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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

505 replies

creamteas · 28/12/2012 14:13

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

OP posts:

FreePeaceSweet · 28/12/2012 20:03

I think misogyny is believing women should remain dependent on men if they have a child, which is what most people seem to be advocating!

I don't see anyone endorsing this. Where have you got that from? I'm sure your friend is perfectly capable of raising her child alone but any decent man (well the one doing the ejaculating of his own free will) would at least step up and GIVE HER SOME FUCKING CHILD SUPPORT MONEY! Babies do not begin spontaneously.

I really hope his pecker shrivels and rolls back into his sack never to darken the entrance to any willing lady's bits ever again. Oh and have you ever heard of Elizabeth Bathory? Better friend than you. Humph.

yaimee · 28/12/2012 20:06

wewereherefirst not sure if the father deserves a child though.
Having been in this position myself, my overwhelming feeling is that the father of my son does not deserve to be in his life and my son does not need anyone around who doesn't want to be there 100%, he has plenty of people who absolutely adore him, and he certainly doesn't need a man who didn't feel that he had to face up to his responsibilities as a role model.
Not that I think a man should be able to opt out, but if he does, she's better off without the fool!

Original poster

creamteas · 28/12/2012 20:10

I'm not blaming her in any way, I just think she needs to accept the responsibility she chose to taken on.

I don't think a child needs two parents. I am adopted and so I know first hand that biology is not the key to parenthood, raising and caring for a child is.

You can't make someone be a father, it is an emotional attachment, not a financial arrangement.

OP posts:

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 28/12/2012 20:18

Continuing with an unplanned pregnancy is only a 'choice' for some women, not sure if you've posted about your friend's attitude toward abortion. It's not the same as choosing to get pregnant, which I think you think it is.

perceptionInaPearTree · 28/12/2012 20:19

But your thread title says 'AIBU to be unsympathetic with pregnant friend'

Your posts to date lack empathy entirely. If you are her friend your sympathy would be with her, not the guy who has chosen to bugger off.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 28/12/2012 20:25

Exactly this happened to a very close friend of mine. She spent the whole pregnancy miserable; couldn't face an abortion but couldn't understand someone who was 50% responsible for the pregnancy walking away.
The difference is that I, and her other friends, supported her 100% all the way, held her up when she was at her lowest ebb, because nobody can truly judge anyone's choices until they've been in that person's shoes. All she wanted was for her baby to have a dad.
You are not a friend if you see things so black and white.

FutTheShuckUp · 28/12/2012 20:26

Urghh- I read the OP a bit too quick and got 'pregnant with unsympathetic friend' and simply had no words!

Original poster

creamteas · 28/12/2012 20:42

So most of the MN jury believe that women should have a choice about whether or not to have a child, as do I.

But men should never have a choice. I think this is grossly unfair.

I have and will support my pregnant friend, but still have no sympathy with this position.

OP posts:

SigmundFraude · 28/12/2012 20:48

It is grossly unfair, and I applaud you for saying it despite the judgement of the MN jury.

yaimee · 28/12/2012 20:50

creamteas I think the point that you have not yet addressed, which has been mentioned multiple times, is that abortion is not a choice for some. Some women may not feel able to consider it, which leaves these women in a position where they really have no choice but to continue with their pregnancy. And they should be able to rely on the support of the man who is equally responsible for the pregnancy.
If I were you, I'd tell her that any man who will not face up to his responsibilities is not a suitable role model for her child and that she is better off without him anyway!

D0oinMeCleanin · 28/12/2012 20:50

The man has the choice not to engage in PIV sex if he is not ready to deal with the possible consequences. No one forced him to have sex with your friend.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 28/12/2012 20:51

Neither of them chose to have this baby. If she had planned a 'mistake' i could see your point, but this was an accident that neither wanted. sometimes when shit happens you have to grow up and deal with it.

in this case that mistake happened at the moment of conception, not at the moment she turned down the abortion. Abortion is a hugely emotive issue and ultimately will have a greater impact on her than him.

festivelyfocussed · 28/12/2012 20:53

Who is saying men don't have a choice? What are you reading?
You asked if YWBU to not be sympathetic to your friend in this situation, not if she should force him to stay and be a father.
It's a bit depressing now really, this woman is clearly not a friend of yours or you wouldn't even be asking the question.
Would you not have sympathy for a friend who contracted emphysema because they were a smoker or lost their legs because they failed to follow strict advice about managing their diabetes? Actually, don't answer that, I think I already know the answer.

yousmell · 28/12/2012 20:54

he is still the father and he is still responsible for the child.

secondly, making a decision about aborting/not aborting a baby isn't like choosing which meal to have in a pub. Emotionally it's huge and has the potential to create serious depression in the future.

