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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is awful to say to a 4 yr old

95 replies

Alwaysasking · 28/12/2012 22:20

Ds has spent Christmas with his dad, I was talking to him on the phone tonight and ex told ds if he's naughty he will throw me on the train track. Ds was very upset, I was saying to ds daddy was being silly and of course he wouldn't but ex was saying "if you're naughty I will". This was as he was putting ds to bed, so my poor boy will be lying there terrified. I feel sick, just want to go and grab ds (ex lives 300 miles away). Ds is coming home tomorrow, but I am so uncomfortable with what ex has said. Ds is scared! WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysasking · 29/12/2012 00:03

They are by London and I'm by Wales Confused

OP posts:
Bessie123 · 29/12/2012 00:05

Steady on. Please don't try and stop contact over this, it will not be helpful. It would also be ott to pick ds up tonight. I do think a letter/email putting the situation in writing and explaining why it is harmful is a good idea. You need to set the scene for these things or you will not win in the end.

How old is ds? Is he old enough to say he doesn't want to go and be taken seriously by cafcass?

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 29/12/2012 00:11

He's 4 but he has delays in his speech and understanding, I don't know much about cafcass but doubt they would understand him as even close family have trouble at times Confused

OP posts:
MulledwineGless · 29/12/2012 00:14

I'm with SGB - if DS has been exhibiting worrying behaviour and not wanting to see father, then OP hears for herself emotional abuse I would stop contact

Bessie123 · 29/12/2012 00:22

You won't do yourself any favours by stopping contact straight away. You need to build a picture of abuse or inadequate care that a court can see clearly and will not see as a mercurial 4 year old possibly making up stories. Make sure you put this and any further incidents in writing. A good concern to start raising now is that your ds becomes very distressed when he has to go to visit dh and in light of ds' age and delayed speech yo think it might be best for him if you put off over night contact for a while, until ds is better able to verbalise his needs. Dh can come to visit him near Wales for the day instead.

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 29/12/2012 00:28

There is no court order, we came to an agreement through solicitors. I did note down some worrying things at the time with solicitor (for eg ds was asleep after the car journey up here, ex picked him up and tried to stand him up when he was still half asleep and he toppled over) but nothing concrete enough to stop contact according to solicitor.

OP posts:
FunnysFuckingFreezing · 29/12/2012 10:23

really really don't worry about my DC. I'm afraid we do have a somewhat black humour in our family, the same applies to my parents. I have just asked DS1 whether he was upset when I said I would stab him for being annoying and he said no, it's just a joke. So I asked him again to be certain and he said no mum, I just said so, I love you.

So please reserve your concern for this who need it, ie the OP.

notactuallyme · 29/12/2012 10:36

Blimey Fanny - you are getting a bit of a pasting! I read your post in the same way that I say to mine - if you touch anything in the shop I'm afraid I'll have to chop your fingers off' - cue laughing dc and much hiding of hands up sleeves. Maybe it helps that we are a no smacking household - ie so far removed from reality its funny? (I am joining you on the naughty step)

Not quite the same as a small boy in already stressful (separated parents) situation being told his mother will be put in front of a train.

notactuallyme · 29/12/2012 10:37

Sorry op, forgot to address your situation. Is your relationship with ex such that you could speak to him about this?

FunnysFuckingFreezing · 29/12/2012 10:40

thanks not I was really starting to think that I was the only one who spoke like this to my DC. We don't smack either and rarely shout so I think that is why the joke works, it is so far removed from what would actually happen its laughable

Aspiemum2 · 29/12/2012 10:43

Getting a 4 year old to behave by threatening to kill his mummy if he doesn't? That is so damaging I'm almost in tears reading it. This is so serious I would be looking for supervised contact on this issue alone. Your poor ds Sad

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 29/12/2012 10:47

Thanks for the replies, ex won't listen to me or anyone else for that matter, he thinks he is right about everything even his girlfriend can't get through to him. Not heard anything today but they will be leaving soon to make the journey here, I am collecting ds a giant millies cookie cake saying 'Merry Christmas Always'ds' and will do my best to make ds' evening lovely, not quite sure whether to bring up what ex said or wait for ds to bring it up, and then what should I say?

