To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

[creamteas]

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

Hobnob, I thought that. In my first post that was deleted I asked the OP how her friend got pregnant last year, yet she's 36 weeks pregnant. Hmm.

After being in an almost identical situation to this a couple of years ago, I can understand why she is upset, but I think her feelings will probably change once her baby is born, mine did!
It's him who will be missing out and she should remember that.
I hope that she has supportive friends and family who will help her out, particularly in the difficult first few months!
The thing about the man opting out is that he can't just opt in again, if he has made the decision to have nothing to do with his child then she shouldn't force him into it (for the sake of her child, not the man, as the child should only have people in its life that want to be there) as for the man, he's opted out, so lets hope he stays away now, because the last thing the child needs is him waltzing back in when he feels like it!

YABU.She is just hoping for a father for her baby. I think you should focus your displeasure on the man who has shirked his responsibilities. No he doesn't have to be a father in the true sense but he does owe it to show some care towards his child and financial assistance at least. He shouldn't have had sex if he wasn't prepared for the possible consequences.

'I'm really amazed at the amount of people that truly believe that women should not take ownership of their decisions.'.

I'm not.

OP YANBU. Your friend gave this man no options, now he is giving her no options. It really is tough. Although I probably wouldn't spell it out to her quite so starkly.

As always, bad news for the child either way.

OP you sound like a cowbag. This happened to me and I have a lovely 4 year old dd. Thanks to the support of my friends and family I have enjoyed single motherhood. Yes; the situation is far from ideal but it is not your friend's fault that he ex is a looser. Why on earth should she have an abortion. Judgy pants much?

Yes of course we all seen results , pride of place Hung up on wall !

He took the decision to potentially have a baby but hopefully decrease the chances by having protected sex - if he definitely did not want a baby he should have not had sex.

Oh yes; and my dd is very happy. Your friend has every right to be scared and devastated. I was; didn't stop me from being a good mum and even if she had a doting dp she has every right to be anxious about motherhood.

i am shocked at how many mners think a woman who conceives irresponsibly is right to try to drag the man into acting as father when he does not want to do it. and how unsympathetic they are to your position, o p. just goes to show that you can't always rely on mners to show common sense.

peaceandlove - did the man not conceive irresponsibly too?

BTWW; my ex moved abroad and is stuck there...praise the Lord! I sent him some photos of dd and he was very remorseful of his decision to leave but he is 'stuck' there apparently. TBH I don't give a toss what his excuse is. Your friend will be better off; woithout him and friends like you.

Apologies if I've missed something - havent time to read whole thread.

YAB completely U
Your friend needs support not your judgementalness about how she should have responded and dealt with things.
I would imagine it has been a really hard road for her, regardless of whether he 'made his feelings clear'.
If you don't feel you can support her then walk away and let her real friends and her family pick up the pieces.

The last thing she needs is someone like you as a friend.

Oh and I hope you're never put into a situation like this.

peaceandlove I think the man in question might have had something to do with the pregnancy. They usually do.

This woman is not actually your friend is she.
If she is, I have to say I think it is unreasonable to not have sympathy for her. Just because her bf made his views clear doesn't mean she would't hope he'd change his mind or be upset when it was clear he was moving away. She'll be needing lots of support I would have thought. Wtf are friends actually for? I have sympathy for her and I've never met the girl.

Your op sounds as though it might have been written by one of HIS friends rather than HERS.
Is that the case?

Yes PeaceandLove because the poor poor man is such a paragon of virtue...

The OP clearly views her "friends" circumstances with contempt and yet its obvious to see just what a shirker of responsibility this man really is.

My brother tried to pull the "I was tricked..." line out of the bag too. This girl is facing up to her actions and their consequences. Any decent adult would do the same.

peaceandlove not everyone who conceives accidentally has conceived irresponsibly. Unless I have missed something further down the thread the op said that they conceived due to a contraception failure. And even if they didn't, the man was just as irresponsible as the woman.

I think the guy has a right to say that he doesnt want the baby. The reason contraception is used is to prevent pregnancy and infections. Neither wanted to have a baby.

If i fell pregnant through contraceptive failure and the guy said he didnt want to be involved i wouldnt force him. I would get on with my life and not give him a second thought. And no way would i want money from him.

He made his wishes clear and she made her wishes clear. I think it is better if he isnt involved, i mean is it fair on the child having someone there who isnt interested.

The woman needs support and help and no 'i told you so's'.

YABVU...I was in your friends position, however, I was accepting of the father not having any contact or involvement, his choice. DD is now 4 and we are very happy, my friends and family supported me through out, you'd have got a new arsehole ripped had you been a friend of mine.

It's a very emotional time for her, and she is allowed hope that he may change his mind, naive or not.

Any adult who has sex should be aware that they could become a parent. Unless they are willing to accept that, they shouldn't have sex. Somehow people think that using contraceptive or just positive thinking will keep them immune from this.

She made a decision. He made a decision. Neither of them did anything wrong, they just, sadly, had different opinions on what they wanted.

YABU though, your friend needs your support regardless of what you think of her decision.

Very few people thought I should keep my first baby.

Absolutely nobody thought I should keep my second.

Luckily, everybody supported me when I decided not to listen to any of them and to keep both and they have been wonderful ever since (children now 5 and 10).

manic I've never said she shouldn't have the baby, and have been supporting her. But she should accept that he did not want this and will not have any contact with the child.

There will come a time when she will accept that, remember how hormonal one can be during pregnancy?! Once the baby is here, she may a few wobbles about the father, but she'll gain acceptance in her own time

Yeah, she's made her decision to have baby. But wrong to expect the bloke to step up because she has decided to have a baby. Huge decision imo. Not a great idea if support is not around to offer the best outcome for baby and she is expecting others to help out which hopefully they will.

YANBU. If he wanted the child and she didn't, the "her body her choice" brigade would have been making clear how little it had to do with him. So her body, her choice, her responsibility.

He hasn't exactly tricked her.

Tried to think of a way to put my views about this situation across. This explains everything I was thinking perfectly.