If I was accidentally pregnant, I certainly wouldn't feel that I had any 'choice' as I just couldn't abort. I would certainly respect and support my friends in what ever road they took though.

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2012 20:57

"creamteasFri 28-Dec-12 20:42:18

So most of the MN jury believe that women should have a choice about whether or not to have a child, as do I.

But men should never have a choice. I think this is grossly unfair."

Life is unfair, but the unfairmess is shared out. Only women can die in childbirth - is that fair? Only women can suffer the after effects, is that fair?

(was FivesGoldNorks btw, not sock puppeting)

TheWalkingDead · 28/12/2012 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 28/12/2012 21:01

I am sorry I haven't read the whole thread your first post was enough for me.

I really hope you've had it from both barrels OP.

I also hope your friend gets you out of her life before her PFB comes along.

Your post really disgusted me.

festivelyfocussed · 28/12/2012 21:05

And why say she is "apparently devastated". I am becoming more convinced that you are a friend or relative of the ex bf rather than of the pregnant woman.

yousmell · 28/12/2012 21:08

At the end of the day, the man chose to have sex with your friend. He made that choice and used condoms which have a known risk of contraception failure. He will have know the 1% contraceptive failure risk but had sex anyway. He cannot force a woman to have an abortion to make his life easier. Her body is her body. He should be man enough to respect her decision and take responsibility for his actions.

What you are saying is that the man shouldn't have to live with the consequences of his behavior. He has had sex with a woman and she aborts the baby. The small problem has disappeared for his and he moves on with this life with no baggage in tow. This might be totally different for the woman. She aborts the baby and might feel OK about it but then again she might not. Studies show that she is more likely to have issues with drink, mental health and depression.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2012 21:09

D0oinMeCleanin

"The man has the choice not to engage in PIV sex if he is not ready to deal with the possible consequences. No one forced him to have sex with your friend."

So (playing devil's advocate) if a man and a woman are in a relationship where they have both said that they both don't want kids. The man is wrong to think that if a woman has said she doesn't want kids she will abort as part of the relationship?

SigmundFraude · 28/12/2012 21:09

"Only women can die in childbirth - is that fair? Only women can suffer the after effects, is that fair?"

Bizarre. And, as far as I can see, pretty fair. As only women can give birth.

TheWalkingDead · 28/12/2012 21:11

And yes, she has made the decision not to abort but why the fuck shouldn't she have some sympathy for facing a situation that was created with the help of the man who walked away? WomeN have autonomy over their own bodies, thank goodness, but why should they be castigated by people like you for daring to exercise that autonomy? Why has this man escaped your scorn? Because he didn't have a choice ultimately? Well, he had the choice of being responsible for contraception or not having PIV sex and chose not to, but he can walk away, so he won't have 'accept the responsibility' will he?

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2012 21:12

Point being, the baby that two make effects each in different ways. People are wingeing about the possible ill effects to the poor men, but women are expected to shut up and bear the brunt in the usual course of things.
Don't really see the bizarreness but will attempt to explain further if you need to.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/12/2012 21:12

Using the abortion option your friend had as a way to justify and endorse this child's father's decision to fuck off and ignore their existence says as much about you OP as it does about a 'man' who thinks running away is a reasonable/justified response to an unplanned pregnancy. I think the acceptance and normalisation of this kind if action from the STBF is what I find repulsive - not some poor woman devastated that the father of her child doesn't have the guts and backbone she has to face up to their joint responsibility. So YABVVVU.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 21:14

You are the guy aren't you?

Or his new girlfriend?

Sister?

Mum?

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