to be worried about going to NYC with DH as he has been there with his exW?

[pinksquidge]

have NC as i am embarassed, worried that people will think i am nuts, and am more than expecting an arse kicking

i have wanted to go to NYC for years and DH and I are going in a few weeks for our wedding anniversary (child free) . it should be amazing and when we booked it a few weeks ago i was beyond excited

i am really looking forward to it but as it is getting nearer to us going, i am starting to worry that i will get arsey and jealous knowing the last time he was there was with his ex. and i will be wanting him to have a BETTER time there with me, and feeling under pressure (solely of my own making) to make it better than when he was there with his Exw.

i should add that i suffer from jealousy anyway (ie of his exes) i know its irrational and nuts but my stomach is actually knotting up even writing this post

has anyone else ever felt like this? or even just felt weird if they have been somewhere significant that their dp / dh has been with an ex?

I think YABU - theres lots to do, so you wont necessarily follow the same itinerary.

Just think, even better if they rowed a lot and didnt get on as he will probably be delighted to go to a place that he went with his ex and have a fantastic time this time. He wont be thinking of what he did with her.

I speak from experience as one of the hotels DH and I stayed in on our honeymoon in Indonesia was a hotel I had stayed at with my exDH. The hotel was so utterly lovely I really wanted to go there again with someone I actually liked this time, DH thought it looked lovely and didnt mind. I cant say I spent any time thinking about my ex while we were there, we did different things completely.

Does your dh have any part in keeping you jealous? I only ask because I had one who definitely did and it works to their advantage. Fr example you are determined that he will have a better time with you and the bumsex etc. having two women competing for his affection is ideal for him even if one of them is only a memory. Does he talk about her? Things they did together? Even disparagingly? But keeping her present in your mind. Or is it just you? By the way the highline is absolutely wonderful and is only open a few years so a new place to go!

Here's a comforting story from the other side of the fence OP.

I once went to Prague with an ex. it was a stunningly beautiful city, very romantic, but his company kind of ruined it for me. He wanted space so we could spend the afternoon apart, and he was distant and quiet. TBH being there with the wrong person just makes me want to revisit it with my wonderful DH as it's a lovely city and I would really like to be there with someone who is the RIGHT person, so I can watch his face looking around and seeing the beauty I did the first time I went there.

Perhaps your DH loves the city and really thinks he would enjoy it so much more with you, the RIGHT person. It's wonderful to share a city you love with a person you really love too.

FWIW I understand jealousy. I know it's not rational, but people telling you you're wrong to feel it doesn't help. Read my post ^^ and think how much your DH must be looking forward to going with YOU. He has chosen you over her. You don't need to do anything to be any more amazing.

Also, he claims their relationship was mostly shit, which begs the question, why would you take someone to NY who you didn't even like much?

You are overthinking this. The last years of my marriage to my dcs's father were shit. However, if I avoided all the nice places were visited (and mainly argued in!) I'd turn great chunks of the country into no-go areas.

You can't worry about why they went to NYC. Which, while being a great city, is a place that lots of people visit with their partners, regardless of the state of their relationships.

Just live for now and enjoy every moment of your trip. You can alter the past so don't let it tarnish the present.

If I didn't go anywhere DH and exes had been or me and my exes had been then We would be left with v boring places to visit.

I don't think you are being crazy, I do get where you are coming from. These sort of experiences are 'a few times in a lifetime' type chances, and are utterly memorable for that reason. Who you are there with and how you feel at the time is important and experiences like travel help shape who we are. It's not the same as going to tesco or whatever - that is a routine, mundane, forgettable chore, not a one off amazing trip. I get exactly where the OP is coming from and have thought the same things, and I am the least jealous person around - DH has total freedom, loads of female friends etc.

In saying all of that - please don't fret OP. Ok, so he went with his ex, a long time ago. He is going now with you. It will be a different experience altogether. Together you will forge new memories of NY and that's what matters. His last visit makes up part of his past, you can't change that and you can't expect him to totally forget it, even if you want him to. It doesn't make up his present or his future - you do. Don't let it affect you. Have an amazing trip!

