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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

505 replies

creamteas · 28/12/2012 14:13

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

OP posts:
FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 00:58

ham-fisted attempt to justify the act of an adult person refusing to play any part in a life that he has created.

But this is exactly what already happens because we allow abortion.

It's the double standards that piss me off.

Make abortion illegal and make every father pay for their children. That would be fair.

Or allow women to have abortions but then with that, expect them to take responsibility for the children they have. That would be fair too.

I just don't see why women should have it all set up to suit them, and that's the way things are at the moment.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2012 00:59

perception being of an awkward age feminism has got a bad name.

Particularly after the Germaine Greer announcing Cheryl Cole was "too thin" to be a feminist. A feminist judging another woman on how she looks? Surely wrong? As a naturally small person I was incensed by it.

But recently I have realised that many of my views are feminist and than I am a feminist.

Threads like these make me realise how passionately I feel about certain issues.

perceptionInaPearTree · 29/12/2012 01:00

Inflict 18 years of responsibility?

Words fail me, honestly. It would actually be funny except it wasn't meant as a joke

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:02

I don't think a woman going ahead with an unplanned pregnancy means she is trying to trap a man. Not at all.

I think a woman going ahead with an unplanned pregnancy knowing that a man doesn't want to be a father, and then going to the CSA to demand money is trying to force a man into something she would never be forced to do. And that's unfair.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2012 01:03

*not because I like Cheryl Cole especially just because it was a feminist judging another woman purely on she looked.

Wallison · 29/12/2012 01:03

But Festive, it isn't just 'her' baby. They both of them created a child, together. Whether or not the baby was planned, that is what happened. So why in the name of all things holy fuck should the woman be the one to devote herself to raising the child with all that that entails - the sleepless nights, the nappies, the school run, the quandries and difficulties, the refereeing over squabbles with schoolfriends, the dilemmas about boyfriends or girlfriends, the need to be an emotional guiding hand for the rest of her life - and the man swan off to another country? Just because 'she had a choice'? Tbh you sound as though you think that women should be punished in some way just because they have agency over their bodies and the life they carry in them - your posts really do smack of the worst kind of 'serves you right' attitude, as in 'serves you right for having a womb'.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:04

What else is it then perception?

If words fail you, then it may be because I have a valid point that you don't know how to respond to.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:06

But Festive, it isn't just 'her' baby. They both of them created a child, together. Whether or not the baby was planned, that is what happened

I completely agree with you. 100%. So why is it only the woman that gets to decide whether that baby gets to be born or not. They both created it, so they should both have a say on whether it gets to be born.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2012 01:07

Festive

I had a friend at uni get pregnant. She had an abortion. The boyfriend was desperate for her to keep the baby and let him bring it up. Utterly desperate.

She refused. She considered adoption, that was her first choice but on hearing her boyfriend would willingly have it, she decised on an abortion because she didn't want to have to pay for a child she never wanted.

Sometes men are more for responsibility than women are.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2012 01:08

If you aren't prepared to be a single mum, you shouldn't have casual sex unless you are prepared to have a termination if your contraception fails. As a woman she was the one taking that risk. It's not rocket science is it?

He was also taking a risk and should pay CSA.

As far as the child is concerned, it is sad that the father doesn't want to be a part of its life, but there's nothing you can do about that.

She is being ridiculous to think that a guy who was in a on/off relationship with her, who wanted her to have a termination, was going to change his mind. He made it more than clear he did not want to play happy families.

Wallison · 29/12/2012 01:13

^So why is it only the woman that gets to decide whether that baby gets to be born or not.

Because the baby is inside the woman and cannot survive without her.

You really should have had this chat with your parents when you were ten or so. It's just biology.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2012 01:13

Chipping I've read it as OP's friend (who inexplicably got pregnant last year and has not given birth) is having a last minute panic but in all seriousness is fully aware she will be raising this child without the father.

Wallison · 29/12/2012 01:16

^ you shouldn't have casual sex unless you are prepared to have a termination if your contraception fails.

Yes, yes, it's all the woman's fault.

And now abortion has, for some people, just become another stick with which to beat women up.

Stuff like this just makes me despair.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:16

I agree Chipping, I just don't think it's fair that the woman has more options than the man.

She took a risk of being a single Mum, but she knows that if she does she will be be housed and her life will be paid for.

A man has none of that security, even if he wants to be a good dad, he won't be given the same sized home as the Mum to have his children in, and he will be expected to pay where the woman will just be given money.

It's double standards.

Wallison · 29/12/2012 01:18

Where are these free houses for single parents and all of this money that we are supposed to get and please can I have some of it? I would bloody love a free house.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:23

Because the baby is inside the woman and cannot survive without her

Fine, but what about when the baby is no longer inside her? Why does she then get to choose to go to a government agency that will take money out of the mans bank account for the next 18 years? Why should she have that power when it's no longer about her body?

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:24

I didn't say anything about a free house, and the free money I'm talking about is called child tax credits.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2012 01:30

Wallison - how about not cutting and pasting parts of my thread out of context? Thank you.

What I said was If you aren't prepared to be a single mum, you shouldn't have casual sex unless you are prepared to have a termination if your contraception fails

Why would you expect to play happy families with a man who you are only in a casual sexual relationship with?

Wallison · 29/12/2012 01:31

^Why does she then get to choose to go to a government agency that will take money out of the mans bank account for the next 18 years? Why should she have that power when it's no longer about her body?

Because a father should support his child. Do you really think that is so very wrong?

And you said 'she will be housed'. What exactly did you mean by that? I am a single parent and I fucking well pay for the house that me and my son live in. Is there some kind of loophole that I'm not aware of whereby you pop out a baby and get a house in return?

Wallison · 29/12/2012 01:33

Chipping, quoting the rest of your post doesn't make it any less repellent.

Mosman · 29/12/2012 01:39

We really haven't moved very far from the ducking stool and magadeliwne laundries have we ?
If men want casual unprotected sex they should think themselves lucky if they ONLY get 18 years of financial burden - usually a pathetic amount in the grand scheme of things, reduced further when he decides to have his REAL children.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 01:39

When I said they will be housed, I mean they will be offered a secure tenancy and offered a home. I didn't say they wouldn't have to pay for it.

And no, I don't think it's wrong that a father should support his child. It's absolutely right that a father should support his child. I just don't think a man should have to support a child that both partners actively tried to avoid having, when at the same time a man has to just lump it if a woman wants to prevent his baby from being born.

It should be one way or the other, instead of being weighted so very heavily in favour of the woman.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2012 01:41

Festive if she decided to give the baby to the dad and walk away he could also claim the same things she could inc csa and tax credits.

Mosman · 29/12/2012 01:42

Where do these secure tenancies come from please ?

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2012 01:43

So do you think they should be able to force the woman to abort?