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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave dd2 in the car outside tesco whilst i run in to buy 2 things?

136 replies

Marne · 03/01/2013 20:29

Dd2 is almost 7 and has ASD, she had been asking for a magazine all morning, its her favorite magazine and she knows what day it comes out (which was today), usually i go and buy it when she's at school or i go whilst she's at home with dh as she's not keen on supermarkets (bright lights and too busy) but dh had gone out and told me just to take her to get it.

I took both the dd's with me, dd1 is almost 8, got to Tesco's and dd2 refused to get out of the car so i parked in the p&c space right outside the front door, locked them in the car, ran in, grabbed a loaf of bread and the magazine, payed and came straight out. Dd's were fine.

Dh thinks i was wrong to leave them on their own in the car, maybe i was? but if i had tried to take dd2 out of the car she would have had a meltdown and if i turned around and went back home she would scream for the rest of the day (as she wouldn't have got her magazine).

So is dh BU or AIBU?

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 04/01/2013 09:08

GoldPlated it probably would have taken MArne longer to talk her DD into coming into the supermarket with her than just nipping in herself.

I know with my autistic DS it can take a long time to talk him into doing something if that situation usually causes him a lot of anxiety.

EasilyBored · 04/01/2013 09:10

I would be quite surprised if anyone died from overheating in a car in January in the UK.

Othet more likely risks: Child flings self on floor in shop and hurts self, child runs outof shop and gets hit by a car. Not to mention that way more children die in car accidents than are snatched/combust in cars. We don't get hysterical about every car trip wr take (and a lot of those are completely avoidable) just in case a crazy person or a drunk driver or an overtired lorry driver crashes into us.

Seriously, I would have done the same. People need to unclench.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 04/01/2013 09:10

I think that you know your children's abilities, you know if they would be ok or not in that situation. I think considering your DDs adverse reaction to going into the supermarket, staying in the car was probably the more sensible idea.

Our parents used to lock us in the car and leave us for short periods of time when we were little.

And i guess it similar to leaving the kids in the car whilst you go and pay for petrol.

Delayingtactic · 04/01/2013 09:12

I'd have left em. I wouldn't back home in SA as the risk there is much more real of someone breaking into the car or just taking it but here? I didn't think I was laid back but god all these disaster scenarios are IMO just over the top.

Delayingtactic · 04/01/2013 09:15

gold I think that would be reasonable for an NT child but not a child with autism. Their reaction to the supermarket isn't wilful or bad behaviour but a genuine discomfort so I don't see how punishing them gains anything.

TheSkiingGardener · 04/01/2013 09:15

Good grief. When I was young this wouldn't have been thought twice about. At that age I was walking 2 miles to school or the shop and back on my own, crossing busy roads.

The way hysteria is getting out of control in this country there will soon be a law stating you have to tether your children to your side until they are 16.

MammaTJ · 04/01/2013 09:17

I would have done the same.
YANBU.

clorna · 04/01/2013 09:18

I've been guilty of leaving my dd's in the car while I pop into Sainsburys (because they didn't want to come in!). They won't do it anymore as the parking chappy came round and saw them and went and told customer services and an announcement was made for me to go back to my car. I finished paying and walked out thinking help what are they doing are they shouting out the window but no they were still sat in there seats being as good as gold. I would still do it if I was going to a small shop though and I'm parked right outside.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 04/01/2013 09:29

I would do it with my 8yo, he is very sensible, knows not to
play with the controls and would just stay in the back. He has ASD too. I probably wouldn't with my nearly 7yo NT DD, partly because she is more inclined to explore, partly because she is more likely to get frightened. Wouldn't do it in warm weather though because of the overheating risk.

Chopstheduck · 04/01/2013 09:37

I think the problem with asd though, is it is so unpredictable. ds1 I could have probably left at 7, he was so compliant and if I told him do this, he literally did it never entertained the idea of doing anything else!

However, now he is 10 he has been through phases where he has been a lot more unpredictable and so I normally leave him with his sister if I am going to leave him, in case he gets some crazy or dangerous idea into his head, and having asd type issues, he really isn't going to have the sense not to implement it. At 7 he wasn't unpredictable, but I think with a 7yo with asd I would always be a bit wary.

What I probably would have done is gone elsewhere where I could leave her in the car and still see the car from the shop, like a little newsagent or a tesco local type thing.

I do know where you are coming from and with no other choice I wouldn't have provoked the meltdown!

diddl · 04/01/2013 09:45

I doubt I would have done it-but I´m wondering-if she had been asking all morning whilst you were both still there...?

