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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

505 replies

creamteas · 28/12/2012 14:13

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

OP posts:
perceptionInaPearTree · 28/12/2012 15:09

'The man here has no intention of being involved, he made it very clear, so he is not going to ever be a father.'

Well he is a father, whether he likes it or not and should make financial contributions for his child. He should stop having sex altogether if he is not prepared to face the possible consequences of his actions.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/12/2012 15:10

I should say that morally you don't get a choice. Men do of course make that choice all the time. And as long as they said they wanted the woman to have a termination, then that seems to give them a get out clause.

RooneyMara · 28/12/2012 15:10

There will always be double standards in this debate as women and men take differing roles in the creation of children.

It's completely inevitable.

D0oinMeCleanin · 28/12/2012 15:11

No one is saying that he needs to continue the relationship with her but he should take financial responsibility for his own child, at least.

No OP's friend shouldn't have banked on him coming back to her but there is a middle way between getting married and staying with a woman you don't love and abandoning your own child, isn't there?

FreePeaceSweet · 28/12/2012 15:12

Actually OP its sod all to do with you. You obviously can't make peace with your "friends" decision (not that she needs you to). Was your friend supportive of you throughout your terminations? Did her concern come with judginess? Would you have cared about her opinions and what she thought you should do with your own body?

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2012 15:12

I actually think it's quite telling the OP has said 'yes contraception fails and that's why we have abortion'

I imagine her friend's ex has the same attitude -- if you get accidentally pregnant, that's what abortion is for. And if you decide not to have one, then it's all on you and you can't complain because you didn't get rid of it.

But for many women, abortion is not an easy thing to do. It can be awful, heartbreaking, really traumatic. It's not an easy solution.

The real backup plan for failed contraception is the morning after pill -- not abortion, which not every woman will want to go through.

FreePeaceSweet · 28/12/2012 15:13

Sorry that should say termination.

VitoCorleone · 28/12/2012 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

VitoCorleone · 28/12/2012 15:14

*situation

RooneyMara · 28/12/2012 15:15

'I imagine her friend's ex has the same attitude -- if you get accidentally pregnant, that's what abortion is for. And if you decide not to have one, then it's all on you and you can't complain because you didn't get rid of it.'

Exactly. It's not as simple as that. Once you're pregnant the hormonal changes it causes are often enough on their own to make the idea of termination unthinkable. And that's before you even go into religious ideas, the physical impact both at the time and in the future, the repercussions to your mental health, the sense of loss and grief.

Not all women encounter these things but an awful lot do. It can take away the actual baby but it can't take away the fact the baby was there in the first place.

Original poster
creamteas · 28/12/2012 15:15

Rooney I have never stated or implied she should have had an abortion.

I believe that having made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy in spite of her Ex's clear intentions of not being involved, she should accept that she has full responsibility for the child.

OP posts:
RooneyMara · 28/12/2012 15:16

Well thanks for clarifying - but she has no choice but to accept that now, really, does she?

I don't get what you are asking - I think she deserves sympathy however irrational her thoughts/decisions may have been. Your title asks about that, and I've answered it.

Wallison · 28/12/2012 15:17

I do wonder what the hell would happen if all of the women who knuckle down and bring up their children suddenly started acting like men and fucking off and abandoning them. What on earth would people say if it was mothers who were leaving their children? "Oh well, it's her choice and as long as she made herself clear to the father then you can hardly blame her and it's his fault"? Somehow, I suspect not.

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2012 15:17

And I'm sure she will take full responsibility -- she won't have a choice, after all.

That doesn't mean she's not allowed to be upset about it and think her ex is a prize twat.

As Dooin said, there's a huge middle ground he could take between shacking up with a woman he doesn't love and completely abandoning his child.

CailinDana · 28/12/2012 15:18

Yes she should creamtea, I agree, but she's 36 weeks pregnant and scared. Can't you have a tiny bit of sympathy for her?

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 28/12/2012 15:18

Do you definitely know he won't financially support his child op?

RooneyMara · 28/12/2012 15:19

Yes Wallison, quite.

Montybojangles · 28/12/2012 15:19

Umm how do you know your pill failed in time for the morning after pill?? It doesn't state condom failure, just contraceptive failure. Maybe he was just relying on the withdrawal method for all we know.

okaynowitstheseason · 28/12/2012 15:20

Wallison

The woman who does what OP's friend's ex have done simply get abortions and the majority on here would be fully behind them in abdicating their responsibility. Coz they ain't evil menz.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 15:22

YANBU to wish she had accepted the situation really was going to her doing it alone earlier. But she can't help that she hoped it would be different can she? She decided to keep the baby regardless of his stance but it doesn't make her a bad person to hope that he would come round to the idea.

He's an epic knob for moving away,presumably he thinks he can avoid CSA payments?

Wallison · 28/12/2012 15:23

Thanks, RooneyMara. The world would bloody grind to a halt if women acted the way that this man and others like him do.

Original poster
creamteas · 28/12/2012 15:24

I don't know about any financial arrangements, nor their exact income. But my guess would be that she earns a lot more than him.

From the conversations we have had, it is not financial support she wanted, but assumed that he would participate in everything from the birth to shared care arrangements. For months, her family, other friends and I have been saying that this is not going to happen.

OP posts:
FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 15:25

You know what, life isn't fair
Some men end up paying for children they'd prefer to have been aborted
Some women die in childhood

FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 15:25

childbirth that should ahve read
fingers on auto pilot

okaynowitstheseason · 28/12/2012 15:25

"Thanks, RooneyMara. The world would bloody grind to a halt if women acted the way that this man and others like him do."

A lot of woman do act in this way though. They decide early on they are not ready for parenthood, and they take the decision not to have that responsibility. And they're not crucified on here for that.