To be a traditional sahm ??

[ProudMum4Eva]

I personal have never been flamed for my choice in life, however I see many people who continuously get some sort of insult for their life choices. So here I thought I would share all for the first time.
I am 34 years old I got married at 18 straight from college. I am happily married with five wonderful children who I adore and do everything for. I have NEVER worked (outside the family home) my DH has always worked. He works traditional hours leaves about 8:10 mon-fri and is home for around 5:30. I do everything in the home cleaning, cooking, bathing the younger children, ironing and so on. I dote on my children and my husband. I love it they do not need to help me in the house I look after them and that is what I am good at.

That's an interesting way of looking at it Bonsoir, my experience as an employer of many 20 something's - who are probably the first lot to come through the 'helicopter parenting' phase. Is the ones who had more hands off - but still caring motivated parents, learnt to self motivate. tTey are the ones who do better in the workplace.

Fair enough then :)

But I do honestly believe you can still work and work towards giving them the skills and advantages they need to suceed in life. I don't that working is mutually exclusive with being a focused parent with ambitions for your DCs in anyway.

I agree with that as a general rule jinsei. I do think though that often that pushiness and being ambitious on the children's behalf is often a sign of something being misplaced. People should be ambition for themself not on anyone else's behalf. And after all, children learn best by example, not by being told to achieve or do something. Of course, it's absolutely right as a parent to want your children to have their own aspirations and achieve their potential and good parents support their children in this. But that's an entirely different thing from investing your entire energy in putting your own ambitions onto your children which is a really Unattractive trait and likely to backfire long term

I am anything but a helicopter parent, bickie, though I do know plenty of those (they tend to find me very mystifying).

No, I don't think I misunderstand you.
I just think you are a bit naive and others don't get the great satisfaction that you get from volunteering and some SAHMs don't like to leave their DCs with paid minders but you won't countenance that, all this MUST be wrong as it is not what you believe.
Also others do not feel they are scrounging from society they are living their life.

catgirl - whether one or two parents work very much depends on an individual family's circumstances, eg on a single earner's income, on taxation (in the particular tax régime you live), on how much time away from home and flexibility one earner requires, on availability of quality outsourcing for children (childcare and education)...

Oh, I agree janey, totally. But I have seen this kind of parenting just as much (if not slightly more!) among parents who are employed outside the home as among those who stay at home.

Personally, I think there is a very fine balance between encouraging, supporting and inspiring your children to be the best that they can be, and pushing them so hard that they lose all intrinsic motivation. I imagine it's a balance that many of us get wrong from time to time.

Bickie- i agree with your observation about graduates and young people in early 20s in the workplace

It depends on lots of things Bonsoir

But it doesn't mean working parents can't be every bit as focused and committed to their childrens learning and development as non-working parents

The number of parents, both wohm and sahm, who send their children off to university with no life skills it completely shocking.

Rising your child with no independent skills is not a gift to them.

I love my children. I am a sahm. We have cleaners. I could give them all a huge allowance each.
They still learn to clean, cook, and tidy. Ds1 knows how to budget shop and cook and is having to teach his housemates at uni most of whom were struggling and living on take aways, convenience foods and couldn't even cook rice or mash.

I don't volunteer, Mayisout, I work full time. But when I did briefly SAH I helped run the local toddler group. And who said SAHPs should to leave their children with minders? I certainly didn't. I would imagine the reason people SAH is to avoid that very thing. But parents of school-aged children have 6 hours, 5 days a week to themselves. That's 30 hours. Surely people could spend a couple of those hours doing something useful to someone other than themselves of their families?

Perhaps I am naive, but it seems to me that lots of people are very selfish to just be 'living their lives' with no concern for anyone else, and that's the root of a lot of what is wrong with society.

Pagwatch - you'll be helping him with his love life too! My niece at Oxford this year said the girls are quickly finding our who the eligible guys are - not down to their looks and charms but their ability to cook, clean and iron!!! Not all girls have the same aspirations as our long gone OP.

I am a sahm.
I am also a voluntary worker, am on the b of gov at my sons school and am starting a degree course next month.
I don't see why that suddenly makes it "ok" to be a sahm??
I volunteer because I have skills that are needed by the organisation I help.
I am on the b of gov because I think it's important.
I am re starting my degree because I need to retrain to get back into the workplace and for personal fulfilment.
I am not doing any of it for maybe else or because anyone thinks I should.
If the op is happy then that's great.
Horses for courses etc....l

Well, I have read most of the post and thought I would add my experience. I worked until my youngest turned 2 and I resigned from work. Fast forward 2 years and my husband and I are separated due to his alcoholism and he is in a psychiatric hospital.

