Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see DH's friend & his family because of the way he overfeeds his DC?

61 replies

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 12:40

DH has recently made contact with an old friend and he's got 2 DC of similar age to our 2.

These boys are massively overweight as is DH's mate...the mother is not. She is skinny bordering on worryingly so.

When we catch up with the family, it's mainly so DH can see the mate...our kids aren't bothered about playing with the boys...they've not really clicked as the older is a bit too old for our oldest and the younger is a bit too young....they dont; gel.

DH really likes it when we ALL go to meet this family and seems to want me to be friends with the Mother....but she's a bit blank...a bit sort of vacuous and hile she is perfectly pleasant, she has nothing to say.

The Dad is nice but every time we go out ( we always meet at parks, beach and sometimes at one of our homes) he's buying his DC chips, lollies, sweets, sandwiches or happy meals...whatever...the kids don't ask..he suggests..."Oh Jack was SO good on that tram ride that I think he deserves a lolly"

"Oh Tom barely cried when he fell! So brave...what about some chips?"

THe Mother never says a word...she dumbly allows this huge overfeeding and it's making me sad as well as angry.

I told DH tonight that I would not be accompanying him to see the family tomorrow and the DC weren't that keen either.. they're not either...I asked.

DH wanted to know why and I told him that I didn't like seeing these lads get overfed and I didn't like the way our DDs whine for the same as what the boys are given....and I also do not like the way the Mother enables it all. AIBU because DH called me judgmental and lacking in empathy.

I just don't like meeting them. I am however prepared to be told if I am BU. ANd if so, then I will make the effort and put up with it. THough why he can't see his mate without us all coming is beyond me.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 02/01/2013 13:01

"Is it bad of me to not want to be around this?"
No, of course it isn't.

I'm quite surprised by the number if people saying that the overfeeding is none of your business. Overfeeding to the detriment of a child's health is a form of abuse. Would you all take the view that this man hitting his children in front of you would also be none of your business? No, thought not.

And clearly, if this is happening in front of the OP's DC, then it is being presented as normal acceptable behaviour/eating, and they are going to whine ask for the same, so suddenly, in the DCs' eyes, OP is the bad guy for not following suit. No, I wouldn't choose for my children to be set such a bad example either. Or to take them somewhere that I know is going to end up with me being whined at.

I'm wondering why your DH is so determined that you and the DC accompany him. It's his friend, not yours, so I really don't get why he feels the need for an entourage.

YANBU.

orangerex · 02/01/2013 13:02

YANBU. I find some of the comments hard to understand!

TheMonster · 02/01/2013 13:06

What would bother me would be my children wanting the same.

jessjessjess · 02/01/2013 13:07

YANBU. I would have a massive issue with this and would struggle to hold my tongue.

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 13:07

whereyouleftit I think that because this friend and my DH had some really fun years together, they both wanted that to carry on into family time...as families...so they obviously thought they'd move to the next phase together.

It DOES feel very "off" in a way that I find hard to articulate...the overfeeding thing I mean. I have not once heard those boys ASK for the lolly or the chips or the burger...it's always the Dad offering them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 13:09

Eyeore it does make me irate when the DC ask for the same...they like lollies and chips etc but they're not everyday things...and I will only buy ONE treat type thing on a day out...so if they have for eg. fish and chips for lunch, then I wont also get them an icecream and crisps.

OP posts:
MikeOxardInTheSnow · 02/01/2013 13:11

Yanbu not to like or want to see them, but you are being judgemental and lacking empathy. Wife too thin and not assertive enough, husband and kids too fat, husband rewarding the kids too readily and with thr wrong stuff. You just sound like you are picking at every decision they make and it isn't your business. You do it quite nastily too, saying she 'dumbly goes along with it'. How rude and mean, have you considered maybe she just agrees?

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 13:13

Mike when I say "Dumbly" I mean silently...that's another way of saying silently. Maybe it wasnt the best way but I never meant she was stupid.

i don't think I'm being nasty....I just think she needs to wake up because her DH has an eating disorder and he's passed it on to the boys.

He can't see it perhaps...surely she can?

OP posts:
WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 02/01/2013 13:17

Being overweight is not an eating disorder.

LessMissAbs · 02/01/2013 13:19

You don't like them and they have off-putting personal habits. You're presumably ont a dutiful Victorian wife, lifes too short to spend your spare time with people you don't like.

I don't see whats wrong with being judgemental, as from judging people's behaviour can come discipline. I agree its not empathetic just to avoid them, so I'd be tempted to say something mild but to the point about the overeating.

I actually sympathise with you on this one because SIL and her family (except DH's brother) are the same, and I actually come away from spending time in their company a bit depressed and down, hence I only see them at Christmas now.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/01/2013 13:19

" this friend and my DH had some really fun years together, they both wanted that to carry on into family time...as families...so they obviously thought they'd move to the next phase together."
Well your DH can't have wanted it that much or they wouldn't have fallen out of contact, would they? So I suspect the friend is more of the driving force on this one, and your DH is happy to be reminded of his fun years and being younger (aren't we all? Grin).