CwtchesAndCuddles · 04/01/2013 09:54

I often pop into my local tesco express and leave the kids in the car. DS is 5 with ASD and severe learning difficulties, his sister is a very sensible 7 year old.

I only need to grab one or two items I am only gone a few minutes and can see the car most of the time. DS is unable to get himself out of his car seat and dd is happy to "look after him" for a few minutes.

I think there are a lot of hysterycal mothers on this thred. Children can be far too overprotected for their own good sometimes.

OP YANBU - but horrible of your husband to put you in that situation. It is very hard for anyone who doesn't have a child with ASD to understand just how your day would be without that magazine!!

ILikeWhisperingToo · 04/01/2013 09:54

The worry now is that you could have set a precedence - now DC's know you'll leave them once, they'll ask again? Can you get the magazine on subscription by the way, delivered to your house?

girlynut · 04/01/2013 09:55

I left DS1 (7) in the car playing on my iphone whilst I took DS2 (3) into Tesco for 5 minutes to buy some paints.

Came out to a lady claiming to be an off-duty policewoman yelling at me for not being a responsible parent, as someone could break a window to snatch him!

I was very and felt terribly guilty for a while afterwards. But, in hindsight, I wish I'd told her to mind her own business.

CaHoHoHootz · 04/01/2013 09:56

It's fine by me

Whatiswitnit · 04/01/2013 10:02

YANBU. We assess risks everyday as parents and in your case you quickly assessed that the risk of something bad happening to your daughter while you nipped into the shop was slim.

I do think your DH was U to force you into that tricky situation though when he knows that your DD doesn't like the supermarket.

Why not subscribe to DD's magazine? Get it sent in the post.

RyleDup · 04/01/2013 10:09

Sounds absolutely fine op for all the reasons that you have said, ie dd 1 in front, child locks on. A liitle hysteria is being whipped up on here as usual.
FWIW I leave dc(5 and 3) in the car while I go to pay for petrol. Far safer than dragging them across the forecourt.

everlong · 04/01/2013 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5madthings · 04/01/2013 10:12

girlynut i bet she wasnt an off duty policewoman, i would have called her bluff and asked for udentifucation and her police station detsuls and reported her fir shouting at you if she was infact an off duty officer.

And re leaving your purse ir your child, its a daft comparison. In a supermarket carpark a purse left visible in a car is a target for theives. The chancrs if their being a would be kidnapper and them then managing to break in and snatch a child with no-one noticing in the time a parent is in a shop is beyond miniscule.

Some people really need to get a grip.

MoleyMick · 04/01/2013 10:13

YANBU, it sounds fine
There is a bit of hysteria here in Australia about kids in cars even at petrol stations because of the heat, but your situation is totally different.
(I say that as someone who broke my drivers window to break into my car a couple of weeks ago, when I locked my kids in there - was a hot day, my automatic lock clicky thing broke, and I was utterly beside myself!)

MoleyMick · 04/01/2013 10:13

And I always leave my phone on the passenger seat too!

doingtwelvethingsatonce · 04/01/2013 10:13

I will say that in that circumstance, although DS's meltdown might be spectacular if I refused to get the magazine unless he went with me into the shop, I would still insist. If I left him in the car and went in when he refused, he would then refuse EVERY time to get out of the car - and then it becomes a HUGE problem.

So I would deal with the meltdown as best as possible, to avoid setting a precedent for future meltdowns. But then, DS is simply not safe to leave alone in a car (even with an older sibling). It's so difficult to say as ASD exhibits in different behaviours for different children. IMO (as you did ask AIBU), however, I wouldn't be comfortable with it, not only from the safety issue (of what DS would do) but also from the aspect of not putting too much adult responsibility on the older sibling - if your 7yo kicked off in a big way while you were in the shop, would your 8yo really be able to physically restrain her if she was fighting to get out of the car tooth and nail? And how would the 8yo cope if the 7yo actually got out of the car and got lost or hurt in some way? Just something to think about.

nipersvest · 04/01/2013 10:15

i've have left mine in the car a couple of times, but i did see something the other day which did bother me.

car, parked at the side of the road, was in a parking bay but the driver had parked badly and the car was quite a way from the kerb, meaning the other side of the car was jutting out into the road (a main high street through a village). a boy was locked in the car, about 8 ish, and the alarm was going off. lad looked terrified and was clawing at the door to get out, driver was nowhere to be seen.

M25Meltdown · 04/01/2013 10:18

Have only read the Op, please tell me, have we had cars on fire, children running off, kidnap and overheating yet .

DontHaveAtv · 04/01/2013 10:22

I can understand why you did it but I personally wouldn't leave my kids in a car on their own.

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