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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to see DH's friend & his family because of the way he overfeeds his DC?

61 replies

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 12:40

DH has recently made contact with an old friend and he's got 2 DC of similar age to our 2.

These boys are massively overweight as is DH's mate...the mother is not. She is skinny bordering on worryingly so.

When we catch up with the family, it's mainly so DH can see the mate...our kids aren't bothered about playing with the boys...they've not really clicked as the older is a bit too old for our oldest and the younger is a bit too young....they dont; gel.

DH really likes it when we ALL go to meet this family and seems to want me to be friends with the Mother....but she's a bit blank...a bit sort of vacuous and hile she is perfectly pleasant, she has nothing to say.

The Dad is nice but every time we go out ( we always meet at parks, beach and sometimes at one of our homes) he's buying his DC chips, lollies, sweets, sandwiches or happy meals...whatever...the kids don't ask..he suggests..."Oh Jack was SO good on that tram ride that I think he deserves a lolly"

"Oh Tom barely cried when he fell! So brave...what about some chips?"

THe Mother never says a word...she dumbly allows this huge overfeeding and it's making me sad as well as angry.

I told DH tonight that I would not be accompanying him to see the family tomorrow and the DC weren't that keen either.. they're not either...I asked.

DH wanted to know why and I told him that I didn't like seeing these lads get overfed and I didn't like the way our DDs whine for the same as what the boys are given....and I also do not like the way the Mother enables it all. AIBU because DH called me judgmental and lacking in empathy.

I just don't like meeting them. I am however prepared to be told if I am BU. ANd if so, then I will make the effort and put up with it. THough why he can't see his mate without us all coming is beyond me.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 02/01/2013 12:43

If you don't want to go, don't go. You obviously have nothing in common with them beyond your husbands' friendship, so why be bored all day?

Life is too short to spend it with people you don't like.

Although I agree with your husband that you're judgemental. But aren't we all?

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2013 12:44

Well you're certainly judgmental

But if you and the kids don't really get on that well with them, that's reason enough in itself not to bother seeing them.

How they feed their children shouldn't really come into it.

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 12:45

I don't see it as jugemental though...honestly. I understand that some people over eat....but it's a bit disturbing somehow.

OP posts:

ShatnersBassoon · 02/01/2013 12:45

A day out with them would be manageable, surely. Just prep your kids about not being greedy.

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 12:46

Worra but if you're spending time with a family it DOES come into it...its about shared time...all together.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2013 12:48

You're judging the way he feeds/treats the kids on a day out and you're judging his Wife for 'dumbly going along with it'.

You don't see that as judgmental?

As Tee said, everyone judges... but you might as well be honest with yourself.

MsVestibule · 02/01/2013 12:48

I think the fact that he overfeeds his children isn't enough of a reason to not see them. However, as neither you or your children get on with them particularly well and don't really want to see them, that definitely is!

If he wants to see his old friend, that's fine, but I would also be telling him to meet him on his own. But why have you told him at the last minute that you're not going? It will seem a bit odd when his friend thinks they're going to have a 'family day' but he turns up by himself.

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 12:48

Shatner I just say no....but being normal kids, they aren't happy to sit and watch another child eating an icecream or whatever...I don't mind my DC having an icecream but not right before lunch.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 02/01/2013 12:48

I do think you are very judgemental - it is none of your business what they feed their family - although your issues seem to be round the fact your DH wishes you to strike up a friendship with the woman, and she clearly isn't your sort, what with being a bit vacuous n'all

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 12:48

Is it bad to judge? Always a bad thing?

OP posts:

Xroads · 02/01/2013 12:49

I wouldn't be going, I have precious few days off, I wouldn't be spending one of them with people I didn't want to see tbh.

Is it that you have better things to be doing than spending it with a family you don't want to see?

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2013 12:49

Sorry no, how they choose to feed their own children during this 'shared time', is none of your business...so imo it doesn't come into it.

If you don't gel with them then fair enough but the rest is neither here nor there.

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 12:50

Holly no...that's really not the main issue at all...the main issue is the overeating thing. And her and him allowing this.

Is it bad of me to not want to be around this?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 12:51

It must be....I really can't see how it's ok for them to act this way. I just can't. And if it makes me judgy then so be it. Nobody has told me WHY it's bad for me to not want to see these parents act irresponsibly towards their DC.

OP posts:

timidviper · 02/01/2013 12:54

If you don't want to see them then don't but you are being judgemental and, as an overweight woman, may I say, quite unpleasantly sneery.

You don't know this families issues and rather than get to know them and watch out for any way to help if you think these children will suffer in the longterm or just be pleasant when with your DH's friends and overlook it you would sooner avoid them and sneer at their weight and unhealthy habits.

You sound a real charmer, I'm glad I don't have friends like you.

millie30 · 02/01/2013 12:54

It depends how often you see them I think, and how important it is to your DH. When I was a child I wouldn't have been given a choice if my parents wanted to visit family friends and I think it's a bit off of you actually to check that the DCs don't want to go before you have discussed it with your DH, especially when you already had plans in place.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2013 12:55

I don't think anyone is saying it's ok to encourage morbid obesity in your kids...just that it's none of your business.

Do you and your family avoid everyone who do things you don't agree with?

It must get tiresome.

JamieandtheMagiTorch · 02/01/2013 12:55

Aagh we are all judgemental about something. I can't really see an upside to overfeeding your children, so it would make me less inclined to feeling positive about someone i'd just met.

MsVestibule · 02/01/2013 12:57

the main issue is the overeating thing. And her and him allowing this. Is it bad of me to not want to be around this?

Well, it's not 'bad' but it wouldn't be a big issue for me. I would do as you're doing and say "no, you can't have one". Just tell your DH that you don't get on with them; it really is that simple. I have no doubt some people will disagree with how I parent, but as long as it doesn't directly impact them, (e.g. if I were to let my children run riot), I wouldn't expect them to stop seeing me because of that.

Cherriesarelovely · 02/01/2013 12:57

I know what you mean OP. Not with that particular issue but we have friends that we enjoy seeing but it doesn't really work with the kids for whatever reason. I don't think you are terrible for finding that difficult at all. Maybe just suggest your DH and his partner enjoy some time together. I don't see why the whole family should have to tag along.

Snazzynewyear · 02/01/2013 12:59

I don't get the 'you must never judge' thing myself. If it were really the case, we could close down AIBU altogether and probably a lot of the other sections as well.

If you don't get on with them and don't enjoy their company, there's no law that says you have to bear with it. How important is this likely to be to your dh? If they were family it might be different.

Snazzynewyear · 02/01/2013 13:00

The 'none of your business' principle would also close down pretty much all of MN if fully applied.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 02/01/2013 13:00

So what you're saying is that when they're in a 'treat' situation, like a day out, the dad buys a lot of food. It's not quite the crime of the century, is it? Everyone parents differently.

I'm not saying you should spend time with people you dislike, but it's a bit mean to tell your DP you now won't go with him and I think it was sly to ask the DCs what they thought too. Unless you ask them if they want to spend time with families where you are the 'main friend'.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2013 13:01

I don't think it's a case of 'you must never judge'...we all judge.

But imo it's not a reason to not want to see this family

Besides, the OP has a perfectly good reason to no want a day out with them...they don't gel.

Cherriesarelovely · 02/01/2013 13:01

It is also a question of degree, obviously all our kids are different and we are all different as parents. I think very rude or aggressive behaviour that is left unchecked is the only reason why we jave stopped seeing one family.

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