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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to talk to dd's bf's mum? or think I should mind my own business?

64 replies

dolleduptothenines · 28/12/2012 15:43

My dd(17) has been with her bf for almost a year now. They were best friends before that. He is a really great boy.

DD has told me that she wants a gap year next year and go traveling as shes not sure what she wants to study at uni yet.

Completely fine by me, although I think miss and worry about her so much. I asked her if her bf would be coming with her. (Her bf has spoken to me before about traveling around America)

She said no because his mum won't let him.

I find his mum a little bit clingy tbh, like recently they went to go and see Twilight together. No 17yo boy would particularly want to go to the cinema with their mum, especially to see Twilight.

I feel so bad for my dd as shes obviously torn between traveling and her bf. And I know the bf really wants to go and we only get a few chances to get to do something wonderful like travel the world.

aibu to go and speak to his mum about this? or just accept that it's none of my business.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/12/2012 15:45

Unfortunately I think it's part of his becoming a man that he has to tackle his mum. Maybe when he sees your daughter getting all excited about travelling, it will be enough for him to do speak to his mum.

On the other hand, most relationships at that age aren't meant to last. If he can't deal with his mum, he's probably not ready to travel either.

squeakytoy · 28/12/2012 15:47

None of your business. Would you appreciate someone coming to tell you how to parent your teen?

Ragwort · 28/12/2012 15:48

No, I don't think you should speak to his mum about it.

If it was my child having a gap year abroad I would be much happier if they went with a friend (rather than a boyfriend/girlfriend) or alone - I am sure they would get a lot more out of the travelling than just going as a couple.

And really, if a 17 year old boy can't make his own mind up about something like that I don't think he would make a very good travelling companion (perhaps he doesn't really want to go and is using his mother as an excuse?).

I would encourage your DD to live her own life and ditch the boyfriend.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/12/2012 15:48

It is none of your business.

Is it really that his Mum won't let him? Or is it that he doesn't actually want to go/sees no way of affording it and has bizarrely decided that blaming his Mum is the less embarrassing option.

You blundering in will potentially embarrass all of you which I doubt your DD will thank you for.

kinkyfuckery · 28/12/2012 15:49

How is your relationship with his mum generally? Are you friends, and could this be casually dropped into a regular conversation?
Also, consider the fact that you don't know for sure that his not going is related to his mum at all - it could well be that he is not ready for such a thing himself. If that turns out to be true, you'd be opening a big can of worms between him and your daughter.

Original poster
dolleduptothenines · 28/12/2012 15:49

I wasn't planning on lecturing her parenting squeakytoy

It's more a talk of dd is planning on doing this, I know bf is very keen to do this too.
How would you feel?
What problems are there? etc.

OP posts:
JaneFonda · 28/12/2012 15:49

Normally I am shocked by how much parents meddle in their teenage DC's relationships/other business in general, but I think this is slightly different.

Surely by the time they leave, they will both be 18? And both adults? So his mum can't really tell him what to do anyway. Is she planning on dictating his university choice as well?

I think if you two already speak to each other, you could mention it lightly, as in, 'oh isn't it an exciting idea, I would miss her but how great for them!' etc. If not, it could seem a bit weird out of the blue.

Apart from that - have you considered that maybe it isn't his mum who has forbidden it? Perhaps your DD's boyfriend just doesn't want to go but doesn't know how to say it. I can't think of many 17 year olds who would choose their parents over their boyfriend/girlfriend. :o

Alternatively, use this as an opportunity to teach your DD that it's okay for her to do things by herself. If this means they break up, so be it, but I wouldn't be so keen to encourage her to only go for it if her boyfriend can go as well. He may be a lovely boy, and they may be great together, but they have the rest of their lives to spend together if they wish; a year of her discovering new things and independence shouldn't do any harm. :)

hygienequeen · 28/12/2012 15:50

It's none of your business ... Also have to say i'd be quite proud to bring a up a son who would accompany his Mum to the flicks ( maybe this is why he's also so lovely to your daughter, he cares about others ? ) despite maybe it not being a film of his choice ?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 28/12/2012 15:50

Don't talk to his mum, that's just as interfering as her behaviour. Are they paying for this themselves and does he actually have the money to go? Because that is a consideration.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 28/12/2012 15:51

Perhaps your dd needs a gap year so she doesn't get bogged down with a bf too soon. Perhaps if your dd is happy to take a gap year without him and he's happy to stay home without her it isn't for keeps.