Exes are exes for a reason. The two of you are together and have a family, so enjoy your holiday and all of the new memories you will make. Enjoy your 'alone' time together!

karma has nailed it with You want brilliant experiences to be 'firsts' for both of you and it maybe takes the shine off, thinking that he has done it all before.

this is how i feel. he is 10 years older than me, and he has done the lot with his ex wife., been married, bought a house, travelled, had kids etc. whereas i haven't (well, i had a very brief first marriage but we were just kids really, and i have a dc with exh but we split shortly after dc birth). and it does bother me, even though he says everything he has done with me has been better than with her. i know its mad and illogical as, as people have said, his life experience has made him the person he is, the person i love.

and always, with this These sort of experiences are 'a few times in a lifetime' type chances, and are utterly memorable for that reason. Who you are there with and how you feel at the time is important and experiences like travel help shape who we are. It's not the same as going to tesco or whatever - that is a routine, mundane, forgettable chore, not a one off amazing trip

thats just it. we probably have been to some of the same places he went with his ex as in towns, shops, pubs etc. but as always says, these are mundane. places like new york are iconic, and memorable

i am well jealous of his exW anyway, as she gave him his firstborn DC, she was the first one he wanted to marry, she was the first one he had a family with. i really do dislike her. which i know is mad as he didnt even know me back then as i say. (in fact i would have beeen about 14 years old when they got married lol :o ) and i wish i didn't, its a horrible feeling. i wish there was a pill for jealousy :(

but i have taken all the posts on board and i really appreciate the advice given so far

Both my DH and I had been to New York with our exes the year before we got together. We both had a rubbish time with our exes. We went again a couple of years after getting together and both had a great time. Holidays are about who you're with - if you're with the wrong person, no amount of sightseeing makes up for it. And this first stuff, while kind of understandable, is also kind of babyish. Just go to New York with the man you love - how good is that?

(PS: I know this is picky, but it bugged me that you said your tight ex 'never took you on holiday'. I've never been, nor wish to be, taken on holiday by a man in my life. Why wouldn't you just pay for yourself?)

YANBU to feel like you do.

DH and I are also going to NYC this year for our anniversary, and I'm really pleased that it's a "first" for both of us. I think I would have some of your feelings had he already been there with an ex.

You have to remember that this will be a totally different experience being there with you though. I would find out what he did last time - under the guise of not wanting to duplicate the entire trip - and plan to do things he didn't do last time.
For example, I bet the High Line wasn't there when he went before, so do that. Did he do the mostly touristy stuff with his ex? Then make sure to visit some neighbourhoods too - Greenwich Village, the Lower East Side, Harlem, Williamsburg in Brooklyn etc. You can totally create a memorable experience for the two of you.

Same as pinkdelight - went to NYC with an ex, loved the city, loved it's potential. Hated going with the ex. We argued non stop, and i really saw the mean, selfish side of him there. Holidays can be very make or break!

Went for work in January, had a blast, did everything I wanted to do on my own. But did get more out of the visit knowing my bearings.

But one thing to remember - New York is a constantly changing city, so no visit is ever the same I think...it will be massively different to their visit.

Will return with my dh and ds this year, and that visit will be different again as we'll have a kids perspective.

And ask yourself, - are you really going to waste some precious alone time with your dh on this?

I am trying to think of anyone I know with the name Domestos, Vim, Ajax following the bleach post!!! Was her name double barreled? Toilet-Duck???

Would you prefer it if he was 'new out of the box' and had had no experience of anything with anyone at all up to now? Of course not, because that WOULD be batshit crazy. Unless you're both 10 with no history then you're going to be lucky indeed to find an experience that either one of you hasn't shared with someone else at some stage.
I'm afraid you need to get a grip - this kind of obsessive nonsense will be unfathomable to your DH and you seriously risk making him run 100 miles in the other direction.

I do find your attitude a little odd really (sorry)
You are jealous because he has been married before and had a child before, yet you have been married before and had a child before.
Brilliant experiences don't have to be firsts. They can be brilliant in themselves. Sometimes 'firsts' can be awful.
Its a city thats all.
If it really bugs you, don't go to New York, go somewhere else.

What's interesting is that this is your second husband. So did he express any jealous thoughts that your wedding wouldn't be special, because you had done it all before with an ex??

I'm trying really hard to be empathetic here.
But I can't.

You're going to New York, with your husband. A man who presumably loves you and whom you love. And for your anniversary.
And you're worried that it won't be that 'special' because he went there with his ex-wife.

Is it wrong for me to tell you to just be bloody grateful? Stop worrying and just go.

