To think this is awful to say to a 4 yr old

[Alwaysasking]

Ds has spent Christmas with his dad, I was talking to him on the phone tonight and ex told ds if he's naughty he will throw me on the train track. Ds was very upset, I was saying to ds daddy was being silly and of course he wouldn't but ex was saying "if you're naughty I will". This was as he was putting ds to bed, so my poor boy will be lying there terrified. I feel sick, just want to go and grab ds (ex lives 300 miles away). Ds is coming home tomorrow, but I am so uncomfortable with what ex has said. Ds is scared! WWYD?

I am shocked that a parent would say that to a child. I would be thinking about seeking some legal advice and thinking about contact visits that don't involve overnight stays.
That sort of thing over a long period of time can have serious consequences. You only have to look at your ex to see how it messes people up.

What a horrible horrible thing to say to a small boy! OF course he's going to believe it, he's no reason not to - and if, God forbid, anything were to happen to you, OP, he'd believe forever more that it was somehow his fault.

That's a positively evil thing to put in a small boy's mind and I think you should definitely go to the solicitor again and re-consider contact, especially with him being so far away and you not really knowing what goes on while he's with his Dad. As you have heard it yourself, it's not exactly "a mercurial 4 year old possibly making up stories" - so I would definitely be doing something about it.

Poor child. I think I'd go and get him in the morning to reassure him that I was ok, tbh.

that's horrible. I think I'd be looking at limiting contact. I hope your ds is ok.

Define "naughty" at 4 you'd be terrified to move, I tell my kids they are naughty when they get up and down out of bed, I don't want them wetting the bed though because they think they will actually be killed if they get up to the loo in the night.

I thimk you can't let this go without saying anything to your ex. I wouldn't want to make a scene in front of your ds, so confronting him when he brings ds back is probably a bad idea but your ex needs to know this is not acceptable.
Can you ring his gf and speak to her? Or send him a letter so he knows exactly how you feel.
I also think you need to talk to ds and tell him that daddy was wrong to say what he did and that he doesn't really mean it and he won't be saying it again.

So your son never wants to go there and now you know he has told him his mother will be killed horrifically if he doesn't behave. God only knows what other things he has said or perhaps done to get the results he wants. I doubt your poor DS's issues will be helped by being around such an abusive and emotionally damaging freak.

Being the bio parent does not give you automatic rights to the child, nor, sadly, does it make you fit to be a parent. He acted like the sperm donor when you got pg and it sounds like he should've stayed just that.

There is another serious aspect to this too - he is not just emotionally and mentally abusing your child, he is emotionally and mentally abusing and controlling you too now from afar. He knows how intolerable what he has said to your DS is for you and knows now you will do anything to stop him saying such things. I think he has been getting a kick out of terrifying your DS but now he needs a stronger 'fix' and wants to step up how many people he hurts and how much he hurts. Sadly, his childhood sounds like he will have learnt such behaviour as normal.

No-one who would treat a child this way deserves to be around them, much less have them to stay. It's not just the outright cruelty of such a statement, but what it implies that is truly scary - that this man has absolutely no idea of how to treat an especially vulnerable child with even the most rudimentary levels of care and respect. I actually find it sinister. A child's whole world is its mother - to force him to believe that his behaviour controls whether his world ends or not is pretty much the ultimate in emotional abuse. This could already be an event which fucks him up as an adult.

Yes, I agree. I wish I had expressed it as strongly as OxfordBags.

Santa sorry you had such an awful time but it is clear that we are talking about two very different things. I'll bow out of this thread now as it's not fair on the OP to derail it with a sub issue.

Why is everyone getting so upset about Funny's post?
When I was younger and I was pushing the boundaries a bit my mum would threaten to break my legs. It was obviously a joke and I am in no way emotionally scared.

Santa just because you felt that way doesn't mean other people do

My father used to batter my mum and on occasion me that was something that would make me afraid. Not someone making a joke.

