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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

505 replies

creamteas · 28/12/2012 14:13

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

OP posts:
Wallison · 28/12/2012 15:27

Anyway, OP, you don't sound like a very nice friend, if you can't be sympathetic to a woman who is facing labour and parenthood alone, with the added bonus that her child's father is not just absent but has chosen to move to another country rather than have anything to do with raising his child. He sounds like a twat.

ItLooksLikeRainDear · 28/12/2012 15:27

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iwantanafternoonnap · 28/12/2012 15:27

Op I don't believe you have said she should have had an abortion. Aren't you just saying your friend needs to realise that the father does not want any involvement and has made that clear right from the very start. That constantly trying to involve him is just going to continue to cause heartache and that is what is hard to carry on being sympathetic about.

I am with you in that she needs to stop trying to involve him and yes it is hard to continue to be sympathetic when she continues to get no response 30 weeks on.

However, my ex has decided to have no further contact with our DS. It is painful and extremely hard to understand why the person who helped you make a child can just fuck off and unless you have been their you can't understand because not only is it hurting you but it will hurt your child too. I am damn sure my friends are getting bored of me ranting about my ex being such a selfish bastard.

Wallison · 28/12/2012 15:27

Having an abortion is not the same as upping sticks and moving to another country and refusing to support a child that you have created, nowits.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 28/12/2012 15:29

There are many many posters on mumsnet who would disagree with a woman having an abortion as she didn't want to take responsibility for the child. They might not 'crucify' her for this, but it's wrong to thing mumsnet as a whole only has a one-way view about parental responsibility.

okaynowitstheseason · 28/12/2012 15:30

Would they call her half the things the ex in the OP has been called?

perceptionInaPearTree · 28/12/2012 15:31

'From the conversations we have had, it is not financial support she wanted, but assumed that he would participate in everything from the birth to shared care arrangements. For months, her family, other friends and I have been saying that this is not going to happen.'

Yes, it's easy for you to see that when you were never emotionally involved though isn't it? And what you're effectively saying is that your friend therefore isn't entitled to her own feelings - an odd and rather toxic approach.

FreePeaceSweet · 28/12/2012 15:32

Having an abortion is not the same as upping sticks and moving to another country and refusing to support a child that you have created, nowits. Too bloody right its not. I hope this lady does a stellar job of raising her baby and should this arsehole ever try to get in contact when the years have gone by he gets told where to go.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/12/2012 15:36

So for the months everyone has been telling her that it isn't going to happen it's been pretty clear she's not really believed any of you?

Now she's finally faced facts and is panicking you've no sympathy? Despite knowing for months she's heading for a nasty crash back to reality.....

Again this has nothing to do with termination, and everything to do with reality smacking your poor friend in the chops along with the nerves every imminent parent feels... Glad you're not my friend.

Maybe you should leave her alone till you can control your 'told you so' attitude. It's the last thing she needs right now.

mumagain33 · 28/12/2012 15:43

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FreePeaceSweet · 28/12/2012 15:46

Wow. Mumagain what exemplary psychic skills you have... HA!

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 28/12/2012 15:47

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splashymcsplash · 28/12/2012 15:47

Yabvu

2 adults created this baby and both bear responsibility for it.

I hate hearing this misogynist claptrap of fathers being less responsible because the mother could have had an abortion.

It's disgusting.

IkissedSanta · 28/12/2012 15:49

they have had an on off relationship in the past

so I don't think it was unreasonable for her to have held out a small amount of hope that he would change his mind.

also as others have said the last few weeks of pregnancy is extremely stressful many mums new and old wonder how a baby will fit into their lives the responsibility is huge and frightening.

op you said they are both your friends is he more of a friend than her as you seem to be on his side a little more than her.

she doesn't want someone there who says well I did tell you so it doesn't matter if you did a hundred times

she wants someone to hold her hand and say I know you thought he would change his mind and I am truly sorry that didn't happen for you both (her and baby).

that's what real friends do if you cant do that for her I would rethink the title of friend and call it a day someone who isn't going to support her is going to make her life harder. that's not what a friend does

splashymcsplash · 28/12/2012 15:52

Also I was in this situation 3 years ago:
Of course you hold out hope, even if it is irrational, pregnancy hormones can make you somewhat emotional!

I never saw abortion as an option. You may do, but your friend clearly doesn't.

WeAreEternal · 28/12/2012 15:52

FWIW I totally agree with your opinions OP.

I have a friend who got pregnant from a casual sexual partner, he told her he wasnt ready/had no interest in having a child and wanted her to have an abortion.
She chose to keep the baby and never spoke to him again.

Her son is now 8 and has never met his 'father' and my friend has never heard from him nor tried to contact him, he clearly has no interest in having a child and she has never had any interest in having him in her sons life. And IMO they are better off for it. (I see from Facebook that he is now married with a young son of his own so clearly he is not regretting not being a father to my friends child)

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 28/12/2012 15:53

He helped to create that child, why does he get off scott free?

What would you have said if the man wanted to keep and raise the baby but the GF wanted an abortion? What if the man said he'd support her through the pregnancy and then raise the child with no input from her since she didn't want it. Then the GF went and had the abortion anyway.

perceptionInaPearTree · 28/12/2012 16:02

Nothingis - no she couldn't just walk away from the pregnancy whether she decided to have the baby or a termination.

Abortion is not a form of contraception - why do you think it's as simple as that?

perceptionInaPearTree · 28/12/2012 16:07

Why do people struggle so much with the concept that the woman is the one emotionally and physically attached to the pregnancy from the outset? The same is simply not applicable to the man whatever happens even though I agree it is very sad for a man who wanted their child and could never have it.

worsestershiresauce · 28/12/2012 16:08

I would never have a termination, because I know I couldn't do it. I thought about it once, but it is not for me. I guess your friend is the same. Support her, she needs friends right now.

AlwayswinterneverXmas · 28/12/2012 16:12

NothingIsAsBad - it's acceptable because the OP is having to carry the baby currently and would have had to have a procedure on her own body to abort it, so she gets the say, not because of the impact on the baby but because of the impact on her/her body, THAT'S the difference. As far as the baby goes both parents have no (moral) right to walk away from it if one parent needs/wants support and that applies to the mother as well as the father. It would be just as bad imo if the mother gave birth to the baby then walked off leaving the father to do all the parenting himself.

The reality is BOTH parents agreed to the pregnancy when they had sex (however small the risk is of contraception failing it still is a risk and if you don't accept it you abstain) so both owe the baby and the other parent a duty of care and should stick around. An abortion should be a joint decision but the mother gets a veto purely because it's her body that is involved - but that DOESN'T mean that if she uses that veto the father can ignore his responsibilities. He made his choice when he slept with her, if she'd have chosen an abortion he'd have been relieved of parenting duties but he has no right to expect that to happen just because he's changed his mind about his own decision.

FellatioNelson · 28/12/2012 16:13

Flippin' heck. Confused Who is on duty at MNHQ tonight? There are sparks flying out of that delete button.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 28/12/2012 17:01

I suspect this thread was created to cause angst and nothing else [cynic emoticon]

jessjessjess · 28/12/2012 17:40

YABVU. With friends like you, who needs enemies? She needs you to be her friend and support her. You can be sad for her and sympathetic despite having seen the situation coming, surely? I take it none of your other friends ever make mistakes, ever?

Fakebook · 28/12/2012 17:44

Baah Baaah.