Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be a traditional sahm ??

865 replies

ProudMum4Eva · 02/01/2013 22:16

I personal have never been flamed for my choice in life, however I see many people who continuously get some sort of insult for their life choices. So here I thought I would share all for the first time.
I am 34 years old I got married at 18 straight from college. I am happily married with five wonderful children who I adore and do everything for. I have NEVER worked (outside the family home) my DH has always worked. He works traditional hours leaves about 8:10 mon-fri and is home for around 5:30. I do everything in the home cleaning, cooking, bathing the younger children, ironing and so on. I dote on my children and my husband. I love it they do not need to help me in the house I look after them and that is what I am good at.

OP posts:
bickie · 05/01/2013 18:28

Janey - agree. I just thought Bonsoir had been spending most of this thread saying that as a SAHM - the beneficiaries of her degree were her children and that was a great way to use her degree - and then she went on to say - she didn't think mothers or stepmothers had any influence when it came to advising their children about work. It seemed a bit contradictory. And I disagree about older women being able to advise the younger generation. I work in the creative industry - so I have many, many grads coming to me for advice on how to get in to it (20 and soon depressingly 30 years my junior!)

chandellina · 05/01/2013 19:52

Most sahms I know weren't very happy in their work and prefer coffee mornings. I'm sure plenty of men would also choose to be sahps to take a break from work they don't enjoy. Shame that men usually make more money and this is a debate women are stuck with instead, as both a luxury and curse.

Gay40 · 05/01/2013 20:02

We can stop pretending that raising children and running a house prepares you for the world of work with transferable skills. No it doesn't. It really doesn't. Even people with a good work history before they had their SAHM time find it very difficult to get back into work, and generally lower down the career ladder. This is going to be more so over the next few years because the jobs market is in such a precarious state.
People who have spent several years (and more) farting about with school runs, housework and coffee mornings without doing anything else generally don't have a lot to offfer.
I can't believe women leave themselves so vulnerable in this day and age.

HandbagCrab · 05/01/2013 20:03

So you could spend half a million plus privately educating, tutoring and after school clubbing a dc to masters level alongside all the money to feed, clothe, holiday and keep this dc alive and healthy. At the same time mum doesn't work to enable this child to do all the various activities they need to do to succeed in the modern world and to also look after the home. And at the end of it they could also decide to be a sahm in order to do all the above for their dc because if they don't they might not be able to reach the levels of wealth and class that this dc currently enjoys. And on and on and on.

What's the point? I suppose people such as these pay a bit of tax and lots of vat on their luxury goods and keep various arts in a bit of cash but I don't know that they make a world a better or nicer place than for anyone outside their immediate circle.

Gay40 · 05/01/2013 20:05

I'm sure the exception to the rule will wander along soon. There's always someone who didn't do a stroke of work until they were 45 and then got a job as a CEO.
Etc.

chandellina · 05/01/2013 20:11

My mother started working at 35 after divorce and indeed became a ceo. It meant I was unsupervised from the age of 10 but truth is she hadn't been much of a sahm either!

catgirl1976geesealaying · 05/01/2013 20:18

I've said this before on other threads, but my company bins CVs from SAHMs (along with anyone else who has been out of work for more than 3 months) without even reading them.

I am not saying I agree with it but I know a lot of companies do the same. And I think more will do so as the economy gets worse.

They can afford to be so picky as there are so many applicants for each job

The "bin" pile is always huge. They don't get read, a knock-out factor like SAHM, or recent graduate with less the 2yrs experience etc is spotted on a skim through and into the bin they go.

HannahsSister40 · 05/01/2013 20:24

Farting about with coffee mornings and school runs?
Gay, I'd really love to know what you have to offer.
Apart from being crashingly judgmental, blinkered and offensive.
I very much hope that you haven't transferred those 'qualities' to your children.
Fuck me at the idiocy on this thread.

HannahsSister40 · 05/01/2013 20:30

I'm lolling at the implication from wohm's that they're all working on strategic management for some multinational or other in the City.
What's the likelihood they're actually getting £7.50 an hour working for an accident helpline, or working at their local cash and carry? Not quite as compelling as human rights lawyer or CEO of Disney.
It's just as intriguing as the suggestion that every professionally qualified sahm is a liar! (Upthread in comments about Oxford bags)

InNeedOfBrandy · 05/01/2013 20:30

I don't think it is idiotic to say being SAHM is farting about with coffee mornings and school runs, lets add going to the gym and out for lunch to.

And a very nice life it must be to but it's not hard so lets not pretend it is. We have already came to the conclusion that there is no difference between a working or SAH mum once dc are at school and working mums do all a SAHM does plus earn a wage.

sunshine401 · 05/01/2013 20:34

I do not really have a routine as every single day is different as I am a full time SW so I am on call/rota. :( Although I am quite lucky my DP is a teacher and he is about to either drop of at breakfast club or pick up after school club. Some days I am home for them some days I am not.
There can be great , happy really fulfilled SAHM.
There can be horrible, lazy and rubbish SAHM.
And same to working mums some are great some are not.
Personal choice is what matters here if you are happy and your children are being looked after then that is all that matters.
Not surprising you wanted to stay at home with 5 children though especially when they were all younger could you imagine the nursery fees Shock

janey68 · 05/01/2013 20:36

Well personally I encourage my dd (and ds) to aim for careers they will find fulfilling and stimulating precisely so they dont end up unemployable or stuck in a dull minimum wage job. And i guess the fact that they see both their parents in rewarding jobs helps them to see that.