Santa your experience is obviously very sad and traumatic but not generalisable.. Many many parents joke with their children like this and most children are well able to understand the humour. Not quite the same thing, but we constantly talk nonsense to our kids 'oh look it's the hippo in the garden again' when the neighbours cat passes by type thing. They find it hilarious. Or I tell them we must rush off to hospital this instant if they bump their head slightly. They give me amused withering looks - even by 2 and 4 they know hospital is only for serious things. A personality disorder must be a terrible thing to live with but is it extremely unfair to another parent to suggest that light-hearted banter with their children is equivalent to emotional abuse - it categorically is not.

Let us know how the handover goes OP. Obviously you shouldn't create a scene in front of DS but you definately need to tell him calmly and firmly that things are going to change from now on!

OP - it won't help now (and I have nothing to add to the other excellent advice on here) but long term this will only backfire on ex as your DS will learn not to believe his threats and consequently anything else he says. He won't actually throw you on a train line (i am assuming) especially not because of a misbehaving 4 year old. If those kind of threats continue it will only undermine his authority over his son. The poor little mite. hope he's okay.

Thanks for replies, ds is home and mentioned it himself quite quicky. We live with my mum/sister and he went straight to my sister to tell her 'daddy's going to throw mummy on the train track and I won't see her again'. I have tried my best to explain to him daddy was naughty to say that and of course he won't throw me on the train track, I said daddy was just joking and it wasn't a funny joke and dp (ds' idle) would save mummy if she was on the track. It's really hard as I'm not sure how much ds if understanding of what I'm telling him.

I didn't get a chance to speak to ex at handover, he refused to talk saying he needed to get back and drove off, he won't be contactable for another week now either.

Yes he will, write him a letter. Tell him he's seriously risking his contact here, op, you must make this stop one way or another.Glad your boy is home.

I will, may email so then I have proof of it. I know, I am terrified of ds being fucked up by him and am so angry with ex.

Uhm I think if this were my child I would be in the car now going to pick him up tonight and there is no way I would ever let him go back. I wouldn't leave my child in an abusive situation over night.

Your poor DS. Glad he is home ok.... Just keep reassuring him it won't happen snd that Daddy was being silly. It can take a whille for little ones to forget something that upsets them, so he may well mention it for a few weeks / months. Until Ex understands what he had done and how horrific it is then i would not allow him up see DS alone. My DC godmother is a family law solicitor and does free consultations do if you don't have one get a recommendation and go and ask them proper legal advice. All parents have thought or said things in the heat if the moment, that in reflection wished they hadn't , but what is truely awful about this is that Ex doesn't even realise he has done anything wrong. He would have been being a total fucking idiot to say it in anycase, but to not realise when you pulled him up on it , how awful and damaging it is is beyond the pale. If he has realised and talked to DS and been the one to say "daddy was being silly" it would have gone a lot further to reassure your DS that mummy wouldn't get thrown on the railway!!! Pls seek proper advice and protect your child ESP has he struggles with speech snd language. Good luck OP

I would recommend all contact via email as you may need it as evidence. Choose your words very carefully. Don't be accusatory or inflammatory.

Do quote exactly what he said. His reply will either confirm or deny the statement. If its the former (and he seems arrogant enough) you have good proof.

I would suggest you get legal advice. Until such time unsupervised contact is not in the best interest of your ds. If needs be just state that, following his comment, ds has a real fear that mummy could die (at his age this thought would have been unlikely to have entered his head yet without that vile comment). Say he now has severe separation anxiety and so you will need to supervise contact for the time being. This should give you some breathing space.

I'm afraid to say the above paragraph may turn out to be truthful anyway.
Hope your ds is ok

This is so sad. My DS is 4 years old and I know how upset he'd be by something like this. I think you will have to continue reassuring him over the coming weeks and months.

I'm generally in favour in protecting children's relationships with non resident parents. Even when those parents are complete fuckwits. Knowing how upset my DS would be in that position though, I think you should seriously consider stopping unsupervised and certainly overnight contact until you have some plan in place (supervised visits, parenting classes, etc) to prevent this happening again.