Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to talk to dd's bf's mum? or think I should mind my own business?

64 replies

dolleduptothenines · 28/12/2012 15:43

My dd(17) has been with her bf for almost a year now. They were best friends before that. He is a really great boy.

DD has told me that she wants a gap year next year and go traveling as shes not sure what she wants to study at uni yet.

Completely fine by me, although I think miss and worry about her so much. I asked her if her bf would be coming with her. (Her bf has spoken to me before about traveling around America)

She said no because his mum won't let him.

I find his mum a little bit clingy tbh, like recently they went to go and see Twilight together. No 17yo boy would particularly want to go to the cinema with their mum, especially to see Twilight.

I feel so bad for my dd as shes obviously torn between traveling and her bf. And I know the bf really wants to go and we only get a few chances to get to do something wonderful like travel the world.

aibu to go and speak to his mum about this? or just accept that it's none of my business.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 28/12/2012 16:20

Perhaps there is also an element of his mum not wanting her son to feel responsible for his GF, which can happen.

You seem to be seeing all of the positives of travelling, it would be different if you were going to speak to her with an open mind, things can and do go wrong, she has every right to be concerned for her son staying safe.

My DD (17) has just started going to festivals/concerts abroud,with my eldest, which i think is a good build up to going away on her own.

She isn't ready to be on her own, yet, next year she will holiday with friends and then take it from there.

ll31 · 28/12/2012 16:24

Think you sound painfully arrogant. . Clearly the mother needs your input cos you know what's right for her and Hetty son. ... stay out it's none of your business. .. kind of amusing tho that you think shels clingy but you're the one trying to run peoples lives for them. ...

ihearsounds · 28/12/2012 16:25

It could be any number of reasons why he doesn't want to go.
If he doesn't go in the gap year, it doesn't mean that he can never go. He could go anytime after uni, unless of course he is then supposed to settle down with a job, wife and children..
He could do it later in life when he has more life experience to enjoy traveling.
He might actually enjoy spending time with his mum. My teens do, they are always dragging me to the cinema to watch stuff with them, even the 19 year old ds.
You should leave alone. You don't know the reasons why. It might be a lot more than her reservations. And so what if it actually is. It is up to him to deal with, and tbh, if one of my dc's mates mums came to me and started questioning our reasons I would tell them to jog on. Not everyone wants to do things at the same time.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2012 16:25

How would a 17 year old afford it? I think if dd wants to go, good on her but she needs to be prepared to but it is up to bf to decide what he wants to do.

ll31 · 28/12/2012 16:26

Her son that is. .. also weird comment re son going to cinema with mother, what is wrong with that?

misterwife · 28/12/2012 16:27

OP: If he really wants to go, he can tell his mum to cut the apron strings.

I understand your concerns but think you're best off observing this one from afar.

apostrophethesnowman · 28/12/2012 16:28

You are interfering in the situation between the by and his mother. That's really nothing to do with you.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 28/12/2012 16:28

Yes, you would be very unreasonable to say anything. He isn't your son, and I'm sure his mother knows him well enough to gauge whether he is ready for that kind of independence.

Ra88 · 28/12/2012 16:36

None of your business

OhlimpPricks · 28/12/2012 16:43

Sorry, but it is none of your business. They may not be able to afford to support him in this; but whatever the reason you cannot interfere.

HollaAtMeSanta · 28/12/2012 17:00

I don't think you can take it upon herself to talk to his mum, no.

If you discuss the trip with him again, and he again says "wow I'd love to do that but my mum would never let me go", you could say "well I'm happy with D going, would you like me to have a chat to your mum?" and see what he says. But you can't approach his mum without his say-so.

HullyEastergully · 28/12/2012 17:02

You should definitely speak to his mum.

tell her it's time she cut the apron strings or her boy will be a big wussy pants and no one will ever have sex withhim again and she won't get any grandchildren.

that should do it.

AnnieLobeseder · 28/12/2012 17:10

I can understand why you want to help your DD is she wants her boyfriend along. But if he wants to go, it's up to him to sort it out, not you.

Personally, I think your DD would be better off on her own or with a friend. She's be much more likely to do what she really wants and enjoy herself without the pressure of a young relationship.

fabulousathome · 28/12/2012 17:13

As everyone else has said, it's really not a good idea to say anything to the bf's Mum. It's her child (and he is still a child) and not yours.

Perhaps she thinks he can try and get work experience in various different areas instead of a gap year if he doesn't know what to study at Uni. Far more useful in my opinion.

Would you like it if someone questioned your parenting as to why you are allowing your DD to go travelling rather than getting a job or studying? If the answer is "no" then that is what you are doing to the bf's Mum.

thegreylady · 28/12/2012 18:02

My dd had a gap year straight after university-she was 21 and we gave her a round the world ticket as a graduation / 21st gift.
I would have been very very anxious about her setting off at 18!

mrsjay · 28/12/2012 18:06

none of your business really his mum wont let him so you as his gf MUM IS GOING TO ASK, id leave it and see what happens, I have a dd whos BFs mum wont let him do things like come home late at night on a train HE Is 21 DD does her own things and if he isn't allowed she just does it anyway, can I just say AGAIN this lad is 21 , I wouldnt interfere ,

mrsjay · 28/12/2012 18:07

tell her it's time she cut the apron strings or her boy will be a big wussy pants and no one will ever have sex withhim again and she won't get any grandchildren.

grovel · 28/12/2012 18:37

I don't think you deserve a hard time for asking. At all.

I'm afraid, however, I think you should steer clear.

sarahseashell · 28/12/2012 18:41

YABU its nothing to do with you really what the bf or his mum do

FlojoHoHoHo · 28/12/2012 18:46

It's none of your business. I'd be much happier if my DCs knuckled down and got their degree finished before jet setting around the world. Maybe his mum has concerns that he'd not return to uni or something. I certainly wouldn't appreciate it if u stuck your nose in, leave well alone.
U should be telling your DD to cut the strings from her BF, she's way too young to be making plans for the future with some boy when she's not even been away to uni. Encourage her to stop spending time with him and get herself some good friends she can go with instead.

TheNebulousBoojum · 28/12/2012 18:47

Thegreylady, that's what my DD plans on doing.
Much better to travel with a bit of independent living experience under your belt, and three years of being without your parents to sort problems out IMO.

TheSecondComing · 28/12/2012 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sarahseashell · 28/12/2012 19:12

yes a witty gang of pals would be preferable

yohohoho · 28/12/2012 19:15

OP its quite clear you think what you want to do is reasonable.

Why did you post here in 'am I being unreasonable'? if you are so convinced that you are.

Its none of your business. I don't get why you have an issue with the relationship between him and his mother.

The cinema example you gave. Maybe she wanted to see it but had no one to go with so he went with her. Whats wrong with that?
Maybe they like doing things together? Whats wrong with that.

If he isn't mature enough to tell his mum its not her decision, he is not mature enough to travel abroad for a year imo.

ChristmasJubilee · 28/12/2012 19:23

I have a 17 year old son and I would not let him go travelling around the world. He is not mature enough at the moment and I know he would agree with me. I would be most annoyed if anyone tried to "change my mind".

He would also come to the cinema with me!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread