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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is awful to say to a 4 yr old

95 replies

Alwaysasking · 28/12/2012 22:20

Ds has spent Christmas with his dad, I was talking to him on the phone tonight and ex told ds if he's naughty he will throw me on the train track. Ds was very upset, I was saying to ds daddy was being silly and of course he wouldn't but ex was saying "if you're naughty I will". This was as he was putting ds to bed, so my poor boy will be lying there terrified. I feel sick, just want to go and grab ds (ex lives 300 miles away). Ds is coming home tomorrow, but I am so uncomfortable with what ex has said. Ds is scared! WWYD?

OP posts:
jessjessjess · 28/12/2012 22:50

YANBU. Please have words with your ex. My mum used to pass off my dads arseholic behaviour as just a joke and it wasn't enough to comfort me.

jessjessjess · 28/12/2012 22:51

Flipping heck I hadn't even read your post correctly. That is appalling and not the way to "make him behave".

everlong · 28/12/2012 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLorraTurkey · 28/12/2012 22:57

Oh my fucking god, sorry I read it wrong OP Shock

He's sick

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 28/12/2012 22:58

Ok I'm thinking I may have to go to solicitor after this, I don't know how I'm going to get through from now until tomorrow because all I can think of is my scared little boy needing me Sad uuugh this is going to be a long night.

OP posts:
everlong · 28/12/2012 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 28/12/2012 23:04

No ex hasn't paid his fucking phone bill so his phone has been cut off, he rang me from his girlfriend's phone tonight (she was downstairs and didn't hear the conversation) but she won't be there tomorrow.

OP posts:
polkadotsrock · 28/12/2012 23:05

I'm honestly a bit naive as my ds is only 1 and can't imagine DH ever saying sonething like that at all, but is it something a solicitor would deal with? Wouldn't they just say its bad parenting and you should have a word yourself? I know this doesn't help OP and I apologise that I am hijacking your thread to ask a question. Fwiw I'm sure wee one will be shaken but is probably sound asleep by now, try to rest tonight, you'll need all your energy for all the fun you'll have with ds when he gets home!

Darmont · 28/12/2012 23:05

Sorry about this how horrible for you. It is actually child abuse of the emotional kind. I wouldn't let him go there again.

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 28/12/2012 23:08

I'm not too sure about the solicitor but I feel so uncomfortable sending him there now. He has done/said a few other stupid things in the past which I have been Hmm about but nothing that's made me this uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Damash12 · 28/12/2012 23:11

Yanbu, that really is wrong. Does he enjoy going to his dads? How often is it? I have a 4 yr Ds and he would be distraught. That's not going to make him behave it's going to scare him. As he ever said he doesn't want to go? Wait til you have son back then have a very stern chat with ex and let him know it's not acceptable.

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 28/12/2012 23:17

Yes ds always says he doesn't want to go, but assumed it was because he just missed me and not because he didn't have fun with ex. Ds has delayed speech and understanding also, so can't really communicate how he gets on at dad's.

OP posts:
SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 28/12/2012 23:19

That's horrific. I wouldn't be waiting until 5pm, I would be driving up NOW, and be there at dawn. Your poor boy.

And actually, FFF, I think that's a vile thing to say. My parents used to 'joke' about things like that. I have a personality disorder and severe anxiety, I used to sleep with a scarf on because I became so terrified they would cut my throat in my sleep. There are much better ways of dealing with your children.

You may think its funny. You're scaring the shit out of them, deliberately.

AutumnGlory · 28/12/2012 23:23

I think this is borderline EA.

AutumnGlory · 28/12/2012 23:34

I was out today with my 5, 5 year old, her 6 year old friend, friend's mum, and I was looking after a toddler whose mum wasn't there. Toddler's mum came to pick up and other kids didn't see it. When they noticed toddler wasn't there anymore, they asked about him, I explained, they didn't hear, so I joked that I lost him...(we were at a noisy busy place), they believed me, so I said it was a silly joke and told the truth. Even with my friend reassuring her child she would constantly ask me, even an hour after the joke, if I really lost the toddler or if he was safe with his mum. I regretted the stupid joke. We should be very careful whit what we say to children in general.

Bessie123 · 28/12/2012 23:36

Op, I am Sad for you and your poor little boy. I hope you can pick him up early tomorrow.

gymmummy64 · 28/12/2012 23:37

Funnys your post really worried me, more than the OP's to be honest, she's very concerned about the potential damage to her child and you are not. Funnys - how would you expect your kids to have any context to know what's right and what's not? Forget 'sense of humour' - they're kids. How would you explain to school when they repeat what you're saying? You don't say how old your DCs are, but you might want to rethink your approach?

lottiegarbanzo · 28/12/2012 23:38

Making him behave by threatening you to induce terror? Thing is, at that age and a bit older, I'd have believed it was a real possibility. For that reason I would view this as a real threat to kill, because, from your son's point of view, it is.

I would talk to a solicitor about that and be firm that if your ex cannot manage your DS without making vicious threats, he is not adequately capable to care for him over night.

Don't mess about trying to explain, given he isn't interested in learning, just tell him this is wrong and unacceptable. Repeat.

AutumnGlory · 28/12/2012 23:39

Another friend tell her kids she will throw them out of the car if they are noisy when she is driving. Now, she probably say this all the time as her kids don't even care, but when she gave us a lift last time, my daughter was a bit apprehensive when friend said it even though I was there...nedless to say I won't accept lifts anymore

Bessie123 · 28/12/2012 23:40

A teaching assistant at dd's school told her once (in the nursery class, she was 3) that she couldn't eat all the lunch I'd packed for her that day or she would go 'pop'. Dd didn't eat anything for 3 days because she was worried she would explode. I had to get the TA to explain she was making it up, of course people don't explode etc etc. Children take things literally.

Original poster
Alwaysasking · 28/12/2012 23:45

Yes I remember a TA telling me at school (around age 5) she's 'hammer' my leg better after I'd grazed it and I was terrified. I know ds was terrified and took ex literally, he won't forget it when he's here either think he will be anxious for a long time.

OP posts:
DoctorAnge · 28/12/2012 23:48

Very dangerous to talk like that to children I would hold off on contact for a while and contact you'd solicitor.
Funny sorry but that is an odd thing to say to your children too. Why make them
Laugh at violent acts? Stabbing a child is really not funny is it or am I missing something Confused

Bessie123 · 28/12/2012 23:58

I don't see funny's post as the same thing, it sounds like she makes it clear to her dcs she is joking. If they do understand that it isn't really a problem. I'm pretty sure they can still understand it's not ok to stab people..?

pigletpower · 29/12/2012 00:00

I would not let my son stay a minute longer with his shit for brains father. Is he very far away? I would be on my way to get him back now if I were you.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 29/12/2012 00:01

Is there a court order in place at the moment which means you have to allow your son to spend time with this prick? If not, stop contact and let him take you to court. Note down anything you can think of about his bullying behaviour, put together any evidence you have (nasty emails etc) and inform him that you will not allow any more overnight contact and that contact will be supervised from now on.

Even if there is a court order, you might be able to get it amended on the grounds that contact with a man who behaves like this is harmful to the child.