To NOT go storming around to 13 year old dd's friend's mum's house

[Shagmundfreud]

... bang on the door, and shout 'Why on earth did you give my dd diet pills? Are you insane woman?' Because a) she's MUCH bigger than me and b) she is insane?

background: dd has been friends with girl since they were 3. They were at nursery together. Have never communicated that well with mum or felt I know her well - her Mum's English isn't great (she's French Algerian), and her life is quite chaotic - six kids, one of whom is brain damaged from a fall from a window a few years ago. Mum has physical and mental health problems.

DD came home from their house last week with 12 diet tablets in a blister pack. God knows what they contain - googled them and found very little information. I think they're the ones which absorb fat from food. But could be more than that. Whatever, they've gone in the bin, and we had to endure an evening of screaming and shouting from dd, who is slightly overweight (allergic to exercise and fond of eating crap), who had been persuaded by the friend's mum that these tablets could be the answer to her problems.

I mean really - it's bonkers isn't it? But I'm afraid of this girl's mum as she's a bit unstable and VERY outspoken. I was once witness to her screaming at another mother in the street over something to do with comments which had passed between their daughters. So I won't be saying anything to her. Just binning the tablets and telling dd she's NEVER to take anything without our say so, and that diet pills don't work.

[MaryChristmaZEverybody]

I wouldn't ban your dd from going over there, simply because at 13 you can't actually stop her without a humungous row.

And you don't want to be in the position where your dd chooses to move in with them.

She needs to know about the liquid farts and the smell that the tablets cause, rather than the "health" aspects of it. She won't care what side effects there will be in 20 years' time, but she might mind being shown some of the information on "ally" (I think it's called) and other tablets that is available on the net.

[lidlqueen]

perhaps best if you have a word with the mum, piprabbit talks sense.

[specialsubject]

...and while not giving DD an obsession with being an x-ray, help her to understand the simple obvious truth that if she eats too much and does too little, she gets fat. Turn it round and she loses weight.

if she is armed with the facts, and knows that pills are not the answer, then it is her call.

[cheekybaubles]

There are so many issues with this post, I don't know where to start...
Someone with more eloquence than me will be along any second. I hope.

[Shagmundfreud]

"Ugh, I feel so lazy and bloated after all that rich Christmas food, how about you, DH? Let's improve our health for 2013" sort of thing."

DD's response to that would be 'pass the mayonnaise, and don't let the door bang shut on your arse when you go to the gym'.

I say black. She say white. And rolls her eyes.
It's like that.

[manicinsomniac]

wow, that is insane.

Are you sure your daughter and her friends didn't just take the pills from the mum's store of them.

Hard to imagine an adult actually giving diet pills to a kid. They're so dangerous! And I'm saying this as an anorexic mum with a mild form of bipolar disorder myself.

[mrsjay]

the side effects of those over the counter fat thingy tablets are v ery unpleasant apparently

[Nanny0gg]

So, this woman gave your daughter diet pills (and you have no idea of their effects), you are too scared to confront her, you can't stop your daughter overeating, and you don't seem to intend to stop her visiting the friend.

What do you intend to do?

[CaptChaos]

Were they over the counter or prescribed ones? If prescribed the loony mother has broken the law, if over the counter she has been deeply irresponsible, what if your DD had underlying health issues/heart problems/whatever which you just hadn't told anyone about?

If she were my DD, she would never ever go to that woman's house again.

[mrsjay]

op what if the mother gave your dd speed what would you do ? you really need to do something tbh

[Shagmundfreud]

Should I be able to stop her overeating?

Not keen on her going to friend's house again, but banning her and enforcing it would require a permanent grounding, which would be difficult to maintain in the medium and long term.

Don't think they are prescription, but it's hard to tell. They're a French brand and there's very little information on them online.

[Shagmundfreud]

The amount of fat in dd's diet - if she'd taken them and carried on eating normally it would have been an oily diarrhea catastrophe within hours.

[piprabbit]

You might not be able to stop her overeating, but shrugging and doing absolutely nothing is simply abdicating your responsibilities.

Or have you got a cunning plan that you have just forgotten to mention so far?

[Mrsrudolphduvall]

Do you keep crap in the house?
Start off the NY with no biscuits, crisps, fizz etc.

[cees]

I dunno shag you don't seem to want to take action and do something about your dd's weight, for every good suggestion posters have written you come back with an excuse for why it won't work.

What's autonomy?

Some things are worth the fight and your dd having a positive relationship with food is well worth a good row if she wants one.

[Shagmundfreud]

Look - I cook sensible, good food. I watch the portion sizes. We don't buy junk food or takeaways. I don't keep sweet drinks or cake or crisps in the house. Not even squash! But dd WILL take food out of the fridge, and she WILL buy crap with her pocket money on the way back from school. She doesn't get much pocket money, but what with what she gets off my mum and ds's mum... We have tried stopping her pocket money, asking people not to give her money, and we've kept it up for months, (not to stop her buying crap, but in response to disrespectful behaviour), but she will still eat one way or another.

She needs to learn to control her eating. I can do my part by setting her a good example (I eat well and am not overweight), and by having healthy food in the house, but other than that there is nothing I can do to FORCE her to lose weight OR exercise.

[MaryChristmaZEverybody]

I'd like to tackle dd's weight too, but I'm not sure where to start.

Any comment from me at all results in her storming out, and finding something to eat.

I cook healthy meals (ok Christmas is a bit shite, but generally they are healthy). But she will always choose the poorer choice - so extra potatoes/bread rather than veg or salad. She will fry eggs rather than poach or boil. She will eat anything she can find between meals.

And she hates all exercise.

So I'm a bit stumped.

[mrsjay]

have you tried having some treats in the house have you never had any or is this just recent because she is putting on weight? sometimes children rebel to 'healthy food' and will try and sneak what they are not allowed usually as they start puberty and getting their own money,

[Nanny0gg]

You could go out for regular family walks. Get a dog.
Definitely stop the pocket money.

Stop making excuses.

[Mrsrudolphduvall]

Tell other family members you don't want them to give money to her, and tell them why.
Is she happy being overweight?

[mrsjay]

how over weight is she sometimes girls grow out the way instead of up especially as an early teen as they take shape dd2 did and she is still a bit but loosing it as she grows into her shape of hips and boobs,

[Shagmundfreud]

NannyOgg, we have a dog. We go out for walks. She refuses to come.

How long should I stop her having pocket money for? Until her BMI is within the healthy range? Or until she runs away from home because she hates us so much for punishing her for being a stone overweight?

[manicinsomniac]

The OP's daughter's weight is not relevant to this thread

Somebody gave a thirteen year old kid diet pills. That is the problem here.

OP - if this woman did give the children the pills rather than the children finding them themselves then you either need to have strong words or even take it further - this is (maybe? I think?) illegal and terribly dangerous.

[manicinsomniac]

I mean her weight is, obviously relevant. But solutions to it is not what the OP is asking for right now. That's what I meant.

[LetsFaceThePresentsTheyrePants]

I hear you about the overeating Shag.

Same here with good food at home.

My son in Yr 7 actually picks up coins from the school yard (can hardly believe it but it's the done thing to throw away coins of 5p or under). He then spends these on crap in the garage on his way home from school.

He will not take exercise unless it's bike riding with us away from traffic or walking up mountains or 'swimming' ie playing in the water with friends and eating chips from the cafe afterwards (why do they serve these in leisure centres ffs)

Watching for solutions with interest.