I have an 18 year old son. I don't think you should interfere. Your dd will never trust you again.

BiteyWeeFucker · 28/12/2012 15:52

None of your business. Gap years are expensive for one.

Original poster
dolleduptothenines · 28/12/2012 15:54

No he's definitely keen on going.

I spoke to him before all this happened and asked him what uni's he was applying to and he said he's going to apply next year when he has his grades instead of just predictions and wants to go traveling.

I went traveling around America during my early 20s and he was asking me all about it and saying he wished he could do that.

OP posts:
cornystollenslave · 28/12/2012 15:55

He may not want to go travelling with your dd - that's quite a big commitment for a 17/18 year old. It's not going to be a 2 week holiday after all.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 28/12/2012 15:55

If he can't stand up to his mum then to be blunt its far better that your daughter sees this now and understands it!

WorraLorraTurkey · 28/12/2012 15:56

In the nicest possible way it's none of your business and it should stay that way.

As a mother of 3 boys though, I have to ask what's with this "No 17yo boy would particularly want to go to the cinema with their mum"? Confused

Why on earth not?

PuppyMonkey · 28/12/2012 15:57

Perhaps his mum is planning to come round to see you and tell you what a bad idea it is to let your DD do this. Grin

apostrophethesnowman · 28/12/2012 16:02

YABU It's none of your business.

In fact, you come across as just as interfering as you perceive the other mum to be.

I'm not sure why you think it's not normal for a seventeen year old to want to go to the cinema with him mum. Where's the harm in that? I know several mums who do things like that with their boys actually. The boys are lovely young men and perfectly normal - not at all clingy.

peaceandlovebunny · 28/12/2012 16:07

not your business.
keep your nose out.
its not his mum who is clingy, it is you who is irresponsible. but that's your choice. at least she hasn't been round to tell you.

Birdsgottafly · 28/12/2012 16:09

My Neice's 17 year old bf comes everywhere with us, he likes that we are close (his family aren't).

I don't think that worrying about an 18 year old travelling is that unreasonable, it depends on how mature he is, more young lads end up dead than young women.

It would be different if he was a little older, but some 18 year olds aren't ready for that much independance, you did it in your 20's, after all.

Original poster
dolleduptothenines · 28/12/2012 16:10

I actually meant the mum is clingy apostrophethesnowman

And how am I interfering. I sometimes drive my dd over to her bf's as she shares my car.

All I would say to his mum is that dd was planning on doing a gap year. Knew that bf was interested in doing something similar.

Then judging by her response

I would probably just say - yes its initially a very scary thought that the kids would be so far away from home but it is an amazing experience as I did it around their age too and you only get a couple of chances to do something like this.

And leave it at that.

How is that interfering? I just want her to know that I understand she has reservations about him going but that it is a great opportunity. And that we are in the same boat.

If she still doesn't want him to go then fine. Would never mention it again.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/12/2012 16:11

Maybe he doesn't want to go with your daughter? Perhaps he sees this as a way of breaking up without hurting someone who has been his friend for a long time.

I would just keep out of it, nothing good can come of you poking your nose in.

I would be wary of my 17 year old going travelling with a boyfriend/girlfriend tbh. Much better for them to travel, or go off to University on their own with no ties. People do a lot of growing and changing at that age and you don't want them holding each other back.
If they still want to be together having stretched their wings then brilliant, but I think a bit of space is good.

peaceandlovebunny · 28/12/2012 16:11

because it has nothing to do with you at all.

Original poster
dolleduptothenines · 28/12/2012 16:12

it is you who is irresponsible

Please elaborate.

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 28/12/2012 16:14

It sounds like you basically want the boyf to go to assuage your own worries about your dd.

Keep well out of it OP

It may be that the boyf doesn't want to go and this is his excuse

AKissIsNotAContract · 28/12/2012 16:20

Why can't she go with a friend? She'll probably have more fun that way.