You say the boys are "massively overweight" - I wonder if they are maybe a little bullied for it and the dad is seeking new friends for them, as much as rekindling his friendship with your DH? Sad, but not your responsibility.

Sometimes, I like my DH's friends' wives, and I become friendly with them; we socialise as families. Sometimes we're just very different people and DH socialises with that friend as two blokes. Your DH's friend's wife is not someone you would be friends with normally, and you shouldn't be made to force it. Neither should your children.

meddie · 02/01/2013 13:21

you dont like them, you dont have anything in common, so dont go out with thm. problem solved.

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 13:22

WeWilson of course being overweight is an eating disorder! Being underweight is not the only eating disorder.

OP posts:
Nellabutterfly · 02/01/2013 13:22

Does the husband use "treating" the kids as an excuse to join in with the treat? Sounds to me as though he's feeding his kids to enable his own overeating Sad If the mum is "worryingly" skinny then she may well have issues of her own.

You are being judgmental but understandably so imho, I can see why you wouldn't want to spend time around this family. You're not asking whether ywbu to call SS after all... let them get on with their behaviour, but why should you suffer from it?

CaptChaos · 02/01/2013 13:29

So DH has chums who you don't like. Your DC's got 'gel' with them, so don't hang out with them. DH can have lovely fun boys weekends where they can eat what they like and do what they like without fear or judgement, they'll enjoy it.

To bring their weight into it all makes you terribly judgy, but each to their own. I do feel that all you had to say was, don't like him, DC's don't get on, think the wife is a bit wet, go forth and have fun.

DamnBamboo · 02/01/2013 13:31

OP YANBU.

You don't get on with the mum, your DCs don't get on with their DCs and you don't want to continually have to say no whilst other kids sit there eating too much junk.

I don't think it's a big deal that you have made a judgement on this. If the other couple were repeatedly underfeeding their DCs to the point of ill health, would the OP be U to judge on that too?

I think not!

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 13:31

CaptChaos Hmm my DH can eat what he likes anyway...without needing "lovely fun boys weekends" in which to do it....though I wouldn't care if he did want to spend time with his mate alone. But he certainly eats what he wants without my input.

OP posts:
Revelsarethebest · 02/01/2013 13:32

To be honest, i think everyone is judgemental some of the time.

Its normal to comment on things like "look at what shes wearing etc, looks a right state"

And no yanbu to not want to spend time with them if you dont approve of the things they do.

malteserzz · 02/01/2013 13:34

YANBU as you don't really get on but the food thing wouldn't bother me, surely it's normal to have a few treats on a day out ? I'd just go along with it and if you're worried make sure the kids eat healthily the next day

Original poster
MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 13:41

malter I don't know? Is it? normal to have a nice lunch and then an icecream, Not normal to have icecream, crisps, chips or happy meal before lunch!

OP posts:
Pantomimedam · 02/01/2013 13:43

You don't like them and don't enjoy their company, so fair enough to tell dh that you'd rather he meet up with his friends on his own. But you do sound terribly judgy about the food thing. So they allow more treats on a day out than you do, big deal. Different people make different decisions. You also seem to be targetting most of your disapproval at the mother for 'allowing' this rather than the father who actually does it, which is interesting...

Tryharder · 02/01/2013 13:48

YABU.

While it is your right to privately disagree with what this family eats and what they look like, you are being downright nasty to refuse to see them on this basis.

Have you not considered that to spend a few hours with this family would be a nice thing to do for your DH given that the Dad is his old friend? Noone is saying you have to be bezzie mates with the wife but surely, an afternoon spent in their company is not asking too much?

Are you embarrassed to be seen with fat people?

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 02/01/2013 13:48

Still don't really get this.

You don't like them - ok just say to dh 'sorry but I don't want to come along with the kids anymore'.

You object to the over feeding - ok but your kids aren't the ones being stuffed with junk food as you're the parent and in charge. Or if you do go along with the treats it's once in a blue moon so won't have a detrimental affect on your kids.

You are worried about their kids - not much you can do about it unless you say something which will cause world war three.

I think what people are saying about you being judgemental is that there is no real issue here at all (for you), you just sound like you wanted to come on here and bitch about a fat/thin/vacuous family in a holier than thou, sniffy way.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/01/2013 13:51

YANBU.

Because it's not merely about the food,they are clearly not your kind of people.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/01/2013 13:53

YANBU - I wouldn't want my kids to see that sort of overeating as normal either. It is a judgement but then parenting is all about making judgements about what's best for your kids. I think you should encourage the DHs to get together alone, maybe in the evening?