OP posts:
FunnysFuckingFreezing · 29/12/2012 10:51

Could you say 'DS was very upset last night because he thought that you had said some nasty things about hurting me' and see what his reaction is?

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 29/12/2012 10:55

I said to him last night 'can't you hear he's upset' and he said 'well he knows not to be naughty, if he's not naughty it won't happen', that was his way of comforting ds Hmm

OP posts:
lidlqueen · 29/12/2012 10:58

he sounds horrendous, really not fair to the child to make him go there.

drizzlecake · 29/12/2012 11:03

Am not surprised you cannot get through to ex. He MUST know that you don't scare 4 year olds at bed time. Do you know what his child hood was like? Was he bullied, abused?

He will alwyas be DS's father so you can't magic him out of DS's life so I would explain that Daddy was being stupid and thought he was being funny, 'of course he wouldn't do anything like that to mummy or the police would lock him up in jail for ever. Don't listen when he says silly things.'

ex will have future opportunities to say Goodness knows what and you cannot stop that. Helping DS to deal with it is the best action imo (unless you can stop access forever).
If ex makes these comments regularly DS will stop wanting to go, then you could see soliicitor about access.

Make sure DS knows he can talk about anything scary with you.

FunnysFuckingFreezing · 29/12/2012 11:04

all you can do then is say 'DS was upset because of what you have said. It was inappropriate and I don't want to hear that you have said anything like that to him again'

drizzlecake · 29/12/2012 11:04

he said 'well he knows not to be naughty, if he's not naughty it won't happen

This just sounds like bullying to me which is why I wondered what ex's childhood was like. Not that that excuses anything, in fact all the more reason he should be kind.

AlienRefluxThanksFuckThatsOver · 29/12/2012 11:12

Take him to bloody task over it. I would rip him a new one. Does the dick head not understand a child away from his Mum worries? I would tear into him,ifhe still wouldn't see the seriousness I'd say 'see you in court twat chops'.
It's downright cruel,and i would seriously worry what else he said.
And do raise it with DS, when he's home and relaxed,tell him daddy is silly and naughty for scaring him because that would never happen
Idiot, beyond belief

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 29/12/2012 11:14

Ex's childhood was fucked up, his mother has/had pretty severe mental illness (2 attempted suicides), is bipolar and a very scary woman. I took ds to visit her when he was a newborn and as I was breastfeeding, ex was running a bath which he forgot about and it over flowed a little, his mum ran up the stairs literally screaming and tore part of the carpet from the floor. His dad is in the military and was very strict (once ex owed his parents money when he was about 16, so the parents took every thing out of his room and he had to 'earn' it back, including his bed/wardrobe).

OP posts:
TheMonster · 29/12/2012 11:17

'Behave or I will kill your mother' are the words of someone who should not be looking after a child in my opinion.

lidlqueen · 29/12/2012 11:20

eeyore is right, there's no excuses

AlienRefluxThanksFuckThatsOver · 29/12/2012 11:21

i would also feel very uncomfortable abouthaving no phone contact when hes there

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 29/12/2012 11:22

And if my parents had asked me FFF, I would have assured them that I felt safe and knew they loved me. Frankly I think its disgusting that you think its okay to even joke about things like that. Just because you know its black humor doesn't mean it isn't damaging to their mental and emotional development, and doesn't mean that it won't affect their own parenting down the line.

You cannot know what it is like in your children's heads. My parents thought I was fine. They didn't know that I slept with a scarf on, and bought a penknife as soon as I could to sleep with it under my pillow / take out with me, in case I was attacked. I trust no one. Because the people who would tell me they loved me, clothed me, fed me, would also say things like you say to your children. DP put his arm over me the other night when he stayed over, and I screamed, because I thought he was going to choke me.

I think what you have said - and the fact you think it is okay to say it - is just as concerning as what the OP has posted. Both of them are emotional abuse.

You think its funny, and shows the family sense of humor. Your children are children, and do not have the understanding of that.

CecilyP · 29/12/2012 11:25

he said 'well he knows not to be naughty, if he's not naughty it won't happen

That is such a terrible thing to have thought and said. It implies it really will happen if DS is naughty and, after all, what 4-year-old can help being naughty from time to time?

(Completely different from Fanny's jokey relationship with her kids)

Under the circumstances, I would want to stop overnight contact.