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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried about going to NYC with DH as he has been there with his exW?

63 replies

pinksquidge · 01/01/2013 16:54

have NC as i am embarassed, worried that people will think i am nuts, and am more than expecting an arse kicking

i have wanted to go to NYC for years and DH and I are going in a few weeks for our wedding anniversary (child free) . it should be amazing and when we booked it a few weeks ago i was beyond excited

i am really looking forward to it but as it is getting nearer to us going, i am starting to worry that i will get arsey and jealous knowing the last time he was there was with his ex. and i will be wanting him to have a BETTER time there with me, and feeling under pressure (solely of my own making) to make it better than when he was there with his Exw.

i should add that i suffer from jealousy anyway (ie of his exes) i know its irrational and nuts but my stomach is actually knotting up even writing this post

has anyone else ever felt like this? or even just felt weird if they have been somewhere significant that their dp / dh has been with an ex?

OP posts:

Numberlock · 01/01/2013 16:57

Who chose the destination or did you agree it together?

Schmoozer · 01/01/2013 16:57

Maybe im weird, but i dont think that would bother me,
Me and dp have been to lots of places that he went with his ex,
It was of no relevance to me,
That he had been there before, other than tips about what was where...

jessjessjess · 01/01/2013 17:00

YABU. And a little bit obsessive, frankly.

This is your wedding anniversary and you have children together, so it's not like you're in a brand-new relationship. But you feel jealous because he once went there with someone else?

You're right. It is irrational and it is going to spoil things for you if you don't get under control. Why is it significant? Did he and his ex build the city, or something?

If I never did anything with my DH that he did with his ex, I'd be the one missing out.

PrincessAnastasia · 01/01/2013 17:02

I've been to New York loads of times, last time was in October.

Each time was completely different.

You will have an incredible time! Please don't worry.

(Also just as a side note make a list of everything the two of you want to do and organise which days you'd like to do it on. You can do and see loads in NY but to avoid disappointment make sure you plan)

PackItInNow · 01/01/2013 17:09

Turn the fact he has been there before, into something positive. At least he has a fair idea of where to go and what to see, so in essence, you've married your own personal tour guide to NYC.

The fact he has been there before with his XW shouldn't be seen as negative either, the positive side of this is also that she is his EX for a reason. He chose you over her and that is what you should be smiling about.

HTH

izzybobsmum · 01/01/2013 17:17

Don't worry about it. I've been with my DH to loads of the same places he went with his ex - same hotels and everything. He's with you, not her. If he's like my DH, he'll be looking forward to making some new memories with you!!!

Adviceinscotland · 01/01/2013 17:17

Well a sure fire way to make sure he does not have as good a time with you is to turn up like a crazy jealous loony!

Obviously his ex was not "all that" seeing as now he is with you.

FestiveElement · 01/01/2013 17:18

If you are aware you will get arsey and jealous then you should be able to recognise those feelings brewing in yourself and stop them ruining your trip. Try to remain as self aware as you can and don't let this become a self fulfilling prophecy, because it would be a real shame if you spoiled the trip out of worry that you were going to spoil the trip.

There are so many things to do in NY that you are bound to discover new things together.

FWIW, I went to NY with two ex's and with DH when we first got together. Going with DH was the best, because he is the one I love the most! And he took me to South Street Sea Port and on a helicopter trip, which I had never done before, and really enjoyed. He went to South Street Sea Port with his ex, which was actually a good thing because I'd never have thought of going down there, but I really liked the smaller shops and the street artists.

Think of things to do that he didn't do before.

mumandboys123 · 01/01/2013 17:51

weird. my ex took the 'other woman' to the same hotel we got married in, half way round the world, a week short of our wedding anniversary. No idea if she knew or not.

He's not very good at being original, that's for sure. Not very romantic and no imagination. There's a whole world out there. Why go to the same places again and again?

misterwife · 01/01/2013 18:46

I agree with FestiveElement. At least you have flagged the issue and are aware of it. Maybe going on the trip will help you in dealing with it.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 01/01/2013 18:48

Maybe give him bumsex on the first night there?
Only joking but hopefully it made you smile a little

HecatePropolos · 01/01/2013 18:53

You are being totally nuts.

And I, after 14 years of being married, STILL won't go to a particular seaside resort because I saw a picture of him on a coach trip there and it was taken by his then fiancee, and he looked really happy.

So I will join you on the crazy bench.

It is ridiculous, childish and more than a little crazy.

And I know exactly how you feel!

FestiveElement · 01/01/2013 18:58

If someone posted this saying that their male DP was that jealous, the thread would be full of posts about alarm bells and controlling behaviour.

