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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried about going to NYC with DH as he has been there with his exW?

63 replies

pinksquidge · 01/01/2013 16:54

have NC as i am embarassed, worried that people will think i am nuts, and am more than expecting an arse kicking

i have wanted to go to NYC for years and DH and I are going in a few weeks for our wedding anniversary (child free) . it should be amazing and when we booked it a few weeks ago i was beyond excited

i am really looking forward to it but as it is getting nearer to us going, i am starting to worry that i will get arsey and jealous knowing the last time he was there was with his ex. and i will be wanting him to have a BETTER time there with me, and feeling under pressure (solely of my own making) to make it better than when he was there with his Exw.

i should add that i suffer from jealousy anyway (ie of his exes) i know its irrational and nuts but my stomach is actually knotting up even writing this post

has anyone else ever felt like this? or even just felt weird if they have been somewhere significant that their dp / dh has been with an ex?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 07/01/2013 09:57

Glad to hear you are trying to control this a bit.

I'm not sure that you should be trying to hide your thoughts and feelings from your dh though, to quite this extent. He could maybe help you if you told him some of what you are feeling.

Do you know why they split up? Perhaps it would help you to talk to your dh about what their relationship was like, so you don't build it up into this perfect union in your head. There is a reason why they are no longer together and your dh is clearly very happy with you. It doesn't sound like he is pining for his ex, so somehow you need to stop building her up in to someone important, because she isn't now. She is in the past and you are your dh's future.

I think in your position I would be trying to find proper strategies for dealing with jealousy - maybe counselling again. It can be a bit hit and miss I think - a crap one is worse than useless but if you find a good one then it could really help you get to grips with this.

Best of luck. I really hope the trip goes well

YouOldSlag · 07/01/2013 10:13

OP- You are doing well to swallow all these questions, but as karma says, you might be romanticising their relationship. Think of your relationship with your ex. It probably doesn't even compare to what you have now does it? So your DH probably feels the same about his ex. He's probably excited about taking you and not her, and yes, you probably will go past or visit places he has been before, but I bet he won't be noticing these things or wishing he was with his ex!

Give yourself some credit. He chose you over her. You won. Enjoy it and enjoy him.

People who "don't understand" jealousy are very lucky. Nobody chooses to feel those awful, sick feelings. At least you are self aware OP.

strumpetpumpkin · 07/01/2013 10:40

ahh i felt all jealous a couple of years ago, I booked to go to Nice with DP and he then told me thats where he had been on his honeymoon with his ex. I almost felt like cancelling.

Didnt though and it was amazing. I didnt even think of it when we were there. It was still really special for both of us

strumpetpumpkin · 07/01/2013 10:41

just remember, we ALL had happy times before we met our partners. Most of us have loved more than once. It doesnt make what we have now any less special.

Pandemoniaa · 07/01/2013 10:55

just remember, we ALL had happy times before we met our partners. Most of us have loved more than once. It doesnt make what we have now any less special.

This.

Please stop thinking about holidays that your dh took with his former fiance. Clearly the relationship didn't work out or you'd not be happily married to him yourself, would you? To be brutally honest, I'd be very surprised if you don't go past the street where they stayed or visit some of the same tourist attractions because NYC is not the hugest place in the world. But the important thing to keep in mind is that you are making your happy memories on this trip. Not burdening yourself with what has gone before and which you can do nothing about anyway.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/01/2013 11:01

I really think you need to sort this jealousy thing. You sound an utter loon and you are spoiling your life by continuously trying to measure up, be better, and so on.

DH has an ex-wife. I know where they have been on holiday - some of those places are places I really want to go to. DH really wants us to go to one place in particular, because he loved it but has awful memories because it was near the end of their marriage and they had a horrible time. He wants to go again with me to make some new memories so that he can think of that beautiful place with happiness rather than anger and sadness.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 11:06

Gosh, how the heck do you manage to sleep with him, knowing that "someone has been there before" ?

Weird. And very damaging.

Pandemoniaa · 07/01/2013 11:14

Alibaba makes a very good point.

DP and I took our first short holiday together in a well known seaside town in Suffolk. While there, we discovered that, when our former marriages were at the collapsing stage (we didn't know each other at the time) we'd separately had a huge argument with our exes outside a particular landmark. This time around we had a brilliant holiday and said how happy we were to leave that town with such happy memories and put the unpleasant visit well in the past.

Now I'm not saying that your dh and his former fiance will have had an unpleasant visit to NYC. But I am saying that very positive things can come from revisiting places that one or both of you have been before. But you do have to put the past where it belongs. In the past.

Original poster

pinksquidge · 07/01/2013 16:54

Weird. And very damaging

yes i know that anyfucker thats why i am trying my absolute hardest to get over it. its an absolutely horrible, pointless emotion and i do not want to feel like this. and i certainly don't want DH to bear the brunt of it which is why i keep it from him, as its not like he has done anything wrong.

and i completely agree with alibaba as well and anyone else who has said i am being a loon. and i don't want it to spoil my life.

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 07/01/2013 17:02

I feel very sorry for you OP. Jealous is a horrible painful emotion born out of fear. I used to be like that (as did my DH) and we have both calmed down as our marriage has lasted and we feel more secure.

It can often stem from your childhood, or from past painful experiences and you musn't beat yourself up about it. Help is out there and I do sympathise as you sound like you are in pain over this.

It's no good when people just tell you off for being jealous. That never works! However there are books and counselling available and your DH sounds like a good one. Good luck. Something tells me he will love showing his favourite city to a first timer that he loves so much!

AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 17:07

Get some counselling. Seriously.

Nancy66 · 07/01/2013 17:36

Well at least you acknowledge that you're nuts!

i doubt your husband even remembers how long he went for last time or where he went.

When my other half booked our first weekend away not only was it to the same city he went with his ex it was the same suite in the same hotel...

his logic was that he'd been there before and knew it was good.

Nil points for originality but didn't matter, still had a great time.

ClaraOswinOswald · 07/01/2013 18:13

It is a bit nuts but also understandable. But he is with you now, he is choosing to go there with you and won't be drawing any comparisons. Go, have a fabulous time and don't mention the ex, as I bet you he won't be thinking about her.

I would love to go to NY so am a teeny bit jealous. You will have such a good time. :)

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