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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

505 replies

creamteas · 28/12/2012 14:13

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

OP posts:
FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:44

Sock, yes, if she decided. He gets no say at all.

Wallison · 29/12/2012 01:46

I don't have a secure tenancy. Most single parents don't because, contrary to what you read in the Daily Mail, you do not get bumped up the list just because you are a single parent. That is a myth.

And I don't know what you mean by 'it should be one way or the other'. Are you railing against biology again?

Mosman, quite. The most that the CSA can take from an absent father, if they can track him down and if he plays ball and declares all of his earnings, is 15% of his net income. 15 fucking percent? Of his net income? That doesn't even cover the cost of renting a place with two bedrooms rather than one.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:46

No, I don't think a man should be able to force an abortion. But I do think he should be able to prevent one, and I do think that a man who has used contraception should be able to absolve himself of financial responsibility in the same way a woman is able to.

Wallison · 29/12/2012 01:49

Why on earth should a man be able to absolve himself of financial responsibility? You were quite big on responsibility earlier on in the thread. Does the word have a different meaning for people who possess a penis?

Mosman · 29/12/2012 01:50

I reckon in the 12 months I was a single mum and the 9 months of pregnancy I lost about $200,000 in loss of earnings, having to move to a bigger house, getting a safer car, buying baby equipment etc etc. the piddling amount the CSA had to force the dickhead to pay doesn't touch the sides, didn't cover the cost of her nappies. Oh and on my case he just didn't use any contraception at all, not sure what he thought would prevent a baby especially as he was 33 at the time, ignorance could hardly be used as an excuse.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2012 01:55

Add message | Report | Message poster FestiveElement Sat 29-Dec-12 01:44:45
Sock, yes, if she decided. He gets no say at all.

That's not true, he can say no don't leave the baby here with me and swan off I would rather you didn't, he can then shut the door and not let her leave the baby.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:59

Yes, and then she will legally be able to take some of his money, whether he wanted the unplanned child or not. He doesn't have any say in that.

He doesn't get any say if he wants to be the resident parent and make her be the non resident one.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 02:00

Why on earth should a man be able to absolve himself of financial responsibility? You were quite big on responsibility earlier on in the thread.

Because if a woman can, then a man should have the same right.

Wallison · 29/12/2012 02:08

And then why, pray, should pay for the child's upkeep? Magic fairies?

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 02:10

The woman who chose to bring it into the world on her own.

Wallison · 29/12/2012 02:10

Actually, fuck it, I'm not getting into this any more because so much of what you are saying makes no sense at all that there's no point in arguing with you.

Yes, you are completely right in your little la-la-land of fathers who can create a life and have no responsibility for it whatsoever and actually you do win in in the sense that this is often what happens so bully for you eh.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 02:12

I'm it trying to win anything Confused And being female, I'm already a winner in this whole thing.

Don't you see that women can create a life and have no responsibility for it more than men can?

Mosman · 29/12/2012 02:18

No. I don't see that at all. You've only got to meet a single father who's wife has had the audacity to die to see the difference in the way he is treated like an absolute hero v's a woman who is treated even by other women as a slapper until somebody points put she's a widow, been dumped or whatever.

FreudiansSlipper · 29/12/2012 02:19

what a depressing thread

a woman choosing not to have a termination because a man asked her to is not about a power struggle it's because she has control thankfully over her own body.

my ex tried to force me to have a termination bullied me it was a terrible way to behave much to his shame thankfully he took on his responsibilities like envying should do

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2012 02:22

A woman who keeps her child and cares for the child and meets that child's needs is not having no responsibility for that child,

The minimum responsibility a parent who walks away has is to pay 15% of there income in maintenance

Just because one parent pays csa it does not mean the pwc is taking no responsibility.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 02:23

Your example about widows is completely irrelevant to the point I made, but I do realise that single Fathers get hero worshipped.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 02:25

I didn't say that a PWC is taking no responsibility, I meant that a woman is free to absolve herself of responsibility if she chooses to by having an abortion, or even by giving the child up for adoption.

A man doesn't have those choices, and cannot absolve themselves of responsibility.

FreudiansSlipper · 29/12/2012 02:27

why do you see it as power struggle

do you know any men who have become fathers and really did not want to be

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2012 02:33

To be perfectly honest your coming out with so many bizarre and bigoted statements that its getting very hard to actually follow.

Are you now saying that a man should be able to force a adoption?

Or that because he can't either force a abortion or adoption he should be able to just walk away

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 29/12/2012 02:38

Pregnant women have the right to bodily integrity.

Nobody has the right to wallet integrity.

If you think paying the CSA minimum is equivalent to gestating a baby you are a misogynistic simpleton.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 29/12/2012 02:39

I wonder what gender your children are Festive? Just curious as to why you think it's a reasonable stance to take for a man to walk away without a backward glance and do all he can to avoid any responsbility towards their own child, despite willingly engaging in sex that can result in pregnancy.

verylittlecarrot · 29/12/2012 03:39

When a man and a woman create a child (intentionally or unintentionally)
the decision to have the child will always rest entirely with the woman in any civilised society. To advocate otherwise is to advocate that women should have enforced abortions or enforced continuation of pregnancies.

Every child is entitled to financial support from their father and mother.

(Whether that child was conceived unintentionally is irrelevant to the child's needs)

Of course, there are several possible outcomes to an unintentional pregnancy, some of which may result in no child:no responsibility, or even child:mother waives father's obligations.

But the default position every man should take is that sex DOES create babies regardless of intention or contraceptive precautions, it is a very possible outcome. And IF you have sex and happen to create a pregnancy you ARE financially responsible for any child born as a result.

Simples.

Perhaps they should teach this in schools.

McChristmasPants2012 · 29/12/2012 03:54

he should of used a condom if he didn't want to be a father, he is nothing but a waste of space.

AlwayswinterneverXmas · 29/12/2012 06:38

Stunned by the amount of people on here who think abortion is some form of 'last line of defence' contraception - it's not! Depending on your views you may see it as something never to do or a potentially necessary but difficult decision to make but it's not a procedure you just go and have because 'bugger, that sex DID result in a baby that time'. And abortion only becomes a possibility after conception, where both parties have already made their choice by having sex, taken the risk and the consequences have occured - neither one gets to just back out because they don't like the consequences.

The woman has a choice left about what happens to her body - if she chooses not to keep on carrying the baby then yes the father's responsibilities naturally end, same as they would if the baby sadly died after birth. However if she chooses to keep carrying the baby she is not taking on all responsibility for it - it already existed because of the choice of both parties, she's just not changing anything!

Would anyone who says the baby should be the woman's complete responsibility as she hasn't chosen abortion support her asking the man for years of emotional and financial support if she DID choose abortion? There may be physical or psychological effects that run on for years after all - even a couple of years of counselling could cost £1000's. If not then basically the man should take on no responsibility at all whatever happens?

SPBInDisguise · 29/12/2012 07:15

There is such an obsession on this thread with making life 'fair' for the poor little men. No one cares when it's the other way round I tend to find.