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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

505 replies

creamteas · 28/12/2012 14:13

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

OP posts:
bevelino · 28/12/2012 19:10

I would support a friend in this situation no matter what. Life is going to be tough enough for her.

Aspiemum2 · 28/12/2012 19:18

Yabu. Worse than that you are being rather heartless.

We all panic at the end of the pregnancy (well most of us do). It's natural and to be expected. Of course she's upset, just because he told her he wasn't going to be a father to the baby doesn't mean she was going to accept it straight off.

She was perhaps a little naive, foolish even but this hardly makes her deserving of your cold comments.

The harsh reality is sinking in and she's scared. For gods sake have a heart. She needs to hear what every new mum needs to hear - that she'll be an amazing mum and she'll cope perfectly well because you'll be there every step of the way. If you can't say that to her then you aren't really a true friend.

perceptionInaPearTree · 28/12/2012 19:25

'i am shocked at how many mners think a woman who conceives irresponsibly is right to try to drag the man into acting as father when he does not want to do it. and how unsympathetic they are to your position, o p. just goes to show that you can't always rely on mners to show common sense.'

Shock what a misogynistic post. Drag the man into it? Oh yes he was happy to be involved during the conception though wasn't he? Suddenly it's nothing to do with him. WTAF?

Pochemuchka · 28/12/2012 19:32

What perception said ^^

I can't believe that there are so many people who think that the man's responsibility ends at conception.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2012 19:36

D0oinMeCleanin

"Men should be taught this in schools. It seems to come as such a shock to them, poor wee things"

Wow, generalizing and patronising in the same sentence, Well done.

Original poster
creamteas · 28/12/2012 19:39

I think there is a big difference between a a pregnancy resulting from contraceptive failure and someone who planned to have children walking away.

In the first case, clearly it the women's right to choose what to do. She can decide to either have the child alone or have a abortion. But if she chooses to go ahead, then she should accept that it is her responsibility alone.

This is not the same as a father walking out on children he has chosen to have.

OP posts:
Narked · 28/12/2012 19:39

He had a choice. To not have sex with her. He chose to do so.

Hopefully wherever he goes will have a legal system that enables her to get financial support from him for his child.

Wheresmypopcorn · 28/12/2012 19:40

So her choice was abortion or him. what a wanker. I am glad she had the strength to love her baby despite him. She sounds amazing. Are you sure you are her friend?

Narked · 28/12/2012 19:41

So basically you think if a man uses contraception it absolves him of any responsibility for what happens if that contraception fails?

Really?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 28/12/2012 19:42

You make it sound like having an abortion is an easy choice to make.

Would you be more supportive of your friend if she lived in Ireland so abortion wasn't an option? Or if she had found out she was pregnant at 16 weeks?

Using a condom/the pill is a black and white issue. Abortion is not.

Wallison · 28/12/2012 19:44

Why is it the woman's responsibility alone when the man has done just as much as her to create this life? I am actually flabbergasted that you would think this way, especially about someone who you say is a friend. I just hope she has some better friends than you around her, because she'll need them.

Narked · 28/12/2012 19:44

'if she chooses to go ahead, then she should accept that it is her responsibility alone.'

That's one of the most ludicrous, idiotic and misogynistic comments I've ever read on here.

FreePeaceSweet · 28/12/2012 19:46

In the first case, clearly it the women's right to choose what to do. She can decide to either have the child alone or have a abortion. But if she chooses to go ahead, then she should accept that it is her responsibility alone. You are joking right? That is one of the most despicable things I have read on here. What utter bullshit.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 19:47

It sounds like this friend would be getting criticised by you whatever she did.

Gets unexpectedly pregnant,decided to keep baby,hopes on/off bloke will stop being a wanker,gets a bit upset very close to end of pregnancy - you criticise her for it

Gets unexpectedly pregnant,has an abortion because she feels she'll get no support from on/off bloke,is upset about for it quite some time - you would be criticising her saying she should have kept it then.

Top friend. Sincerely hope none of mine are secretly like you.

YerMaw1989 · 28/12/2012 19:47

Oh FFS people like you are the reason so many men shag anything that rubs against them and feel free in taking no responsibility.

unless you have spent your life under a rock, or in a bizarre cult with no access to education EVERYBODY knows sex has a risk of pregnancy, He doesn't get to completely walk away , i.e not even financial support , I don't even necessarily mean staying together...just take some responsibility. if you are not mature enough to deal with the consequences of sex, don't have sex/ end.

the fact people try to dance round that fact is frankly disturbing.

Original poster
creamteas · 28/12/2012 19:50

I don't think believing that women are strong and good enough to raise kids alone is misogynistic at all.

I think misogyny is believing women should remain dependent on men if they have a child, which is what most people seem to be advocating!

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 28/12/2012 19:53

I do feel sorry that men have no rights whether their child is born or not - and I am talking about men who use condoms - but OP, YABU and not a friend at all. She was hoping for a happy ending. I am sure a lot of women would. It doesn't mean they don't deserve sympathy when they don't get what they wanted.

wewereherefirst · 28/12/2012 19:53

YABU. The man is a heartless bastard, who didn't think about the life long consequences of a shag and you're a very nasty friend. I hope that at this late on in her pregnancy your 'friend' doesn't see this as it's not a common occurance and she would know who you are and how you're no longer a friend.

Saltytomato · 28/12/2012 19:54

You are being a complete bitch. The same thing happened to my mum and I have never met my dad. The father should take some responsibility and not leave your friend to deal with it all.

Narked · 28/12/2012 19:54

To say that a man has no responsibility for supporting the child he helped to conceive and putting it all onto the mother because eg a condom broke is deeply misogynistic.

wewereherefirst · 28/12/2012 19:55

I think the child deserves a father- don't you OP?

Varya · 28/12/2012 19:57

What a sad situation for her to deal with, without the father around. Just hope her family and most friends are supportive. XX

Narked · 28/12/2012 19:57

And who's suggesting she be 'dependent on men.' We're saying that a parent should contribute financially to the cost of raising their child.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 28/12/2012 19:58

Creamteas it's not about the woman being dependant on the man though is it, it's abou the child being able to depend on both his/her parents. If not emotionally, then at least financially.

perceptionInaPearTree · 28/12/2012 19:58

creamteas - what a disingenuous post. It takes two people to make a baby. That's a fact. You are blaming your friend for a situation that was of two people's making and judging her harshly and saving all your sympathy for the man. That is misogynistic.

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