To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

[creamteas]

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

SF - the point is quite logical. Only women can carry pregnancies and give birth. And it follows that they therefore (not the man) have to endure all the possible effects of pregnancy, whether planned or unplanned and also the effects of a termination in a way that will not affect the man in the same way.

'but women are expected to shut up and bear the brunt in the usual course of things.'

Really? I don't believe they do. This woman made her choice when she had options, she now needs to get on with her life, the one she chose.

perhaps an abortion isn't an option for her

affects each, not effects each
I'm not saying this situation is 100% fair but that's not the woman's fault any more than it's his. So he needs to just get on with it.

'Only women can carry pregnancies and give birth.'

But that is the hand nature gave us, gave me. It wouldn't cross my mind that the rigors of pregnancy and childbirth were unfair. It's not unfair. Seriously.

Ditto fior him. He made his choice when he chose to have sex. She won't have an abortion. Hey, life's a bitch.

Abortion is not a choice for some women SF (bangs head against brick wall)

Who has said men shouldn't have a choice?
20 years ago I wrote for a magazine how unfair it is that women get to choose 100% if they have an abortion or not but men don't get a say but are expected to cough up. Nothing's changed.

Yes, he has made his choice. He's emigrating and wants nothing to do with the child. Life's a bitch.

Yes, that is the hand nature dealt. I don't really see the relevance. Point is, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting do not affect the man and the woman equally. Some bits disproportianately affect the woman. Fewer, the man. This is one of them.

Alisvo. Agree.

"Abortion is not a choice for some women SF"

Well it sort of is. They just choose not to, which is fair enough.

No, SF it is not a choice for those who don't feel it was ever an option for them in the first place. They don't 'just choose not to'. They feel it's wrong - since the child has 50% their DNA anyway. And a woman who had a termination feeling it was wrong may end up with mental health issues as a result.

Why don't you think that matters?

Let's not forget that abortion itself can also result in complications for women sometimes.

Yes but if they feel abortion is not a choice for them - perhaps they should shut the door before the horse bolts and abstain

Mrslaughan - yes and that applies just as much to men as to women.

Male responsibility does not end at ejaculation.

and if men do not want a family and accept the basic premise that they cannot enforce a medical procedure on another human adult...

perception ah but that's OK because they brought it on themselves and it doesn't affect the poor men

Even if you 'feel' it's not a choice, it still is. They absolutely have made a choice, I'm sorry, but they have. You are veering towards saying that I think abortion was the route she should have taken, I'm not.

I'm saying, she continued with the pregnancy, knowing her BF at the time didn't want it. Now she has to get on with it, just like anyone else in the same situation.

And he has impregnated a woman who has chosen not to have a medical/surgivcal procedure to get rid. And he has to get on with that.

Yes, I'm not disagreeing with you! He is getting on with it, but being lambasted for his choice whilst she isn't.

WEll it seems as though his choice is to bear as little responsibility - financial or otherwise - for the baby. Which i disagree with.
That said, we on;y have the OP's POV on this

If you choose to have sex there is always the potential of creating a baby - if it is important to you that any baby created was aborted then he should have discussed that with her first - he didn't and had sex so the consequences are that the woman he impregnated does have the choice.

'WEll it seems as though his choice is to bear as little responsibility - financial or otherwise - for the baby'

Exactly. This thread is about whether the woman in question deserves the compassion of her friend. Given that the man has shown himself up to be an irresponsible twat.

I'm sorry, but forced parenthood is not on. I would not be forced into it and neither should anyone else. People who try to force people into parenthood do not deserve compassion.