Luckily I was able to find a well paid job and now that I have moved, I am able to support my children without a financial contribution from my ex husband.

I tell you this because 2 years ago I did not see it coming and I stupidly placed my own financial future in the hands of someone else. I won't ever make that mistake again and I certainly would never advise anyone else to do so unless they had an independent income.

My story so easily could have been so different with severe financial hardship.

What a depressing thread OP. The daughters will believe they should not aspire to being anything other than a mother and the sons will have enourmous pressure thinking that their sole purpose in life is to work to ensure their wife doesnt have too.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, being the only earner is an enourmous burden to put on a person and healthy adults should work. Being a SAHM isnt a job, in terms of employment status you are unemployed for all intents and purpose. If your husband should leave, then who would employ you? Its very likely you would end up on benefits for a long time. Every penny you have spent during your life has been earned by somebody else, do you never have the desire to earn your own money?

We have lots of pushy parents at our school, 90% of the ones that spring to mind work. Its the working parents that always volunteer or help on the pta too.

AnnieL.
Well that's probably why we dont' agree - I don't really think there is anything wrong with our society (or at least ours is better than most)
And if you volunteered you would find it often requires v regular commitment so what would happen in the school hols? Oh, and can take weeks of training and a criminal records check. And as I have seen all my elderly rellies shuffle off this mortal coil over the last decade I have NO wish to pop in to visit any lonely elderly and won't have for many a year.

"Perhaps I am naive, but it seems to me that lots of people are very selfish to just be 'living their lives' with no concern for anyone else, and that's the root of a lot of what is wrong with society."

That has absolutely nothing to do with whether parents work or not. Frankly, the absolutely most selfish parents I ever meet are those that work in entirely commercially/marketing focused jobs whose whole lives revolve around pushing useless consumer goods to people. They rarely pay any attention to anything but making a lot of money and having a good time - their concept of responsibility to others was probably limited to start with (or they wouldn't have chosen the career path they did) and by the time they hit their mid-40s it is severely warped.

I agree with every single thing you say Annie, right up to the point where you tell people who should be volunteering and who doesn't have to because they work full time.
Dh helped out or years at a rugby club on a Saturday morning while working 12 hours a day mon to Friday . My friend does shifts at Samaritans around her work.
Telling sahms that they should be volunteering when you don't is a bit off really.

But I agree with everything else.

Bickie

yes I know. Apparently making really good chocolates scores quite high too

sAHMs get a shockingly bad time on here. I dont really understand the defensive/ aggressive attitude tbh. I work but probably wont go back after my second child because two parents working high pressure jobs has put a lot of strain on our family. I enjoy looking after my husband and child and want to get involved with local politics, start my own business etc. I am no less valuable to society or my family for that.

All this assumption that the sahm raises indulged children while leaving herself vulnerable financially and of course brain dead and ambiton-free really irritates me. Sahm is what you make it but there should be no shame in wanting to be totally hands on in caring for your family, and that is not a criticism of wohm either.

It appears that your personal experience, Bonsoir, seems to be that the more 'complacent' parents happen to both work and the more 'realistic' ones have a SAHP- think I've understood your post correctly.

That is certainly not my experience at all, far from it.

There are many different ways of raising happy, functional children. There isn't one perfect recipe.

Mayisout:
'Also others do not feel they are scrounging from society they are living their life.'
I think you have proven AL's point entirely with this sentence.
That is the whole point. These women (generally women) are so insular and concerned only with living THEIR life that they do not see the bigger picture and consider others at all. Of course they do not see themselves as scrounging because they simply do not think!

Everyone gets a shockingly bad time

SAHMS
WOHMS
People on benefits
People who drive 4x4s
People who FF
People who BF
People who co-sleep
People who don't
People who CC
People who pick them up when they cry
People who wax their pubes
People who let it grow free
People who say "what"
People who say "pardon"

and so on........

I am reading AnnieL's posts more about being an attitude of mind rather than exactly how many hours voluntary work someone does per week (because as people rightly say, volunteering nowadays is quite a beaurocratic business whereby you need to commit to certain hours, perhaps be CRB checked etc) .

It's about viewing the world as bigger than just your biological offspring, where everyone elses children are some sort of threatening competition.

No, I didn't say that, sugarandspiced. Where did you get that from?

Fair enough, pag and may. It probably doesn't come across that way, but I'm not really trying to tell people who should volunteer and who shouldn't. But I genuinely, honestly and truly am baffled by people who aren't actively trying to make the world better for having been alive. And I will concede that many people who work certainly fall into this category too. I just suppose it to be easier for folk who don't work to help out, since they have more free time. I will label myself naive and shush now.