is a bit unfair.

Original poster
Marne · 04/01/2013 19:01

Did i say dd2 isn't sensible? Smile and dd1 is 2 years older and very sensible. Theres no way i would leave dd2 in the car and do a full food shop, though i have left dd1 in the past (she's happy to sit in the car with a book).

OP posts:
sunnyday123 · 04/01/2013 19:14

I wouldn't do it - but only because I'm a worrier! It's likely fine though!

rhondajean · 04/01/2013 19:19

YANBU but I wouldn't have been getting her the magazine if she had been kicking off a bit, so for that, YAbu Grin

yfuwchhapus · 04/01/2013 19:20

Autism=isn't sensible........Shaking my head in disbelief!Xmas Shock

orchidee · 04/01/2013 19:22

Could you clarify their ages? Your OP suggested 6 and 7 but your last post said there's a 2 year gap.

I've read the thread expecting to see the legal situation being explained. I was recently told that sleeping babes should be removed from the car while paying for petrol at a petrol station. Which I was surprised at as they're usually in plain sight but maybe it's the fact that petrol is flammable... I dunno. It'd be good to know the truth i.e. is officially ok or not? Surely some HV / SW type folk have read the thread?

orchidee · 04/01/2013 19:23

And I'm with the others- did your DH not offer to get it while he was out anyway?

RedHelenB · 04/01/2013 19:35

You couldn't cope with a possible meltdown so how on earth would you expect your 8 year old daughter to? That's the point I was trying to make.

RedHelenB · 04/01/2013 19:37

You wrote dd1 was almost 8 & dd2 was almost 7 so that makes a 1 year asge gap by my reckoning/

DeafLeopard · 04/01/2013 19:47

Some 8yos are walking to / from school on their own round here, so sitting in a car with a younger sibling for two minutes seems very reasonable IMO.

Marne you know your DDs best, and how ASD manifests it in your DD so I think you have nothing to feel bad about.

Your DH however should not have put you in that position.

RyleDup · 04/01/2013 19:58

I've read the thread expecting to see the legal situation being explained. I was recently told that sleeping babes should be removed from the car while paying for petrol at a petrol station. Which I was surprised at as they're usually in plain sight but maybe it's the fact that petrol is flammable... I dunno. It'd be good to know the truth i.e. is officially ok or not? Surely some HV / SW type folk have read the thread?

RyleDup · 04/01/2013 20:02

I've read the thread expecting to see the legal situation being explained. I was recently told that sleeping babes should be removed from the car while paying for petrol at a petrol station. Which I was surprised at as they're usually in plain sight but maybe it's the fact that petrol is flammable... I dunno. It'd be good to know the truth i.e. is officially ok or not? Surely some HV / SW type folk have read the thread?

Sorry pressed send before answering. Re the petrol station there is no set legal guideline. Its more about weighing up risk, ensuring your child is as safe from external risks as much as possible and using common sense. It would generally considered to be acceptable to leave a child in a locked car, at a petrol station while you go in and pay whilst watching from the window. It could also be argued that the risk of getting hit by a car on the forecourt is far more likely than the car catching fire. Neither is impossible however.

Original poster
Marne · 04/01/2013 21:13

Sorry Red (my mistake), dd1 is almost 9.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marne · 04/01/2013 21:24

And i do cope with her meltdowns as does dd1 (we do it every day) but we also try and avoid them happening in the first place, she was more likely to hurt herself if i removed her from the car (plus i would have to deal with people looking and judging as she chucks herself on the ground). My dd2 does not get violent when having a meltdown so would not hurt dd1, dd1 knows how to calm dd2 down (as its a daily thing in our house), dd1 has Autism too but she's very mature for her age and very sensible (having autism does not make someone any less sensible). I was gone for 5 minutes, i could almost see the car from the magazine section, dd2 could not get out of her car seat let alone out of the car and even if she could she would not have had to walk infront of any traffic to find me (not as though i was thinking about that at the time as i knew she would not get out anyway, why would she get out when she is petrified of going in to a shop?).

Dh should have offered to get the magazine but he was out with our next door neighbour and dh was not driving (so could hardly tell him to pull over to get a magazine), they were working and in a hury to get home.

Dd2 has high functioning Autism, her understanding is not as good as a nt 7 year old but she's not stupid and if i tell her 'to stay still, mummy will be back soon' then she will.

OP posts:
float62 · 04/01/2013 22:14

YANBU at all. You have to do what you have to do to get things done, you know your dc. As one of the early posters said, the biggest problem is how others perceive things, and then cast judgement, which is a greater risk than the one you actually took.

SarahWarahWoo · 04/01/2013 22:30

Asked DH, he said if we were in same situation he would be happy for me to leave DD in car or he would bring home required item and we could make a big thing of Daddy fetching it for her x