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AIBU?

DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

238 replies

BetteDavis01 · 28/12/2012 21:22

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

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Viviennemary · 30/12/2012 13:30

I think it is pretty bad to be going through somebody's personal stuff. If a man had done this there would certainly be calls of controlling, abusive and so on. Still I might do it myself if I felt the need. Sorry if that sounds hypocritical!

Horsemad · 30/12/2012 13:32

Do parents really treat their adult children and their spouses that differently?

My DM sends us the same amount each for Xmas & birthdays as does MIL and I can't imagine giving my sons more than their partners when they are grown up.

Bizarre.

Pendipidy · 30/12/2012 13:32

Have you asked him how much his father gave him?

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 13:33

Yes, it is bad to go snooping BUT the OP only did that because her dp was secretive. Her dp was the first to do something wrong, the OP wouldn't have had to snoop if he had been open and honest.

Bette, when you say FIL gave you and the DCs £100, was that £100 between you or £100 each?

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 13:35

But it's not clear to me that he was secretive. From my reading, he put the cheque in his pocket and out it upstairs. Would you really ask/tell how much it was in front of the person who had gifted it?

Even if he was, surely the first call is to ask, not to snoop?

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 13:36

then put

BertieBotts · 30/12/2012 13:37

I would assume it might be to pay off a debt or something that OP did not know about.

Nancy66 · 30/12/2012 13:38

it's his money to do what he wants with. I don't see the issue here at all.

ilovesooty · 30/12/2012 13:46

The OP snooped without asking him how much the cheque was for and without even waiting for him to talk about it.

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/12/2012 13:51

From reading the amount of threads who say the money is communal not for the person intended I shall ensure when DS is grown up that I dont give him money but buy him something instead.

I was of the opinion that a gift to a person was just that, if i wanted the partner to have it it would have been a joint gift.

Its quite sad that an adult cannot be given money to treat themselves without being told well no actually we will spend it on x as its family money.

The OP is not married, why should her partners father give her the same amount. £100 is already extremely generous so wanting her partners money too is just greedy.

Being married or in a relationship doesnt mean you share everything, christmas and birthday gifts are not communal. The OP's partner is still a son to his father and most parents like to treat their children.

mum11970 · 30/12/2012 13:51

I think it's more of an issue that op can't ask her dh about it.

FriendlyLadybird · 30/12/2012 14:02

I've been thinking about this, and decided that the behaviour on both sides is actually quite odd. Why cannot the OP and her partner just talk to each other? And why did his father give such different amounts as gifts?

My mother has occasionally given me similar sums of money, but it has always been understood that she has given it to both of us. My DH has always been reluctant to act as if he is spending any of this money, though, so I generally spend it, though on something to benefit the family.

For my birthday, and some other unbirthday occasions, though, when smaller amounts are involved, it is always made clear by everyone that any money given to me is to be spent by me on myself. My DH would reject any attempt of mine to share it.

Did the OP's FIL want to give his son a major contribution to something he's been longing for, but not been able to buy because it would be selfish to take it out of family money? I could see my mother wanting to do that for me, or my wanting to do it for either of my children when they're grown up.

skullcandy · 30/12/2012 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet · 30/12/2012 14:32

TIS THE SEASON, folks.

wannaBe · 30/12/2012 14:33

it wouldn't occur to me not to tell my dh how much but tbh the issue isn't one of money IMO it's that of the gift, and this belief that when it's money it's not a gift but a family entitlement.

Let's say that, for instance, a parent bought their child an expensive piece of jewellery, or a watch, or similar. Do you think that, if the family had financial issues, they should be expected to selll it in order to deal with those? And if not, why not? It's no different after all, parent gives child expensive gift vs parent gives child money as expensive gift...

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 14:49

"I shall ensure when DS is grown up that I dont give him money but buy him something instead."

Yeah, make sure to pick something his cunt of a wife can't use, or she might share a little bit of HIS gift that is just for him and nobody else oh no.

"Let's say that, for instance, a parent bought their child an expensive piece of jewellery, or a watch, or similar. Do you think that, if the family had financial issues, they should be expected to selll it in order to deal with those?"

Of course.

Are there people who would let their children go hungry rather than sell a watch?

"it is not selfish to keep money given TO you FOR you by YOUR parents to YOURSELF."

:o

Class!

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/12/2012 14:51

Pantomimedam
"Yes, it is bad to go snooping BUT the OP only did that because her dp was secretive. Her dp was the first to do something wrong, the OP wouldn't have had to snoop if he had been open and honest."

She never asked, and TBH if she can't trust him she shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

Stop trying to justify something that is wrong.

jellybeans · 30/12/2012 14:56

I can see some future nightmare MILs on this thread!

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 14:58

I think we're wandering a bit off track when we talk about selling a watch if the family had financial issues.

This is a CHRISTMAS gift from a father to a son - not wages, income, lottery win, etc. A Christmas gift. Very sad that one cannot have a Christmas gift without people thinking it should be discussed with everyone or shared. Amount doesn't matter a jot. A gift is a gift to be used as the recipient sees fit - amount immaterial. If it's okay to have £50 to yourself for Christmas and not £1000 that reeks of pure jealousy. Okay it is a lot of money but a personal gift is just that, personal between giver and recipient, no one else's business. The fact that you may have a partner and children is beside the point and just sad to think that you can never have anything to yourself ever again. I doubt the OP is starving and the children going without anything and I wouldn't imagine that if there were financial difficulties that either parent wouldn't sacrifice something, but that isn't the point here.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/12/2012 14:58

On the brightside maybe its for his escape fund.

NamingOfParts · 30/12/2012 15:02

wannaBe, that is an interesting point. I guess it would very much depend on how the family dealt with their financial situation. If they are of the 'his money/her money' then their approach might be different from if they were a communal fund family.

However, it might be an academic debate if the bailiffs call!

Whether it should or shouldnt be shared is only one part. What is strange in my opinion is not talking about it.

skullcandy · 30/12/2012 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Horsemad · 30/12/2012 15:10

But when your children marry or live in a partnership with someone you are gaining a son/daughter and so should treat them the same surely?
You wouldn't give one of your kids £100 and give the other £1000 would you??

Well, I wouldn't that's for sure!

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 15:15

Horsemad - that is up to the recipient to do what he wants with.

The OP's father didnt have to give her £100. He chose to. Should he have given her £1000 as well? He gave his son £1000 for whatever reason - it is the prerogative of the son do use that money as he wishes. If you take your argument further then the grandchildren should all get the same amount irrespective of age or need and that should also be shared out communally. Why can't parents help their children at christmas with a gift without all this analysing of it. A gift is a gift.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2012 15:17

I think what you should do with gifted money depends largely on the state of your finances.

Being secretive about it isn't on though.

One thing that has astounded me on this thread is how not being married means you are just a girlfriend/insignificant - even if you are living together, have children and are a family. Apparently, according to some posters, this means nothing unless you are married?! I thought that attitude died out years ago, seemingly not

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