HannahsSister40 · 05/01/2013 20:37

That may be for some people Brandy, but isn't it rather crass to allow the green eyed monster to fuel thoroughly unpleasant comments about sahm's farting about, having a nice easy life and having 'not a lot to offer'
FFS.
What if I made flippant remarks about career Mothers who dump their kids in day orphanages and never see them?

scottishmummy · 05/01/2013 20:46

why you presume green eyed monster,is it so inconceivable one may not want be housewife
just as you don't envy working mums,they don't necessarily envy housewife
the presumption that working mums ache to be housewife isn't founded

sunshine401 · 05/01/2013 20:46

All I can say about the stupid amount of bashing on here is this. All you are doing is making yourself seem very unhappy/guilty of your choices. They are not serving any other purpose than that.

bickie · 05/01/2013 20:47

Hannah - first you need to calm the fuck down. Second - if you do have dd, please for the love of God - don't pass on to them that in your opinion most women who work must be in in low paying, menial jobs. I hate to tell you, but yes many of us are CEO's, directors, lead on strategy - mums can do that and have interesting jobs. The problem is - not enough of us are. Society needs to change so more women get to do interesting jobs AND be there for their dc and share with a partner in parenting. It is a good thing for women to be able to work - many women fought long and hard for it. Please God don't be one of the women who try and unravel it for the next generation.

janey68 · 05/01/2013 20:49

I don't get the assumption that people must be jealous if they don't choose a particular lifestyle. If I wanted to not work, and if I had a partner who was agreeable to fund that for me then I'd do it. But I like the balance that a work life brings me. It's that simple really

sunshine401 · 05/01/2013 20:53

Do I wish I was a stay-at-home mum when my children were under school aged. Yes

I do wish I did. Although I would of always returned to work when they were school-aged. Unfortunately I chose a Carer which I became very connected to. I develop close bonds to the families I work with so I wanted to continue to work more so for the sake of the good I was bringing to the families in my care.
Still my children are loved , well looked after and we still have a very close relationship. At the end of the day is that not all that matters?
I can see why mums what to stay at home and raise their children why wouldn't they?
Of course I can see mums wanting to carry on with their work to like I did.
I do not feel guilty for my choice but some times when I see a lovely cute little baby out and about I do feel sorry for the time I missed with mine. So I can definitely see the positives and negatives of both choices.

HandbagCrab · 05/01/2013 20:54

I've chosen to work part time and study for a new career, although we could afford for me to sah if I wanted to. Im not envious of sahm.

sunshine401 · 05/01/2013 20:55

Sorry if I posted a bit crap then using phone Blush

sugarandspiced · 05/01/2013 21:01

Totally agree with this and would apply it to fathers also:

'The salient point is that a good mother is a good mother whether or not she works, or how much.'

'I doubt any SAHM is sitting at home all day with her head in a romance novel. She possibly reads more papers/ listens to more informative radio/tv/ sees more of the world when out and about/ and mixes with a broader mix of the population than someone who commutes a dull commute journey to a full time less than interesting job. So are in a just as good a position as anyone else to advise or guide DCs.'

One or two generalisation/ assumptions there, I feel Mayisout. A bit like your other bizzare post about hard working single 20/30 somethings being the most indulgent group because they have holidays and don't have mortgages or elderly relatives. Hmm

HannahsSister40 · 05/01/2013 21:01

Bickie, I don't believe for a nanosecond that all the wohm's on this thread have high powered careers. Just as I'm sure you don't believe for a second that all the sahm's have PhDs and masters. Because we don't all run multinationals. Many of us, men and women alike, do ordinary day to day jobs like teaching, nursing, admin, accounting, gardener, hairdresser, zoo keeper. If we all aimed to be CEO of Facebook, who'd run the rest of the world? How would society function?
And please do fuck off with your crass assumptions that I'm raising my daughters to think women can't do whichever work they want.

I am also teaching them to aim for something they love and something which gives them a real sense of personal achievement. I'm not going to push them to do Maths at Uni so they can get 6 figure city job and rarely see any dc's they might have. If they want to do that, really want to, that is fine. But if they'd prefer a career with a better work life balance, that's fine too.

janey68 · 05/01/2013 21:03

'my children are loved, well looked after and we enjoy a close relationship'- spot on, that's exactly what it's all about. And that's got nothing to do with working or not

sugarandspiced · 05/01/2013 21:07

I'm not quite grasping what is wrong with being a teacher, nurse, admin, accountant, etc.

Frankly, they sound a whole lot more useful than being CEO of Facebook.

janey68 · 05/01/2013 21:10

Yes I wonder whats wrong with 'ordinary everyday jobs like teaching, nursing, admin, accounting...'