To NOT go storming around to 13 year old dd's friend's mum's house

[Shagmundfreud]

... bang on the door, and shout 'Why on earth did you give my dd diet pills? Are you insane woman?' Because a) she's MUCH bigger than me and b) she is insane?

background: dd has been friends with girl since they were 3. They were at nursery together. Have never communicated that well with mum or felt I know her well - her Mum's English isn't great (she's French Algerian), and her life is quite chaotic - six kids, one of whom is brain damaged from a fall from a window a few years ago. Mum has physical and mental health problems.

DD came home from their house last week with 12 diet tablets in a blister pack. God knows what they contain - googled them and found very little information. I think they're the ones which absorb fat from food. But could be more than that. Whatever, they've gone in the bin, and we had to endure an evening of screaming and shouting from dd, who is slightly overweight (allergic to exercise and fond of eating crap), who had been persuaded by the friend's mum that these tablets could be the answer to her problems.

I mean really - it's bonkers isn't it? But I'm afraid of this girl's mum as she's a bit unstable and VERY outspoken. I was once witness to her screaming at another mother in the street over something to do with comments which had passed between their daughters. So I won't be saying anything to her. Just binning the tablets and telling dd she's NEVER to take anything without our say so, and that diet pills don't work.

Mary - great advice about the pharmacist. I'm going to do it tomorrow!

"You sound as though you have no say in what your dd eats, where she goes, who she sees and her life generally."

No - when she's out the house on her way to and from school, and when she goes out I don't have ANY control over what she does. Short of putting a lock on the fridge, what do you suggest I do to stop her eating between meals at home?

"And worst than that you sound as if you have given up trying"

I try to stop dd being violent to her siblings, try to get her up and off to school on time in the mornings, make sure she does her homework, and that I know where she is if she's out the house. I try to get her to do some chores at home, and go to bed at a reasonable time. I challenge her every time she uses bad language or is disrespectful to me or her father.

So you see, I pick my battles. If you have a very difficult child you HAVE to, or you'd go mad and end up destroying your family.

Doinmummy I know some teenagers are nice, some are hideous and some are beyond vile.

So what do you do? Roll over and accept it or dig your heels in and do something about it?

You (the parent) holds (or should) the power and the purse strings. I do not for one second, think it's easy or straightforward. It's painful, it's hard and it's very worrying.

But you can't just do nothing whilst they walk all over you.

And whilst my DCs weren't especially vile, it wasn't a walk in the park either.

Do you have perfect children then, amothersruin?

I'm totally with you Shag.

Should add, that punishments DON'T always work as a deterrent to bad behavior. Even severe punishments. NannyOgg, you clearly think that if you u punish enough you can change a child's behaviour and attitude. It doesn't work like that for everyone.

If it did did prisons would be empty.

why is she behaving like thos though shag? something is making her like this. where did she learn that it is ok to shout or swear at adults? i went off the rails a bit at 16 but that was due to issues surrounding my mum and sd.what has happened to your dd? please seek further help for her.sounds like she is crying out for it.

the no phone never works imo I tried with my dd and we are not bezzie mates I am not my childs friend you have to pick battles sometimes although rolling over and letting them take the piss isnt the answer either, teenagers have no reasoning sometimes their brains can not process adult reasoning they are like another species sometimes,

Shag - just wanted to give you a

if prisons were run.the way they should be then they would be a real deterrent but thats by the by. by being firm with your dd now she may shout she hates you but will thank you for it later.

"But you can't just do nothing whilst they walk all over you".

You don't do 'nothing'. You model good behavior. You pick them up each and every time they breach your rules. You use sanctions. You apply them consistently.

We have done all of these things.

YANBU on either count. How dare she give diet pills to a child - is she mad?

Well, yes, clearly.

And I find it is generally a good idea to steer clear of large, angry unstable people. I'm all for an easy, confrontation and violence-free life.

But I would be fuming.

Although if they were Xenical (sp?) the ones which turn all the fat you eat to a vile smelly orange liquid that seeps out of your bum then perhaps you should have let DD try them. It might have put her off.

DDs weight is a side issue.

An adult gave a child drugs. That is the issue.

Fags and speed make you lose weight too. If an adult gave a child these it would be illegal.

Dig them out of the bin, take them to the pharmacist and find out what the hell they are. Then formulate a plan depending on the drugs involving the school, SS or the police.

I'm trying to think of how I'd react if an adult gave my child drugs. Dangerously is the only answer I have so far.

"if prisons were run.the way they should be then they would be a real deterrent but thats by the by"

What - like in the States? Where people are kept in tiny bare cells in solitary confinement for decades, and only allowed to see the sun for an hour a day?

In countries where they have the death penalty?

You nob.

then you didnt take the phone away for.long enough did you? i dont know anu.teen who.isnt surgically.attached to their phone and wouldnt greet at this sanction.

now i see why your dd thinks its acceptable to swear at adults.....

I have taken phone/ Internet etc away from DD. Result = she runs away. Police involved etc. sometimes you have to pick your battles.

Well shag for a woman who isn't keen on confronting the other mum you are well able to give it here

Errrrrr you're scared of the mum but your dd is still ok to go round there. Picking your battles seems to mean abdicating responsibility. An adult gave your dd drugs, call the bloody police women, god forbid you should protect her. What if it is an amphetamine based drug? What if she's had it before? Doesn't sound as if you're sure about much in your daughters life to be honest. Poor dd, whilst your busy being best mates, who is her mother?

yep.nob? wow what a keyboard warrior.i wss trying to give genuine advice as your dd sounds like she is crying out for help.good luck.

Dig them out of the bin, take them to the pharmacist and find out what the hell they are. Then formulate a plan depending on the drugs involving the school, SS or the police

I agree - and the designated safeguarding contact at the school would probably be interested in the information too.

Having had a quick look at some of the OP's other posts, she seems to have done everything in her power to address her daughter's difficulties. I think the criticism she's getting is unfair.

Do you punish dd with food? If you don't have junk food in your house she still finds ways to eat it which shows she has an unhealthy relationship with food. Do you think you may have contributed to that? I

Fwiw, I went through a chubby stage aged 13-20. I would imagine its normal whilst growing up during puberty. Unless she's clinically obese for her age, I wouldn't worry about her weight and just ignore the weird pill giving mother.

I don't think she can ignore the pill giving mother's actions. If, for example, the pills are speed they are a controlled drug. Whatever they are she can't go around giving unidentified pills to minors. I think the best bet is to get medical advice first.

I think it's unfair to be so hard on the Op. I am speaking from very bitter experience. Some teens are very very difficult. Oh that it were that easy to dish out discipline and hey presto, perfect kids.

to be honest if it was me I'd be raising welfare concerns for the woman's DC!! sounds harsh but if she saw right to give your did diet pills at 13 can you imagine what she could be like with her own children!? that could very detrimental to there own insecurities about weight as they get older let's face it I bet the majority of girls have wanted to loose weight pre-1. I also speak from experience on this one my my, was anorexic when I was a toddler and I have grown up with am awful view of food. I'm not by no means skinny but my eating habits are awful, just like my mums. I think I'm like that because I witnessed her anorexia. if those DC see there mum dishing diet pills out or even taking them they will think its right and may be taking them younger than your did I would seriously consider flagging this up with someone perhaps gp

I'd fish the "evidence" back out of the bin.

You're right you don't know what these tablets are.