MrsMelons · 01/01/2013 19:04

A colleague of mine doesn't go on holiday with his 2nd wife as she will not go anywhere that he may have been with his XW, she is absolutely crazy.

YANBU to be honest on MN about how you feel but YWBU not to go to places because of this jealousy.

It is crazy - but we can all be a bit crazy a times I am sure and it is only controlling behviour if you were refusing to go and telling your DH that you wouldn't go to places he has been with his XW.

I went to NY for the first time with XH then got engaged to current DH there!!!

Property

curiousuze · 01/01/2013 19:20

Can you explain to your husband that you're worried about your jealousy popping up and you're embarrassed and sorry in advance? If you know he'll be understanding it might stop you having some of the bad feelings.

Anyway you don't sound that bad. My DH's ex was really jealous. I once bought a bottle of bleach that has her name as the brand name and he told me that if she (his ex) had been me she wouldn't have had it in the house. A bottle of bleach for the big pan! Now that's mental.

curiousuze · 01/01/2013 19:21

And by 'big pan' I mean 'bog pan'. I don't bleach my pans.

Original poster

pinksquidge · 02/01/2013 09:53

property :o @ give him bumsex hmmmm maybe that would be an idea though.....he does like it and i rarely give it him and i bet she didnt the stuck up cow

in seriousness though, i don't want to tell him how i feel as he won't understand, and also think i am being nuts. i don't know why it bugs me so much. its not his fault what he did before he even knew me

TBH if i had already been to NYC, I wouldn't go with him. But as I have never been, and its somewhere i have always wanted to go, and i don't intend going with anyone else, thats why we chose to go.

My exDH was a tight, stingy bastard and never took me on holiday, so I spent my 20's never going abroad. Since being with now-DH we have been to quite a few cool places abroad I never thought I would go, but this is the first one that he has been to with his ex.

Also, he claims their relationship was mostly shit, which begs the question, why would you take someone to NY who you didn't even like much?

OP posts:

BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers · 02/01/2013 10:27

You are being mental.

If you take this to its logical conclusion then you'd better nit go to the supermarket/local town/pub with him in case he went there with his ex.

This is something that would have drove me crazy in the early days if my relationship with DH but you do have to realise at some point that you're inky ruining things for yourself!

Enjoy your anniversary!

BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers · 02/01/2013 10:27

Inky?! ONLY!

ZZZenAgain · 02/01/2013 10:31

this is a bit obsessive you know. You are not competing with an ex, sexually or otherwise. Look up some interesting places to go and things to do there and put the energy into planning and research that you are now putting into these frankly a bit bizarre thoughts.

Make up your mind to have a good time, count to 20 before you say/do anything jealousy related and pull yourself together. You always wanted to go to NY and you are going, so it is in your power to have a good time or to ruin it.

Fakebook · 02/01/2013 10:33

As long as he doesn't spend the whole trip talking about how "different it all is from last time" or go "oh last time I came here so and so happened", I wouldn't worry. If you think he'll do this, then tell him not to mention "last time" during the trip.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/01/2013 10:50

I sort of 'get' this. You want brilliant experiences to be 'firsts' for both of you and it maybe takes the shine off, thinking that he has done it all before. If you go down this route you will drive yourself crazy - everyone on a second marriage/relationship has done stuff before. The only way out of that is to marry a virgin who grew up sheltered from all fun experiences in life.

His experience with you will be completely different to his experience with his ex, because you and she are different people. I would stop thinking about what they may and may not have done in NY and decide what I wanted to do (maybe ask dh what he'd like to do too, ). Don't give her power over your life by changing long held ambitions because of her.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 02/01/2013 10:56

YABU for letting yourself get so worked up over a non issue. You risk spoiling the trip of a lifetime.

I went to New York with my ex a year before we split up - the relationship wasn't great but that doesn't mean you can't have a holiday!

On the other side - I have been to places with DH that I had been to with my ex and I wasn't compareing the two! I can say though that being in a fantastic place with the wrong person is never as good as with the right person!!

Relax and let yourself enjoy this trip!

DolomitesDonkey · 02/01/2013 11:07

YABU.

Do you avoid Tesco or Milton Keynes because he went with his ex? Do you not travel by car because once upon a time his wife rode shotgun?

C',mon - you have an amazing holiday coming up, don't be daft!

SarahWarahWoo · 02/01/2013 11:23

Don't get worked up about it, pre book a helicopter trip as that was amazing and cheaper if pre booked. Stop thinking about his ex, she isn't important in his life now.

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