Or alternatively, cancel, and go somewhere else.

i am well jealous of his exW anyway, as she gave him his firstborn DC, she was the first one he wanted to marry, she was the first one he had a family with. i really do dislike her. which i know is mad as he didnt even know me back then as i say. (in fact i would have beeen about 14 years old when they got married lol ) and i wish i didn't, its a horrible feeling. i wish there was a pill for jealousy

Bless you but this is really nutty And you know it is! I wonder if there is counselling for this sort of thing? It's a bit obsessive... I imagine you could go for a talking cure to get rid of the knots in your stomach.

As someone up there said - NYC is HUGE. It's not like a tiny hotel on a picturesque island where he honeymooned while you were choosing your GCSE's

i am well jealous of his exW anyway, as she gave him his firstborn DC, she was the first one he wanted to marry, she was the first one he had a family with. i really do dislike her. which i know is mad as he didnt even know me back then as i say. (in fact i would have beeen about 14 years old when they got married lol ) and i wish i didn't, its a horrible feeling. i wish there was a pill for jealousy

You are crazy!!

He married you, he loves you why does what went on before bother you?

DH married his first wife in Florida, we got married in Florida too, my decision, i love the place.

Everyone was asking if i was sure, wouldn't i mind?!

I never understood it.

It was a different venue though

I have been to loads of places with my dh that he had been to with his ex wife,it's not the places that make a holiday,it's the people you spend time with,otherwise we would all holiday alone.

YABU. Have you thought about talking to someone about your anxiety?

thanks for the multiple arse kickings

and i am also both glad and sorry to hear there are a few others as nutty jealous as me.....

i do wish there was a pill for jealousy though. i have suffered it all my life with boyfriends TBH although never more than since being with dh. i hide it from him mostly because there is nothing more offputting than someone being clingy and jealous, which i have suffered from the other side too. and i do feel like i have to compete with his ex and be better in every way, its pathetic, i know

so i know i probably need proper help, to help me deal with and get over these pointless feelings. i have actually tried counselling (both through the NHS and relate) and it was SHIT and seemed utterly pointless!

You have to think about why you have a similar past to your H (1st marriage, child) and yet you 'explain this away' by saying "we were young", "split after DC birth" as to why it doesn't really count on your side.
I'm not saying you wish your child away, buy maybe he loves his DC but can sometimes wish he'd waited until he met you to do it all first. He knows he can't though so just gets on with things.

This trip will only Be ruined by you and only if you let it. You almost seemed resigned to it. Have you done any planning? You need to as its a huge place and to see as much as you can needs planning.
So rather than turn up, let him take he lead and then quietly stew on "is he suggesting this because he went with EXW". Get a guide book out and make a list together.

I've been to NYC twice and the 2nd time I wasn't too bothered as I'd been there and done that, or so I thought.
The 2Nd time was amazing, I was with people who'd never been and to see them fall in love with it was amazing, I did so much that I hadn't done the 1st time, the people I went with the 2nd time, made me love it again.

OP , there is a good book called Jealousy by Windy Dryden, available on Amazon. Me and DH were both madly jealous when we met, and both had turbulent insecure upbringings and had both been cheated on. After 7 years together it's calmed down a lot.

It's all too easy for people to simply tell you that you shouldn't be jealous or that it is wrong. That simply doesn't work. Jealousy is fear and is a valid emotion that needs to be dealt with as it can be destructive.

I know exactly what you mean about wishing there was a pill for it. me and DH are so much better now, but neither of us discuss our exes in front of each other. We really suit each other!

been meaning to come back and update (if anyone's interested :o )

well i have been feeling quite a lot better about it since i have confessed on here how i have been feeling. thank god for mumsnet. i couldn't ever imagine telling any of my RL friends this as they would definitely be shocked and think i was being mental.

we have started planning together where we are going to go. i have not told him how i feel as i dont want to cast a shadow on our trip. i keep getting moments where i want to ask him questions about "last time" - but i am "conscious" of them so when they come into my head i consciously "swallow" them before i speak them

for example, we are going for 5 nights and i wanted to ask how long he went with his ex for (hoping it would be for less time ) - but i didn't. in case i didnt like the answer.

and we are staying near times square and i wanted to ask where abouts he stayed last time (hopeing it would be somewhere not as good ) - but i didn't. as didnt want to be there and then walk past the street they stayed on or something.