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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

505 replies

creamteas · 28/12/2012 14:13

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

OP posts:
WildWorld2004 · 28/12/2012 22:53

What i think is worse is my DDs dad saying he wanted to be a family & have kids & then 3 years later fuck off & not bother. Id rather my dd hadnt known her arse of a dad than having to deal with the rejection like she has done something wrong.

This guy said he didnt want the child & OPs friend knew this from very early on.

CrazyChristmasLady · 28/12/2012 22:57

YANBU.

She made her choice based on an assumption that he would change his mind. He made his feelings clear and now she is panicking because it has finally dawned on her that he meant what he said.

I wouldn't be overly sympathetic either.

Wallison · 28/12/2012 23:03

Thanks, Alisvolatpropiis. I have learnt to bite my tongue!

Just saying that not even mothers or sisters would necessarily think there is anything wrong with their son/sibling heading for the hills.

As indeed the OP doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with her friend buggering off to live in another country and not having anything to do with his child.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 28/12/2012 23:04

Crazychristmaslady you don't know on what basis she "made her choice" (if she even felt there was a choice). All OP has said is she decided she wanted the baby.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 23:06

Wallison I realised where you were coming from as soon as I read it,no worries. Smile

I have really turned into a glass half full,see the best in everyone type recently! Which is most unlike me generally speaking! Grin

CrazyChristmasLady · 28/12/2012 23:26

Yes but she decided she wanted the baby even when the dad said he didn't want her to and he wanted no part in it. It can't come as a surprise to her that he is following through on what he told her.

Wallison · 28/12/2012 23:26

Ach, it's probably better to be like that - means you are happier.

And I figure my ex's mum probably has her reasons for saying the things she does; maybe doesn't want to admit to herself that her son is a heel, feels awkward with me because of it etc. I know that I would find it difficult if my son ever behaved in such a way towards any children he had.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 23:31

Maybe she doesn't want to admit it to you because she would feel disloyal? One would hope she can see he is a bellend!

I think I made a deliberate effort to change my mindset after losing my job a couple of months ago. If I wasn't I think I could be in a bad way by now. This is not a forgiving time to be unemployed. It's taught me to appreciate small things more. And to make the best of things.

Wallison · 28/12/2012 23:37

Arf @ "bellend"! He is!

Sorry to hear you have lost your job; this is not a good time to be in that situation and I hope that things get better for you very soon. Kudos to you for not being ground down by it.

Narked · 28/12/2012 23:45

*'So most of the MN jury believe that women should have a choice about whether or not to have a child, as do I.

But men should never have a choice. I think this is grossly unfair.'*

Men have choice. They can choose not to ejaculate in a woman's vagina if they don't want any risk of impregnating the woman.

'Forced parenthood is not on.'

How is it forced? If you have ejaculate into a vagina there is a chance of pregnancy. You can use protection lo lower the odds of that, but no contraceptive is 100%.

Some of you seem to think that any woman who becomes pregnant in these circumstances suddenly takes on sole responsibility for any child that results, whereas the man has done his bit by using protection, and it's 'unfair' to expect him to do any more. That is truly ridiculous. And misogynist.

I've seen again and again on here many of the same posters arguing that if a woman doesn't want more children it's terribly unfair and wrong to expect a DP/H to get a vasectomy, as if they don't want more DC it's their responsibility to do something about it. Also that refusing to have sex and assume the risk of pregnancy with a fertile male partner is 'blackmail'.

Where is the male responsibility?

FestiveElement · 28/12/2012 23:56

The male took as much responsibility as biology allowed him to when he used contraception and was honest with her.

I don't think he should be forced to pay because of a choice the woman made.

It would have been reasonable for him to believe that as his partner wanted to use contraception, then she didn't want a baby either and would prevent that from happening. Obviously she chose not to prevent it from happening, as it her right, but she did so knowing that she would be raising the child alone.

This man is doing the right thing by moving as far away as possible.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/12/2012 23:59

So if a woman is pressured in to having an abortion it is wrong (and I agree)....

But yet if a man was pressured in to having a vasectomy that is okay? What if he didn't want that procedure on his body?

I think both of these neither person should be pressured in to doing for SOMEONE ELSE.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2012 00:04

FestiveElement

Seriously? So you think the mans responsibility ends at ejacualtion then?

I'm really shocked you think like that.

Narked · 29/12/2012 00:06

I'm talking about the attitude often expressed on here that women are responsible for contraception if they don't want DC and shouldn't expect men to do anything - like have a operation - if they don't want to, particularly if it's the woman who doesn't want more DC.

When the same posters that say that ^ suggest that women who don't have an abortion when contraception fails are in it alone and it's not fair to expect the man to be involved and that - to paraphrase - even a choice not to do something (have an abortion) is making a choice, I pray they don't pass this crap on to their DC.

Narked · 29/12/2012 00:07

Yes SWIIWC, exactly.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 29/12/2012 00:07

FestiveElement, are you for real?
The fact of using contraception does not equate to being willing to have an abortion if the contraception fails. Dh and I use contraception. We have agreed not to have any more dcs. However if I became pg and he told me I had to 'choose' an abortion or expect to go it alone, he would quite rightly be viewed as an utter knob.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2012 00:09

Narked - I am so with you here.

Wtf is with the "well they used contraception but it failed so it is ALL ON THE WOMAN if she choses not to abort" attitude. Less than 100 years ago these men would have been expected to marry said woman never mind support their child.

Why should any woman abort their baby just because the man has decided to abdicate responsibility. Wtf is that about?

Cerealqueen · 29/12/2012 00:10

YABU, you can't absolve responsibility aften the deed is done! He has made somebody pregnant and he has a child on the way.
The only way to never 100% avoid the risk of having children is to never have penetrative sex. He is responsible and needs to man up.

Narked · 29/12/2012 00:17

Apparently if you're male and use a condom all your responsibility ends there. And as a woman you either have an abortion or accept that, as you chose not to, the child won't get any financial support from it's father.

Who knew that condoms abdicated you from any financial or moral obligations! They should really put that on the box next to the kite mark.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 00:19

Yes I'm for real.

I didn't say that using contraception is the same as being willing to have an abortion, I said that it is understandable that the man thought he was having sex with someone who didn't want a baby.

The woman had a choice and she has to live with that choice. The man made a choice to have sex, and he will have to live with the knowledge that he has a child that he didn't want despite doing what he could to prevent that happening. That's not going to be easy for him either.

Yes, he could have avoided having sex, but so could she. She could have taken the MAP, but she didn't. She could have had an abortion, but she didn't. She had more choices, so she deserves more responsibility for the consequences.

TheNameisNOTZiggy · 29/12/2012 00:23

If a man & woman have sex they could have a baby. No contraception is 100%, So if the man in this tale was not able to accept that gamble he should not have had sex.... Thus he should support the child he has made.

It is neither here nor there that the mother decided to not terminate, despite knowing he wanted her too. He lost the gamble & created a child so he should grow up & face his responsibilities.
No male should have sex if he can't do that. Simples.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 29/12/2012 00:24

FE - He was having sex with someone who didn't want to have a baby. But then the baby showed up anyway. Big difference between not wanting a baby and not wanting the one that's already growing inside you.

Narked · 29/12/2012 00:26

Ribbed, for extra pleasure.*

  • Use of this product also provides a justification for not providing emotional or financial support to any offspring that may result from the failure of said product

Also available in Ultra Thin, for the ultimate sensation.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 00:26

In that case, no woman should ever have sex unless she is willing to take a pregnancy to full term then NOTZiggy.

Until a man can force a woman to have a child she doesn't want, it's not right that a woman can force a man to have a child he doesn't want.

If a woman has the right to choose over her body, then a man has a right to choose over his bank balance.

Disappearing · 29/12/2012 00:27

YANBU, I don't understand women who hold onto disinterested asshole baby fathers, why would you want someone like that in your lives? It is surely much better situation to go it alone, than to have the spectre of a selfish, resentful man along the way. Any man who can show so little interest in their offspring, can go fuck off right away. I wouldn't want any of his money either.

It's complicated enough having separated parents, when everyone is trying to do their best and get along, for the sake of the children. I can't imagine this situation ever working well.